This is the tale of my mom and the things she says... She's wonderful and I love her, and would do anything for her... be there for her... take care of her... donate my kidneys to her (my kidneys would be grateful, cause it keeps complaining that it wants to move and find a better home since the current one is cramping its style)... fight off ghouls and monsters, which is just another word for pesky people who think they have a right to judge us, know what's good for us, and tell us how to live our lives... Man... Never realized I needed to get that pesky people thing off my chest...
1) My Mom; My Unofficial and Unasked For Publicist
My mom, and most people probably feel the same way about their own moms, is the nicest person in the world...
The type of person, who says to me, as we get ready to have our meal, “Have you written a thank you message to the person who delivered this food to us?”
And I go, “No Ma. I don't write thank you to Food Panda for delivering my order to me”.
Which apparently is the wrong answer because I get the frowning Derek Hale, I'm-so-disappointed-in-you-daughter-of-mine look in return...
So to cover, and which is also the truth, I tell her that I said “Thank You” to the delivery person and tipped them... which usually meets with her approval...
Actually my mom didn't really have the above Derek Hale look. Her frowning, angry face isn't really very menacing.... It's like cute bunnies...
I just wanted to look at Tyler's face... Cause I love his brooding Derek Hale look... That is meant to be scary... but you just find it sexy...
What can I say, I have a thing for brooding men... Comes from reading a lot of Georgette Heyer growing up, and enjoying all her sneering Lords, Dukes and Earls... with their witty one-liners... and sarcastic retorts... Come to think of it, every time I see Derek Hale, I think this guy belongs in a Georgette Heyer book...
Anyway... My mom, the poetry writing, bible studies teacher... other than being really sweet... is also seriously badass...
She's like The Rock before he became Dwayne Johnson and started doing comedies and wearing a tutu.
Hey... "Tutu" all you want, Dwayne Johnson... Not judging your fashion style... I still think you rock... Get it... "rock"... It's a pun... on your name.
P.S. Dear Readers of my Blog (which could amount to 0, but hopefully there's at least 1) : Sometimes I write some crazy things in my attempt to write a humorous blog... Please ignore me... I'm a little bit loopy...
Anyway... Dwayne Johnson... You're still one of my favorite brawny guy that I don't have a crush on. And my favorite Fast & Furious franchise person. Ok. Maybe not the most favorite. I also like Paul Walker. And Jason Statham. I watched Hobbs & Shaw 5 times because I like you both.
If it had Tyler Hoechlin in it too, I probably would have hugged my TV.
I mean, I hug my TV now too when a new episode of Superman & Lois airs and I see Clark Kent on the screen.
Yes, you Tyler Hoechlin, of the many million wondrous smiles...
But seeing Dwayne Johnson, Statham and Hoechlin (in his Derek Hale mode) in one movie... Where they fight people, insult each other, and not smile... Man... I would not only hug my TV, I would... Ok... not really sure where I was going with that...
Anyway... I would be excited... The kind of excited that would keep me up for days... The kind of excitement you get when you discover curly fries on the menu.
I would be like drunk... but without booze.... which, if I think about it, is how I am on most days...
Come to think of it, this is exactly my face and reaction when I see Tyler Hoechlin on TV.... or when I see photos and gifs of him on social media... or just generally when I think of him...
So doing that face... suddenly... without reason... or context... can I really blame people for thinking I'm drunk...
hmmmmm... I
wonder what it would be like if I was fully drunk..... It's not like I don't
drink... But I drink two shots of whisky and I get tired and go to bed.
Yeah... I'm doing it again, aren't I?
Rambling on like a fool...
Where was I? Ohhhh my mom...
She sacrificed so much to give us a good life, and it doesn't matter how old we are, or that my younger siblings are married, she still continues to look out for us and worry about us.
She is also a slayer of many jobs... handling any job and any role.
She was and still is a good teacher. She's our handyman. Our plumber. She once painted an entire room all by herself, while I was at work. Moving around the big heavy cupboards, desks, cabinets, and bed, while doing the painting... And you may think. That ain't too bad... Yeah... This painting thing happened last year, when she was 68.
She taught us that it's never too late and that we're never too old to want to achieve things. That as long as we have the willpower, we will have the strength to do anything.
My mom probably got her Xena, Warrior Princess-like ways from her mom, my grandmother... another badass, who has done the real-life "Home Alone" thing by fighting off robbers, trying to break into her house, with hot water and aerosol spray, has wrestled with snakes... even cobras...
“Supergran” was actually the nickname we gave our grandmother once upon a time... Which was a quirky 80s show, that my sister and I used to watch as kids...
My grandmother loved that nickname, happy to live up to it, whenever she could.
hmmmm maybe one day I will write the tale of my grandmother's badass exploits.
Anyway, just like Supergran, my mom, if given the chance, and even without the powers, and we weren't there to nag her to rest more, she would probably renovate our entire house...
My mom's motto is, "rest is for the weak"...
When people tell her, "Have a good rest"... She's like, what is that word you're speaking... R.E.S.T? How do you do this thing called “REST”... Computer can't compute...
She gets annoyed when my siblings and I nag her to rest more... not do anything heavy... climb ladders when we're not around... saying that she would be ok...
Casually forgetting that once, as she was doing some of her usual renovation work around the house, accidentally super-glued her two fingers together...
The other day, my mom had to undergo a slight procedure... A biopsy... We come home from the hospital, and next thing I know, she's getting ready to cook...
I told her, “No, Ma. Go and rest, I can do the cooking today” and she gave me the look that said, “Not only do I have to go through the pain of this procedure, now I have to endure your cooking too?”...
So at the look of horror on her face at the mention of me cooking, I said “I'll order in”...
Then she said, “The doctor didn't say, I can't cook”...
I tell her as kindly as I could, "Ma, she said, 'Rest for a few days' which encompasses all work including cooking"...
I tell you, my mom seriously doesn't know the meaning of REST...
Like if a Terminator was hunting us down, my mom would so be Sarah Connor...
My mom actually is Sarah Connor sometimes at home... Like when I go to the bathroom to take a shower... and see a lizard, bee or cockroach...
I run out screaming... clutching my towel for dear life... and my mom goes to rescue me from that pesky bug... armed with an aerosol can and a pot of hot water... while I barricade myself in my room to protect myself... from the “bug-y” intruder... and leave my almost 70 mom to do the rescuing...
So yeah I'm not some badass woman, who burns the guy who just sold her an army... Cause I don't have any dragons... And if I did, I would probably say the word, “dracarys” and my dragons would just glare at me...
I could not control the 15-year-old kids I used to teach, who sometimes did remind me of dragons, pretty sure I would not be able to control dragons...
The only badass thing I do is play Christmas songs in July...
I know right! But sometimes you have the mood to listen to Hark the Herald in July... So I know the rules say Christmas tunes in December... But I like to break the rules sometimes... It's called being a badass...
Yeah... Ok... I'm not badass... I'm also a terrible daughter... I'm like the worst daughter a person could have...
If your daughter is giving you problems right now... and you feel like throwing something... at her... but you can't do that cause you know... social services... just remember one thing... the one thing to make you feel better... to calm you down... that things could be worse... you could have had ME for a daughter...
My mom is also our traffic police, zealously ensuring not only she, but we too, follow the traffic rules without compromise... Like staying within the speed limit and wearing our seat-belts.
We, her, trying to be cute and funny kids, but she probably calls us bad words in her mind, bad words like "ungrateful", always joke, that she would probably tell on us to the cops if we were ever caught. Probably even dutifully list out all our offenses. “Officer. My son didn't wear his seat-belt just now.”
Yeah. She's the 'more-your-friend-than-mom' cool mom like Lorelai Gilmore, with the jokes and fun, but without the being ok about us doing messed-up things and getting into trouble. The one who tells us when we're wrong but only because she wants us to be the best that we can be.
But the one job I wish she could give up on is being my unasked for PR agent.
Cause everyone knows about my eating patterns, my workout regimen, how I sleep, the celebrity I'm crushing on, my lack of social life... you get the picture...
Like the other day. Family friends were visiting. And their kids; a 13-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy were talking to me.
I guess they felt sorry for me, seeing me being so awkward and out of my element in the company of adults, and decided to keep me company....
Could also be because I was standing next to the table of food, and they wanted the chicken nuggets...
