17) The Tale of Playing Scrabble with my Mom

#QuarantineBlues This is the tale of playing Scrabble with my mom... who is like a walking dictionary... putting words that I need to consult the dictionary on my phone secretly to know their meaning...

Secretly because I don't want my mom to laugh at me... or give me the “did I really birth this child” look... because I didn't know the word... as I'm the person, who not only can't spell apocalypse, I can't pronounce it either... Also my go-to-word on Scrabble is usually 3-letter long... I like to take the road more simple... 

Anyway, good news, I won against my mom, the Scrabble Yoda...

How did I win? Read on my rambling tale to find out, where I go off-topic a lot... about cats and dilatory... and why I don't have kids... which may make people want to throw scrabble tiles at me... 

I'm sorry... Please don't triple word score me... I really am trying my best with this writing thing...  

So the other day, I played Scrabble with my mom because it's her favorite game... She's the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Scrabble... Yeah I don't know what this means, I was just trying to sound cool...

Anyway, I was doing the whole trying to be a good daughter thing... which I'm not really good at... but I was trying to learn a new skill... 

Tried Googling “How to be a good daughter” but Google wasn't really helpful... There was some mention of dragons... dancing on trains... battling minotaurs and stuff...  

So I stopped reading but thought to myself... playing the game she loves would probably count... so Scrabble, it is... 

Also I was bored... and was too lazy to read or watch TV... 

 

So I guess I'm not winning any daughter points?

Oh well... Never expected to... 

I'm very accepting of my lack of daughter skills... 

 

Anyways.... This the tale of our scrabble game...

The scrabble board is out... My mom goes first...

She makes one long word that uses almost all her tiles...

I put, “dog”...

She looks at me... I look at her... She looks at me again...

I'm like... what??? I like dogs... 

I mean not in the I want to keep them as pets kind of way... cause taking care of myself is already a losing battle... 

Also I don't like anything furry... I can't stand the feeling of fur touching me... actually I don't like anything touching me.... which is a sordid tale for another day...

A dog or cat brushes by me... I wince... scream... cry... shower for 7 days...

Do the whole shoulder thing... with my body all curled up... 

End up offending the cat or dog owner... 

It's not like I don't like cats... 

I like cute kittens with their adorable faces... Cute smile... 

But then they turn into cats...

Yeah I'm a horrible person... 

You could say a cad... 

 

Shut up? 

Ok...

 

I'm sorry pet owners... I don't want to hurt you... I know your pets are like your babies... but I don't like anything touching me... 

So can you please get your pets to stay far away from me... like perhaps in another room... And don't just let them roam around and come rub themselves against your guests... 

Rubbing yourself against complete strangers is considered rude.. Didn't you teach your pets that? 

Like see what you do to babies; put them in a cage so they don't roam about the house... 

Yeah... I know they are not called cages... but to a kid they may seem like cages...

So anyway cots.... cribs... pram... Yes... These were all my scrabble words... Can't you tell... 😅

Wait.. People actually let their kids crawl around the house... 

Hmmm Who knew... I thought they were always  caged... cribbed up... I should visit more friends...  

See what happens when you give kids too much freedom of movement... 

Luckily I'm not a mom.... 

Not because of the difficulties that come from caring for a kid.... but because of the whole “what if I get a kid just like me”... 

I'm already feeling sorry for myself just thinking about it...

Man, taking care of children is hard.... They say it's not rocket science... 

But have you done rocket science? No? Me too. So how are we going to compare it to rocket science.. 

Like I didn't know toddlers are not supposed to eat cake until they turn one because of the sugar... Like who knew??? I could have unknowingly poisoned my child, poor Christen and Kristen...

Or drugged them... Like my colleague actually did the other day... by accidentally giving her toddler her own cough syrup instead of the kid's... The kid slept for hours..

I really hope babies come with a baby manual... cause I don't want to harm the kid... 

A reset button would be nice too in case I unknowingly make a mistake... and the ability to remove their batteries when they cry too loudly...

Although I'm just glad babies come fully fixed and we don't have to DIY them....

Because all this baby stuff is enough to make anyone live in a constant state of worry... 

Don't feed them this or that... This cry means they're hungry... That one means gas... This cry means they are just cranky... 

How do they know?!

Then there are parents whose antenna lights up when their children get into trouble... do something they are not supposed to... or when their kid is lying... 

How do parents know this stuff... Is there like a Guardian Angel network where the Guardian Angel reports to the parents when their children mess up... 

Paging parents of Crystal Bethany... This is Alpha One calling Bravo Two. Do you read me? Here is an update on the status of your first born... 

She lied to her friends... Said the dress was nice when it wasn't... Also she ate a pizza... And yes she enjoyed the pizza... 

 

This is the loving gaze I give my slice of pizza.... 

If I'm gonna kill my diet.. I would rather do it with pizza..

 

She just finished work... She should be home soon... Over... 

Like is this how it works? 

Although my Guardian Angel probably wouldn't have much to complain about me... cause I'm like good... 

Don't wait-what me, Tyler.. 

I'm serious... I'm like the Fraulein of the Maria kind... The only sin I commit is eating sinful food... and maybe losing my temper... 

And I may have the sin of pride... of hubris (P.S. Angels would probably use this word cause they're, you know.. angelic)... 

15) The Tale of My Babysitting Adventures

This is the tale of my babysitting adventures... Which was like a horror movie but without the spooky calls from inside the house, creepy-looking kids, or toys trying to kill us... The horror part of it comes from my little pony lectures, my can-drive-people-crazy ramblings on Tyler Hoechlin, and me being a dreadful babysitter... I'm actually a horrible person in general; I don't know why people keep trusting me with their kid...

You would think with Tyler Hoechlin being my celebrity crush and current obsession, that my YouTube history will be filled with Tyler stuff; interviews, clips from his movies, random "Tyler is hot" videos from his fans, etc...

It isn't... Yeah... I'm a weird obsessive fan... 

The kind who says she's crazy about her celebrity crush... and can't stop thinking about him... but spends her time reading a book instead... I do love to read; it was what got me through my childhood... 

I don't even have his face as my phone or computer wallpaper...

Yes Tyler... I'm shocked too... 

I'm so proud of my restraint...

I should hug my willpower for its fortitude.

 

You believe me, don't you, Tyler?

 

Smart guy...

 

  

So maybe I use the private mode to Google him...

Hey... I don't want Google to know about my obsession with him... 

Some things I prefer to keep private... from Google... 

like my stash of chocolate truffles and candy bars, and its secret hiding place... 

my inability to say no to dessert... 

and my crazy, unexplained, I-wish-it-could-go-away crush on Tyler Hoechlin...

Also his face as my laptop wallpaper would mean I won't get any work done... 

I stared at the above Tyler gif for like close to 10 minutes... just watching him say "whatttt...." (yes... what is wrong with me indeed)

So yeah... My wallpaper is just random scenery stuff... Cause I could seriously spend my entire day staring at his face... 

Anyway, it's not like I haven't memorized his face... so I don't really need to stare at him every day... 

And yes I admit this freely without an ounce of shame... hey I listen to all the motivational stuff that says like who you like, don't care what others say, be yourself... so if the "myself" is a little bit loopy, that's what I'm going to continue to be...    

 

Tyler Hoechlin's gif seems to be resigned to my loopy obsession of him... maybe even supportive... a girl can hope... 

 

Anyway got my customary giddy raving about Tyler Hoechlin every time I write a blog post out of the way... 

Now I can go back to my babysitting tale.

So I opened my YouTube account the other day, in front of my colleagues, and there in all its glory was my watch history... 

 

Hey! Excuse me! 

Not this kind of watch history!

I'm no Castiel. The clueless, "I-don't-get-the-reference" angel, who watches totally inappropriate stuff occasionally... without realizing he's watching inappropriate stuff... but then continues to watch it...

Just to clarify... I don't watch stuff like that... Everything I watch has people with clothes on...  

Say what you want, but clothes were invented for a reason so I prefer to see people with clothes ON not off...  

I don't even want to see myself without clothes... If I could I would bathe with clothes on...   

 

Too much information, Oliver Queen? Ok sorry... Moving on... 

 

14) The tale of irritating the IT guy in my office

When the IT guy in my office starts his "explanation" on what's wrong with my PC using words I don't understand, when all I want him to do is tell me my baby is gonna be ok... I also prattle on a little about MacGyver, the 80s series I used to enjoy as a kid... Not really sure why my computer problem made me suddenly reminisce about the 80s and think of MacGyver... I realize I'm a very strange woman. 

A Note to the IT guy in my Office

Look, I don't mean to be the type of person you wish you could erase with a click of your mouse... but could you please tell me what's wrong with my PC and what I need to do... in a language I can understand... 

and not all that ancient alien stuff you're spewing... Cause I'm listening to you talk and all I hear is "Ancient Astronaut Theorists suggest..." 

Think of me as a 4-year-old learning my ABCs... Cause I didn't get a word you were saying just now... or what I'm supposed to do to solve my PC problem.

Are you speaking Kryptonese? Cause it certainly sounded like that to me. 

I know these are just common, everyday words to you. 

They're NOT for me.

Yes. This is exactly what you look like to me right now with that fast way you were saying your words, using a jargon, only you can understand. 

Hey, you can minion talk me all you want, with your "po-ka" and "la-boda" but the only thing going through my mind is... I want a banana... which would be lovely in some milk shake... that has a dash of rum... Cause that oatmeal I had for lunch didn't really satisfy my gastronomic urges.   

You can stare at me, all you want, Michael Scott, but I'm willing to bet a lot of IT people in your "office" have also filled you with the urgent need for a spiked milkshake.

Yes, Mr. IT Guy? No... my mind isn't wandering... Still paying attention... but still not getting what you're saying...

Whoaaa... So that's how the insides of a computer looks like... And that's why you brought all your gadgets... I was wondering why you needed all those mechanic tools... 

Was kinda worried you were going to use them on me... to you know... tighten those bolts in my head...  

No... I'm not giggling at you... Just randomly giggling at my own stupid joke... I do that all the time... laugh at my own jokes... They are not funny... but they seem to amuse me...

What's that you said? No!!! I don't really have bolts in my head... It was a joke...

I know... I know... The joke wasn't very good... I didn't say I was Wanda Sykes... 

What, Mr. IT Guy? Wanda Sykes??? Oh... She??? She's a comedian... 

I was trying to be a comedian too... 

Why do you have the confused look on your face, Mr. IT Guy? 

The look that says, “Please don't quit your day job”.... which, to be honest, is a look I get often at my every attempt to be funny... 

So you don't watch comedies? You probably watch IT movies, eh?

Like what??? Maybe Swordfish??? I watched it during my university days... 

Haven't seen it? It's an IT film... It was about hacking and stuff... Hugh Jackman was in it... Yeahhh the Wolverine guy...    

He can do such diverse roles, don't you agree? Comedy... Drama... brooding... Did you know he once played a Duke... I love the Victorian era... Especially the big hoop skirts.... One of my favorite authors is Georgette Heyer and her Regency books... 

Man. Hugh Jackman is such a cool actor, isn't he? 

Wait... Hang on... I didn't catch what you were saying, Mr. IT Guy? 

No... Nothing is wrong with me... Why do you keep asking me that...

No... I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret... Why do all men only think of models? Like couldn't men just stick to thinking of sports...

Yeah I do like to talk a lot... 

You don't really consider hacking as IT? 

Well... Ok... I hear you...

What did you say, Mr. IT Guy? 

That you were probably not even born yet when I was doing my degree? 

Wait... How old do you think I am...  

No... I'm not showing you the finger... 

That's my Wolverine impersonation...

13) The tale of my mom and the things she says (Part 1)

This is the tale of my mom and the things she says... She's wonderful and I love her, and would do anything for her... be there for her... take care of her... donate my kidneys to her (my kidneys would be grateful, cause it keeps complaining that it wants to move and find a better home since the current one is cramping its style)... fight off ghouls and monsters, which is just another word for pesky people who think they have a right to judge us, know what's good for us, and tell us how to live our lives... Man... Never realized I needed to get that pesky people thing off my chest... 

1) My Mom; My Unofficial and Unasked For Publicist 

My mom, and most people probably feel the same way about their own moms, is the nicest person in the world... 

The type of person, who says to me, as we get ready to have our meal, “Have you written a thank you message to the person who delivered this food to us?” 

And I go, “No Ma. I don't write thank you to Food Panda for delivering my order to me”.

Which apparently is the wrong answer because I get the frowning Derek Hale, I'm-so-disappointed-in-you-daughter-of-mine look in return... 

So to cover, and which is also the truth, I tell her that I said “Thank You” to the delivery person and tipped them... which usually meets with her approval...

Actually my mom didn't really have the above Derek Hale look. Her frowning, angry face isn't really very menacing.... It's like cute bunnies... 

I just wanted to look at Tyler's face... Cause I love his brooding Derek Hale look... That is meant to be scary... but you just find it sexy...  

What can I say, I have a thing for brooding men... Comes from reading a lot of Georgette Heyer growing up, and enjoying all her sneering Lords, Dukes and Earls... with their witty one-liners... and sarcastic retorts... Come to think of it, every time I see Derek Hale, I think this guy belongs in a Georgette Heyer book...

Sorry... Moving on...

 

Anyway... My mom, the poetry writing, bible studies teacher... other than being really sweet... is also seriously badass... 

She's like The Rock before he became Dwayne Johnson and started doing comedies and wearing a tutu.

Hey... "Tutu" all you want, Dwayne Johnson... Not judging your fashion style... I still think you rock... Get it... "rock"... It's a pun... on your name. 

Whattt... Can't a girl pun for fun? Not cool? 

Sorry... Please don't Hobbs on me like I'm Shaw.... 

Just trying to be punny... 

 Man... When you try to be funny with your punny jokes...

 

P.S. Dear Readers of my Blog (which could amount to 0, but hopefully there's at least 1) : Sometimes I write some crazy things in my attempt to write a humorous blog... Please ignore me... I'm a little bit loopy... 

Anyway... Dwayne Johnson... You're still one of my favorite brawny guy that I don't have a crush on. And my favorite Fast & Furious franchise person. Ok. Maybe not the most favorite. I also like Paul Walker. And Jason Statham. I watched Hobbs & Shaw 5 times because I like you both. 

If it had Tyler Hoechlin in it too, I probably would have hugged my TV. 

I mean, I hug my TV now too when a new episode of Superman & Lois airs and I see Clark Kent on the screen. 

Yes, you Tyler Hoechlin, of the many million wondrous smiles...

 

But seeing Dwayne Johnson, Statham and Hoechlin (in his Derek Hale mode) in one movie... Where they fight people, insult each other, and not smile... Man... I would not only hug my TV, I would... Ok... not really sure where I was going with that... 

Anyway... I would be excited... The kind of excited that would keep me up for days... The kind of excitement you get when you discover curly fries on the menu. 

I would be like drunk... but without booze.... which, if I think about it, is how I am on most days...  

Come to think of it, this is exactly my face and reaction when I see Tyler Hoechlin on TV.... or when I see photos and gifs of him on social media... or just generally when I think of him... 

So doing that face... suddenly... without reason... or context... can I really blame people for thinking I'm drunk...

hmmmmm... I wonder what it would be like if I was fully drunk..... It's not like I don't drink... But I drink two shots of whisky and I get tired and go to bed.  

Yeah... I'm doing it again, aren't I? 

Rambling on like a fool...

Where was I? Ohhhh my mom...

She sacrificed so much to give us a good life, and it doesn't matter how old we are, or that my younger siblings are married, she still continues to look out for us and worry about us.

She is also a slayer of many jobs... handling any job and any role.

She was and still is a good teacher. She's our handyman. Our plumber. She once painted an entire room all by herself, while I was at work. Moving around the big heavy cupboards, desks, cabinets, and bed, while doing the painting... And you may think. That ain't too bad... Yeah... This painting thing happened last year, when she was 68. 

She taught us that it's never too late and that we're never too old to want to achieve things. That as long as we have the willpower, we will have the strength to do anything. 

My mom probably got her Xena, Warrior Princess-like ways from her mom, my grandmother... another badass, who has done the real-life "Home Alone" thing by fighting off robbers, trying to break into her house, with hot water and aerosol spray, has wrestled with snakes... even cobras...  

“Supergran” was actually the nickname we gave our grandmother once upon a time... Which was a quirky 80s show, that my sister and I used to watch as kids...  

My grandmother loved that nickname, happy to live up to it, whenever she could.

hmmmm maybe one day I will write the tale of my grandmother's badass exploits.

Gee... Thanks, Mr. almost same name as mine....

Please contain your excitement... 

You might hurt yourself...

Anyway, just like Supergran, my mom, if given the chance, and even without the powers, and we weren't there to nag her to rest more, she would probably renovate our entire house... 

My mom's motto is, "rest is for the weak"...

When people tell her, "Have a good rest"... She's like, what is that word you're speaking... R.E.S.T? How do you do this thing called “REST”... Computer can't compute...   

She gets annoyed when my siblings and I nag her to rest more... not do anything heavy... climb ladders when we're not around... saying that she would be ok...

Casually forgetting that once, as she was doing some of her usual renovation work around the house, accidentally super-glued her two fingers together...  

  

The exact glowering look on my mom's face when she's forced to rest...

 

The other day, my mom had to undergo a slight procedure... A biopsy... We come home from the hospital, and next thing I know, she's getting ready to cook... 

I told her, “No, Ma. Go and rest, I can do the cooking today” and she gave me the look that said, “Not only do I have to go through the pain of this procedure, now I have to endure your cooking too?”... 

So at the look of horror on her face at the mention of me cooking, I said “I'll order in”... 

Then she said, “The doctor didn't say, I can't cook”... 

I tell her as kindly as I could, "Ma, she said, 'Rest for a few days' which encompasses all work including cooking"... 

I tell you, my mom seriously doesn't know the meaning of REST...  

Like if a Terminator was hunting us down, my mom would so be Sarah Connor... 

My mom actually is Sarah Connor sometimes at home... Like when I go to the bathroom to take a shower... and see a lizard, bee or cockroach... 

I run out screaming... clutching my towel for dear life... and my mom goes to rescue me from that pesky bug... armed with an aerosol can and a pot of hot water... while I barricade myself in my room to protect myself... from the “bug-y” intruder... and leave my almost 70 mom to do the rescuing... 

So yeah I'm not some badass woman, who burns the guy who just sold her an army... Cause I don't have any dragons... And if I did, I would probably say the word, “dracarys” and my dragons would just glare at me... 

Heck they would roll their eyes, sigh and walk away... and go look for someone more badass... more "Hiccup"-y to be their keeper...  

I could not control the 15-year-old kids I used to teach, who sometimes did remind me of dragons, pretty sure I would not be able to control dragons...  

The only badass thing I do is play Christmas songs in July...

I know right! But sometimes you have the mood to listen to Hark the Herald in July... So I know the rules say Christmas tunes in December... But I like to break the rules sometimes... It's called being a badass...

Yeah... Ok... I'm not badass... I'm also a terrible daughter... I'm like the worst daughter a person could have... 

If your daughter is giving you problems right now... and you feel like throwing something... at her... but you can't do that cause you know... social services... just remember one thing... the one thing to make you feel better... to calm you down... that things could be worse... you could have had ME for a daughter... 

My mom is also our traffic police, zealously ensuring not only she, but we too, follow the traffic rules without compromise... Like staying within the speed limit and wearing our seat-belts. 

We, her, trying to be cute and funny kids, but she probably calls us bad words in her mind, bad words like "ungrateful", always joke, that she would probably tell on us to the cops if we were ever caught. Probably even dutifully list out all our offenses. “Officer. My son didn't wear his seat-belt just now.”

Yeah. She's the 'more-your-friend-than-mom' cool mom like Lorelai Gilmore, with the jokes and fun, but without the being ok about us doing messed-up things and getting into trouble. The one who tells us when we're wrong but only because she wants us to be the best that we can be.

But the one job I wish she could give up on is being my unasked for PR agent.

Cause everyone knows about my eating patterns, my workout regimen, how I sleep, the celebrity I'm crushing on, my lack of social life... you get the picture...

Like the other day. Family friends were visiting. And their kids; a 13-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy were talking to me.

I guess they felt sorry for me, seeing me being so awkward and out of my element in the company of adults, and decided to keep me company.... 

Could also be because I was standing next to the table of food, and they wanted the chicken nuggets...

 

Ok maybe I want them chicken nuggets too... 

And no... the sudden craving for chicken nuggets has nothing to do with Tyler Hoechlin.