This is the tale of my big, fat, boring life... The constant struggle with people who say hurtful things that make me feel I am not really worth anything... and I wish I could just bite them... but then again they could be a little too stale for my taste... so I wrote this blog instead... to share my grievances...
I
realize I may be a little odd... Like who writes a blog post talking
about biting people because they made fun of you... but not doing it
NOT because people shouldn't go around biting other people... but
because they may be stale... like their jokes... My jokes too are
stale.. but I try not to overthink that too much...
Growing up, I was the kid in school... that was slightly "different"... who enjoyed books more than boys... wasn't into the latest boybands, which was the thing in the 90s... as I was more into the oldies my mom introduced me too...
"You have to listen to this... it's really good"... was all she had to say...
And listen I did, being the dutiful daughter I am, and I'm saying this "dutiful daughter" thing not only with a grain of salt... or a pinch... it's more like the whole bottle of salt...
But then as it tends to happen, I find that my mom is always right, and not only did I enjoy the oldies then, but now, years later, I still do...
My mom was also the one who got me interested in books... Introducing me to authors like Georgette Heyer and her Regency tales filled with humor and swashbuckling fun...
And Jack Higgins, whose books, are as manly a book as you can get, with tales of espionage and intrigue, with the magnetic Sean Dillon, former gun-for-hire IRA assassin, now gone good and an agent for the government...
Probably why I've always been the woman who enjoys action movies more than rom-coms.
Especially action tales of guys being all macho and protecting those they love...
I don't condone violence at all... but when a guy crushes
another guy's hand because that guy hurt the woman he loves... Is it wrong if I find that sexy?
What can I say.... I like protective men.... who look after you... And make you feel safe...
I like men who look after women... Especially those in abusive relationships.... Making sure they're safe from being harmed by those who are supposed to love and protect them....
Ok maybe we shouldn't hurt people... but still... And I shouldn't enjoy this but that guy is just getting back what he did to that poor woman...
But then again... I don't support guys who make a habit of punching out guys for no reason...
Like it must be a really strong reason...
Like a peaceful, smiling, waving Superman who growls when in protective mode...
I am a very weird person, aren't I?
I want Superman...
Sorry.... Went out of topic...
Anyway while my friends were reading Sweet Valley High, I was reading Jack Higgins and Georgette Heyer...
If there is a sure way how not to relate with your peers at school... is to be into stuff that none of them have heard of...
That being said, I'm still grateful to my mom not only for everything in my life... but also for introducing me to books... and the music and films of her era... things she watched and listened to as a kid.
Grateful for all the song and dance from the musicals she introduced me too...
For Scarlet Pimpernel and his outward vapid, airy ways, but hiding such courage and intelligence within... The those days version of Clark Kent/Superman...
For the haunting cries of “Champ... Champ” that traumatized me, leaving me a sobbing mess at the end of the movie... And watching it now years later, I realize I can still get all choked up...
Trying not to judge but I don't get moms who abandon their kids... I wonder if the mother would have wanted the kid back if he was annoying and not cute...
Feeling like an outsider or that I did not belong, was already bad enough... but being overweight made it worst... with the constant mean things people have and still say to me...
Making me feel worse than I already felt about myself... The taunts that people toss at me nonchalantly... The worry of receiving a cutting remark every time I eat in front of others... The casual fat jokes...
The hardest thing in life is growing up as a fat kid... Even harder to be a fat adult.
It got to the point, that I sometimes didn't want to leave the house and go anywhere... worried about what people were going to say to me...
That being said, I realize I should be grateful... that even if things people said hurt... I do have a supportive family and a happy life... even a happy childhood...
And thankful that I didn't need friends to play with growing up... That I had my books to keep me company...
Books that still keep me company now as an adult...
My colleagues excitedly wait for make-up and glamour tools to arrive in their mail... I wait for books... No better scent than the fresh pages of a new book...
So I'm grateful for my love of books... because I know a happy childhood isn't always a given when you grow up different from the norm...
Recently while coming home from work, I saw a kid... slightly overweight... standing at his bicycle... gazing sadly at a bunch of kids playing soccer or football as it's called here in Malaysia...
The kids were happy and having fun... while this overweight kid watched them sadly from a distance away... I continued to watch him... getting all emotional... watching him leave after a while with his bicycle...
I thought of the kid the whole night... getting emotional a little as I told the story to my colleagues the next day.. I couldn't stop thinking about the kid... I felt his longing... The need to belong... or to be accepted... The pain of rejection...
Feelings I still get
now as an adult... But as a kid, the feelings are just more
intense...
I'm not saying those kids rejected him... Maybe he was too shy to approach them as I would have at that age... The fear of rejection or being made fun of... Or maybe he has tried to play with them before and they didn't let him... excluded because of his weight...
I don't know the reasons... All I know is I felt for the boy... Felt his loneliness... Wished I could have given him a hug... Or that I had a kid of my own, that I could encourage to go befriend this kid... All I could do was pray that he finds a friend soon to keep him company... or gets accepted into that group of kids...
Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be accepted when you just don't conform to the norm... Why can't people accept everyone no matter how they look... or how much they weigh...
"Be Happy with the Way You Are".... "Love Yourself".... "Beauty is Skin Deep"...
Words meant to motivate and inspire... and make you feel good about yourself... I too say them to people all the time and mean it...
But on the days when I'm feeling really down... I wonder if these words were written by beautiful people... because who else would say be happy with your looks but someone who does have good looks...
Especially on the days I think I look like a Sasquatch... Or made to feel I look like one... when you feel like you're not worth anything... I wish I could have someone say to me, "You're perfect in your imperfections... To me, you're perfectly imperfect"...
Then I realize it's stupid... So I wake myself up...
I turn heads too when I walk by people... Not turn the head round like you see in the movie Exorcist, which I watched as a kid... that may or may not have scarred me for life...
But when I walk past people... they do give me the same look of fear I had watching the Exorcist...
Cause people think of my butt as a weapon that can send people flying... Weapon of Mass Propulsion...
So they make room for me to pass... to prevent me knocking them out cold if I were to accidentally bump into them...
Look... Oh ye of so much fear... My butt isn't that strong... This isn't going to happen to you... I'm not going to knock you out... or propel you across the room...
So walk by me, with no fear, my hearties...
Although... There was this one time... I was bending down to take food from the fridge (which is where my head could be found, on most days), and my butt accidentally knocked into my little cousin, and he went flying across the room...
Nothing happened to him... He was ok... It's me who's not ok with the constant re-telling of this tale... by my very helpful, life-of-the-party, mom...
Probably where the legend of my butt and its people propelling powers came about....
So anyway... Butt attacks aside...
Sometimes at moments when my life is a little more dreary than usual... When it's not a Michael Learns to Rock song... that is pleasant and heartwarming... but on the days that it's a heavy metal song that makes you want to scream...
When people call you names... and casually insult you... wondering why you're not laughing at their jokes, which they think is brilliant...
It's on those days, that I wish I was born beautiful...
The kind of beautiful where the air sizzles around you... Flowers bloom when you walk... Birds sing and fly around you, while they fetch you things....
When a Prince Superman falls in love with you...
Awwww... Tyler Hoechlin... My favorite Superman... In my mind... when you fly... even birds come to watch...
Who needs princes... when there's Tyler Hoechlin... or so it is to me...
Sorry Tyler, who has the misfortune of being my first and only celebrity crush.... actually my first crush ever...
I was fine not having a crush on anyone... Happy with my life, books, movies and songs... but then one day.... Tyler Hoechlin moved into my mind... just like that... and he hasn't moved out since... Now I'm stuck with him in my head...
So anyway... I'm pretty sure things are going to get worse for you, Tyler... so I apologize to you in advance... for all the embarrassing things I may write about you in this post and future posts...
No No... My apology is sincere, Tyler... I'm always sincere in my apologies...
Although I do have a problem saying a proper apology in person, face-to-face... I mean I feel sorry but can't say the words...
Maybe cause I'm like an awkward person... I feel more comfortable with text... Putting words down works for me... So I sometimes write my apologies...
That makes me a horrible person, doesn't it?
So anyway Tyler... I'm sorry for the misfortune of being my crush...
Actually looking at the things that go on in my head sometimes... that I may or may not write about here on this blog of mine... perhaps I should also apologize to your parents... and your future spouse...
My future spouse too, I guess... if I ever do fall in love which is probably never happening in the near future cause I'm still stuck at the “boys are made of frogs and snails, and puppy-dogs' tails” stage...
Although to be honest, growing up, I did love to EAT everything made with “sugar and spice and everything nice”...
Wait... Is that the "judging you" or "Are you for real?" look... cause I get that look quite often...
So anyway, I will try to keep the fawning adoration of you, Tyler, to a minimum in future posts.... 😅
or at least try to keep it clean out of respect for you... also cause I'm worried my mom might stumble upon this blog of mine and kill me... or worst be ashamed of me... I think she's currently already at 80% embarrassed of me... I don't want to max her out...
Sorry where was I? I got a little sidetracked from my tale of sorrow and gloom...
So yeah... it hurts when people say mean things and call you names... It hurts when you've been made to feel that you're less than nothing.
I wish I was like Nanny Fine... who flicks off all the insults thrown at her, with confidence... that I too had the wit to give a smart retort...
I'm no John Travolta confidently strutting down the street... to the beat of “Stayin' Alive” but then again when The Bee Gees is your background music, how can you not strut...
Also, pretty sure I don't do the walking thing well... cause sometimes I walk... then bump into a wall... and injure my toe... then scold the wall for being in my way...
Toe injury tale coming soon... Stay tuned...
Anyway, back to my fat tales...
The problem with me is when people insult me or make fun of me...
I just laugh it off... pretending not to care although the words hurt...
And I don't have the heart to be insulting in return... so I just smile...
When I shared the sorrowful tale of my insults, someone gave me a helpful advice... "sit on them"... Yup... That's the meaningful Jedi Master advice I was given...
People insult you... you sit on them...
Hmmm... Maybe while sitting on them... I could also sing that song from The Heavy, "So how you like me now? How you like me now?"...
While my tormentors struggle and gasp for breath... Take that, people who call me fat!
P.S. Isn't it freaky that when you think of that song and its sick beat, your shoulders automatically start moving...
Notes : I learnt of the band, The Heavy, cause I'm like the crazy person who researched what songs her celebrity crush listened to and started listening to them too...
Then discovered that I actually like some of the bands and artists he has mentioned in the past, like the laid-back songs of Jack Johnson...
Yes I know people might say there's something wrong with me for looking up my celebrity crush's musical choice but I didn't just do it because of him...
I like discovering new music especially as I was getting bored with the 1000 over songs on my playlist... and found that I was overusing the "Next" button a lot... and needed to find something new to listen to... so my celebrity crush's song suggestion is the way to go... It's called being ingenious...
Also I'm open to all kinds of music so my playlist is as jumbled as my thoughts and blog posts... with EDM, 50s - 70s music, Classic Rock, Country, Hard Rock, Metal, Pop... There's even Gospel and Christian songs...
Although I do like listening to instrumental sax tunes... even if it's a little bit bluesy...
Actually, I enjoy any form of instrumental music especially those performed by an orchestra... Those big orchestral waves of music even gets me emotional at times...
I admire people who are musically gifted... To have a good voice or the ability to play a musical instrument...
The one talent I wished I had... that even if I couldn't sing, which is a talent one needs to be born with... but that I at least could learn a musical instrument...
Maybe not at the level of a Lindsey Stirling... but enough to keep me happy...
There's a girl at the church I go to... She's an accountant by profession... and can play any music on the piano just by listening to it... She doesn't even need sheet music...
In constant awe of her
talent... What a blessing to have this gift...
Violin... guitar... Sax (I have a thing for the sax... Just love the sounds coming out of it)... Erhu, a Chinese traditional instrument, that I formed a liking to after hearing it being played during our company dinner...
I love them all...
So instrumental music has always been a part of my playlist... I have even looked online for the instrumental version of popular songs...
Although I sometimes like the quiet when I work... which is why I usually wait till everyone has gone home after working hours to do my work...
And why I sometimes wake up at 4am to write... Yes that explains why my blog posts usually sound like a drunken sailor.... which come to think of it, is actually very unfair to sailors... not all of them like to drink... some like to dance...
But occasionally when I get the attack of the sleeps... and feel myself nodding off... I listen to music...
Some like to listen to songs to fall asleep... I listen to songs to keep me awake and alert...
So instrumentals are the perfect choice... I prefer these type of music when I'm at the office instead of songs with words... so it won't distract me from my work, which sometimes require concentration...
But occasionally when I'm at the stage of I'm nodding my head off this table... Like I need a shot of something to keep awake....
Then it's time to pull out the Classic Rock... Black Sabbath's Paranoid... or Rolling Stone's Paint it Black... The guitar riffs and drum beat kick me awake... Look I don't know whether this is correct... I enjoy music but not knowledgeable about it.. I just love the beautiful sounds of music)...
Sometimes you just want something to give your head a good workout as it goes up and down...
The reason why I enjoyed the Supernatural series... for the great songs they introduced me to...
I'm also grateful to the minions for I Can Make Your Hands Clap... The best wake me up song... Although I think it has dirty lyrics... but it can't be... cause it was used for the minions... and they're cute and adorable...
Anyway I usually try not to over analyze what I'm listening to and just enjoy the song... and the melody...
Or wait... is that irritated look for my rambling??? Oh well... I hope not... Cause more music rambling coming your way...
So anyway... Let's just say calling it an eclectic mix of songs is putting it lightly...
From singers like Adam Lambert... Ed Sheeran... 60s crooners, Cliff Richard and The Everly Brothers, The Beatles... Lady A... Avicii... to all the Glee songs performed by Darren Criss...
There's the theme songs to various 80s shows like MacGyver and the Supernatural series soundtrack...
And Tyler singing Wonderwall for some improv thing he did... which for some reason, I can't stop listening to...
Hey... I think Tyler's voice is pretty good...
Me being Indian, there are also a few songs from Tamil movies, that I like listening to for their cool melody and hot beat...
My ears are like in constant shock, going from “Don't Pull Your Love” to “10,000 Reasons” to “Monody” to “Bus Stop” to “New Divide” to “Things He Handed Down” to “Life After You” to “Your love is a lie”...
A collection that will make any ear confused or drive it crazy... My ears are like, "Do I cry... get all angsty... or should I smile... or dance... What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!! Are you hot or cold... up or down... make up your mind, woman!"
But when you suddenly hear the Gummi Bears song (I like the singer's voice) when you're listening to your playlist... then you realize that maybe people do have justifications for calling you odd.
Then again, they're my choice... my ears... and I'm not going to change my taste in music no matter what people say... or how many cease-and-desist letters my ears send me...
Or death threats... sometimes it's death threats...
I do wonder if it's just me, who listens to a wide variety of songs, from different genres and era, in one sitting... going from loud to crooning... from dancing to feeling soppy with a sentimental song... Or if others do too....
From what people have told me, they usually listen to one singer/band at a time... Then go to another singer/band another time... depending on their mood... whether they want a little bit country... a little bit rock 'n roll... want the head banging beat... or something romantic...
I guess that's what makes the human race so unique... Even the way we listen to songs is different...
Man... How cheesy is it that I'm linking those songs to their respective music videos...
Anyway, where was I? Ohhh sitting on a person when they insult me...
Any superpower comes with responsibilities... So having a big behind may be my superpower, but I know I have to practice caution...
I don't want to cause serious damage to their organs by sitting on them.
Like crush their heart... Pulverize their kidneys...
Why that look, Tyler?
See, I know Science... I studied... in school... a long time ago...
Haven't you seen how easy it is to put your hand into someone's chest and pull out his or her heart? Easy I tell you.
Hey it happened on Once Upon A Time... So if it happens on TV then it must be true...
Man... The things they could have taught us in school.
But what did they teach us? Aorta, Vena Cava, Wingardium Leviosa... and stuff.
What??? We can't do this in real life, Dr. Bailey???
Anyway, heart ripping, shirt tearing aside, have to admit, a big motivation for watching Once Upon A Time was for the sexy pirate called Killian Jones.
Yes... You are Captain... Yes you are...
I guess you could say I was "hooked" on him...
Get it?????
Hooked... Cause he was Captain Hook.
Well he looks confused...
What?? Not funny?? Man... Tough crowd...
Why don't people get me... my puns... or my jokes...
Anyway. I'm just a talker... Not really a "make-things-happen" person... so no jumping on the "insulter" and crushing them with my butt...
I also don't want to go to prison for the crime of killing someone by sitting on them.
Cause prisons have dementors and stuff...
Hey... I know things... I read...
I read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which provided good insights into the prison system...
When before that, I used to think of prison as the place hot guys like Jason Statham raced high-tech, specially modified cars...
Yes seriously... I saw you do the racing thing...
The place where the only way you can shawshank your way out is by tunneling your way through the wall of your cell with a fork and spoon, rock hammer or something...
So no... I don't want to go to prison.
Cause you also need to pee in front of other people. I can't pee in front of others.
I can't
even change my clothes in front of others, even my family... I can't
let other people see me naked...
The only one who has seen me without clothes is my mirror, which explains why it's in therapy... and maybe medical personnel... hmmmm come to think of it, they might need therapy too...
Which is why I don't often look in the mirror unless I'm fully covered... Cause I don't want to scare myself... or my mirror... Sparing it from unnecessary pain... It has enough cracks on it as it is...
So all things considered... you could say, even I have not seen ME naked...
Because most of the time... I go
“Mirror Mirror On the Wall” and my mirror takes one look at me,
and kills itself....
The poor sad life of my mirror...
So I don't jump on anyone and crush them when they insult me.
All I do is give them a fake smile and walk away.
While mentally slapping them.
Imagining them choking on their food.
Cursing them in my sleep.
Like Merlin... who, according to the BBC series, Merlin, is spending his days roaming our world, looking for Arthur...
So I could turn them... into a toad?
No! This is the 21st Century... I would turn them into shoes... You like being thin, people who call me “Fat”... you like being long and thin so much... I'll turn you into a stiletto... or a person who has to wear a stiletto for the rest of their life and never take them off... cause that's pain for you...
I was just kidding, Arthur and Merlin.... Don't worry... I'm not that evil...
I can never commit the crime of cursing someone... I feel guilty when I want to unfollow someone on social media... I agonize over it and end up not unfollowing them... Cause I don't want to hurt their feelings in case they find out I've unfollowed them...
The kind of girl who feels guilty when I don't say my prayers for the day.... When my mom says, “Want to pray with me?” at night after work.... and I'm tired from work... and my after-work HIIT workout... and I just want to stare at the TV and sleep... but then I feel guilty cause you know... how can I not show my gratitude for my blessings...
So I pray... while fighting with my eyes and telling it sternly not to close... or I would shave off its brows... When you're tired and fighting the urge not to fall asleep, sometimes you argue with your eyes... while my eyes pout and say it's my brain that's at fault for the sleep urges...
Man.. That was so corny..
Anyway.... my curses don't work...
What do you take me for... It's not like I'm a witch... like those on A Discovery of Witches... I couldn't weave anything.
Although the other day I saw something glowing on my finger, and thought... oh my gawd... am I a witch...
before realizing it was the residue from the spicy nuts I was munching on...
So I'm no witch...
I can't even scare away the stray cats that like to watch me from outside my window... The cats in my neighborhood are like mini tigers (from what I read recently, cats share 95% of its DNA with tigers... so my fear is justified... like they could kill me with a bite)...
Which is why when I shoo them away, they meow at me the words that I roughly translate as “Shut up human... Or I'll end you”...
So I shoo... They glare... with a look so stern, for a while there, I thought the cat was Professor McGonagall...
Bringing me any letter, cat?
I thought only owls delivered letters.
Wait... Am I going to Hogwarts?
I'm funny?
No?
Okay, fine, Dr. Cristina Yang...
Someday
my owl will come...
Back to the weary contemplation of the horrible things people say to me.
Once, a long time ago, someone told me, "When you were a baby, you were so cute. So pretty. Someone told your mom, just to have a daughter like you will be a blessing... Now her daughter is so beautiful... She must feel really stupid for ever saying that then cause look at you now."
Gee.. Thank you, aunty I-don't-know-your-name, feels really good hearing you say that... Does wonders for my ego... How you must love your life, going up to a young girl and breaking her spirit.
One of my uncles once said that when I was a baby, about a year old, I was so popular... That everywhere we went, everyone wanted to hold me cause I was so cute and pretty.
Maybe I was preening a little when I heard this.
Kidding. I ran around excited like Mr. Bean, when I heard this...
In my head though... not really run... I can't run... or hop... walking is already a struggle...
Hey... I know I was a cute baby... I have eyes... I've seen the photos.
Then he had to go and give me a punch in the face.
He went on to say, “Who would have guessed that the cute baby would become THIS!”, as he looked me up and down with a grimace...
Another time I overheard my mom's friend telling my mom, that my mom is lucky to have me for a daughter.
When I heard this, I was ecstatic.
Was thinking she really liked me and was praising my mom for having me as a daughter... Cause I ain't too bad, you know... I've never acted out... Came home drunk and made a scene... Stayed out late, breaking curfew... Actually I never went out...
Not saying that those who do are wrong or bad... but still being a daughter that never gave my mom any undue worry or stress should count for something, shouldn't it? I mean I know I can be grumpy at times... but I never did anything shocking...
But as I was feeling happy that someone thought I was worth something, I guessed I was fooled, like poor old Ned Stark, who once said, "nothing someone says before the word 'but' really counts".
A recipient of many buts in my life...
A lot of... "It's good... It's good"...
(you feel happy)...
Then it comes....
BUT...
(crash boom bang)...
So I guess I should have waited for the "but".... and boy, did it come.
She then continued with, "My daughter is so beautiful, I can't take her anywhere... All the guys crowd around her... It's so hard... I'm so worried for her...
At least with your daughter, you don't have to worry about guys wanting her... I wish I had a daughter that looked like yours... Less worry for me."
I was young then... In my teens... And hearing that, was a blow.... to my confidence... self-esteem.... my heart...
It's not like I wanted attention... I was happy being the center of nobody's attention...
Look... I'm quite ok with the fact that no one notices me... I know I'm a flop... I've been this way since 1956... Ok maybe not 1956.. but since I can remember...
I don't need anyone looking at my palm or making magic signs to tell me they can cure me... I'm fully accepting of my weird ways..
Sometimes I think I'm not beautiful cause I have the potential to be vain... To be filled with the sin of pride...
I do have feelings of pride when I do something well at work or accomplish my goals... Maybe I already am under the category of vain..
So I accept that the way I am; beauty-less... not wanted...
is exactly how
it's meant to be... How I'm meant to be...
But it just hurts nevertheless to have people say it out loud...
I also felt bad for my mom... having to hear that from her friend.
I actually hate it more when people do pay attention to me... especially unwanted or unsolicited attention...
Ok TMI story coming up (not really sure why I'm sharing this really personal story... will probably regret it... but sharing for those who have gone through the same... sending hugs your way)...
I was in an all-girls school, throughout my life, but when I was 18, and pre-U, I had to change school and went to a school that had both boys and girls...
And I remember on the first day.... I was walking with some friends, and an unknown girl came up to me.... pointed to a guy and said, “He likes you”...
I gazed in shock.... Then they all started laughing hysterically... Not in a “happy, it's a beautiful day for a laugh” kind of way... but in a “we are totally laughing at you because it's a foolish notion that this guy could actually want you” kind of way...
It was the first time that I realized that people could be cruel... and that I could become the challenge... the gag... The walk up to the most unattractive girl in school and tell her you like her kind of way...
Not really sure what led to the joke... The let's punk her joke... What was behind the whole thing... Was it a dare? A Barney Stinson's “Challenge Accepted” thing.... A form of initiation dare... Hazing?
But I've gotten over it... Can't even remember the faces of the parties involved... the girl or the guy she was pointing at... but I have memories of how it happened but most importantly how I felt...
It did make things uncomfortable for me in the new school for a while... but I'm grateful that the embarrassing episode didn't really break me.... I got over it...
The "I'm fine being punked and I won't be broken" feeling lasted till a friend of mine recounted the tale to HER mother... who was friends with MY mother...
And when her mom and my friend visited us one day... My friend's mother said, “I heard a guy said he liked you” and gave me a snarky grin...
Ok maybe it was just a normal grin... but I was feeling miserable so it seemed snarky to me...
I did freeze though.... The electric shock kind of freezing...
My mom got excited that someone wanted her ogre-like daughter... While I embarrassingly mumbled, “It was a joke”....
Then went to my room and cried after they left...
Anyway embarrassing recollections done... Back to my tale...
There's this scene from the Netflix series, "Never Have I Ever"...
A series I could relate with... not only because I'm an Indian too... but because like the protagonist, Devi, I'm also awkward at times, and say and do the wrong things...
Although there are some aspects of Devi's personality that I don't get... Like talking to a random guy is already something I rarely do... unless they're people I work with and I'm forced to talk to them...
But asking a guy you barely know... to sleep with you just because you think he's hot... and you don't want to be a virgin anymore...
No Devi No.... Don't do that... Don't sleep with a random guy... no matter how hot you think he is...
Don't give me that... Listen to me...
What if he has diseases like STDs... Have you vetted him first? Like run a background check... A medical test...
Cause I watch Grey's Anatomy and The Good Doctor... so I'm like kinda a doctor now... and know things can happen when you get into bed with a man...
He can pass you things... like diseases... babies... and stuff...
He can also make you cry in the shower... like really loud sobbing cries... because you love him... but don't want to...
then you find out he has a wife... hidden away... not in the closet... but like in another town... and then you meet her... and she says... "And you must be the woman who's been doing the gojango with my husband"...
True story... It happened on Grey's Anatomy...
I also watch Criminal Minds... He could be charming... But he could also be a serial killer...
The innocent-looking beautiful woman who turns out to be an evil druid... Like it happened on Teen Wolf... And you know if something is said in a werewolf show, it's bound to be true...
It could happen to any of us... Never trust a pretty face..
So yeah... it's a jungle out there...
What... Don't give me the, “what's wrong with you” look, Devi...
When
I was your age... I didn't think of gojangos with a boy... the only thing on my mind... was the pineapple
upside down cake my mom usually makes for us when she gets her
salary.... which was the cake that was all the rage in the 90s...
Actually cake is still the only thing on my mind now...
Ok... Maybe I totally deserve that look...
On the bright side, I did learn a lot of new things from the show... That people actually record themselves doing sexy things... call it thirst trap... and post them online... Who knew...
Who am I kidding... I ain't doing no thirst trap videos... Cause I'm the type of person who looks in horror and tries to decline... when they hand you the signboard and ask you to do the “I am vaccinated” photo thing...
So to actually take a sexy video.... pretty sure I would weep... my camera would weep... The people seeing my thirst trap videos would kill themselves...
So now I finally understand all the tweets from fans who usually use the word, “thirst” in connection with Tyler Hoechlin... It had nothing to do with being thirsty and needing water... as I once thought... I so need to learn more about this stuff...
Another thing I learnt... Apparently they're not talking about the 206 bones (how do people know how many bones we have in our body... did they count every one of them?)... that we have in our body... This means something else...
Also, who
knew there were so many “positions” and names for when you do the "you know"... the boning thing... the pa ka praw with someone...
Thanks Never Have I Ever for being so helpful and sharing these things... that I never knew... never wanted to know... and would probably never have the need for...
Humans are so creative
when it comes to the bedroom arts, aren't they?
Imagine having to watch a teen show to learn these stuff... Yay me...
P.S. The irony of learning all this in a teen show eludes me...
So anyway... This scene... This is not a myth... or just a joke...
It actually happens.
Every gathering I attend, whether it's a wedding or some social gathering, I will be greeted with this : "You have put on so much weight. So fat already. What is wrong with you. You cannot continue like this you know, who's going to want you."
The reason why I hate socializing.
Cause apparently... according to these aunties... who are not related to you but seem so happy to give their opinion on your life... a woman being single is like a crime...
Sorry... I'm not generalizing... or being judgemental... This is actually my real-life experience...
I remember hearing my father being admonished by his friend, because I'm not married...
That friend told my dad... that it didn't matter that I was fat.... his daughter was too... but he managed to find her a husband... and my father needs to make the effort to do the same for me...
I was shocked hearing that... Thinking to myself... Do you think that I'm some merchandise... to be just passed on to anyone willing to take me on in matrimony...
And worst they act like it's my parent's fault that I'm not married... like it's their responsibility... that they're not doing their duty...
I felt so sad for my father.... to have to hear that...
I'm sorry, pa...
I'm always thankful that my parents and family accept me for who I am and
have never forced me to be anything I didn't want to be... or do
anything I didn't want to do...
They've never pressured me into losing weight... or getting married... or stop me from being me...
And my father, as traditional as an Indian father could be... never made my single-hood an issue....
I have seen a few arranged marriages in my community... and I'm grateful that I was never pressured into one by my parents...
Thanks to the education, lovingly provided by my parents... I can earn a comfortable living... and have the means to support myself...
So I never had to marry someone out of necessity instead of love... which I've seen happening so often here...
Maybe because my parents' marriage wasn't an arranged one... Maybe because they love me... Whatever the reason.... I'm grateful...
to Ma and PA....
But my heart does go out to women who are forced to marry men they don't love... some they are not even attracted to... because they don't have any other choice...
I remember attending a wedding with my family when I was a kid...
And accompanying my mom to the bridal room... and saw the bride sobbing because she didn't want the marriage...
Not happy with the guy... finding out his true nature or something... (Not so sure of the details... I was a kid)...
But had no choice but to go through with the wedding...
With her
relatives asking her to wipe her tears and pull herself together... That some of them married men they didn't love but now they have kids and they're happy... That to call off the wedding at that moment would bring shame to the family...
I think it scarred me a little...
I was young... About 10... For me then, love and marriage was the Disney shows I used to watch... and movies of people crying tears of joy during their wedding... not tears of sorrow...
It's when I realized, that real life is something different... It's not all Disney... love and romance... joy and laughter... song and dance...
Sometimes people cry in relationships...
As for that uncle condemning my father for not arranging a marriage for me... maybe his daughter did want to get married... and was happy to have an arranged marriage... so he did right by her.. But what's ok for his daughter, is not ok for me...
I know of many friends who have had an arranged marrriage... A guy found for them by their parents... Their compatibility matched through horoscope or astrological charts...
And they have gone on to have truly happy marriages... In sync with each other... Perfectly matched in matrimony...
So I'm not saying I'm against arranged marriage... It's perfectly acceptable as long as both parties are agreeable with that arrangement...
But that's not me... I don't want to be saddled with a guy... and would never consider marriage... unless I was really in love...
Because it's just not marriage... It's the whole intimacy thing... I can't even change in front of other women even my family... how can I be intimate with a person I don't love...
Sorry.. I have quirks... I can't imagine doing one night stands... To meet a stranger... Someone you barely know and take your clothes off in front of them...
Cause I feel being intimate with someone is an act of trust... I haven't met anyone in real life I would be comfortable being intimate with... Or even just touch....
I'm an awkward person at best... and hug my pillow better than I do people...
Most of the time when people hug me I'll be all awkward...
Like where do my hands go... around the waist... or on the arm... A tap on the shoulder... So yeah awkward...
I admire the amount of guts and courage it takes for actors and actresses to take their clothes off and be intimate with someone on screen...
To touch and kiss someone they don't love or maybe not even like.... It takes a lot of really great acting skills to have that chemistry... to show attraction when there's none... I can't even hug men I don't know well...
Or for models to stand there naked and do poses while someone takes photos of them... I can't even stand naked in front of the mirror...
I wonder what it's like for actors to do intimate scene with others.... With someone they are not in a relationship with... Do they hate it, I wonder?
Or maybe their co-star is lovely and they have a crush on them, and they enjoy it? Like enjoy getting the chance to kiss their crush... their workplace crush...
Maybe they are people out there dreaming of kissing their crush at work...
I haven't had a crush on anyone at the workplace so I can't speak from personal experience but I do wonder what it's like...
To walk to the pantry and not just think of the food you're going to eat... but having the excitement of seeing and talking to a person you are crushing on...
So far for me, I'm just heading there for the water.....
Or do they dread it... Like they go... oh no... today I have to kiss and do intimate scenes with someone at work... (sigh)...
Like don't we all have this problem... Doing things we hate at our jobs... Like I'm more the behind the scenes person... The “people-don't-see-my-face” person... Whcih is why I enjoy working in front of a computer screen...
So I hate it when I'm assigned tasks that
require me standing in front of a crowd... Conducting training...
Giving speeches... Doing PR... Socializing... Any form of talking to
people...
But that's life.... It's our job so we do it... Step out of our comfort zone... So I guess it's the same when you have to kiss or touch someone you are not attracted to... But most actors and actresses are attractive, so it's probably easier...
But for me personally no matter how attractive, I still have no urge to touch a random stranger... even if it's Tyler Hoechlin... No matter how much I dream of him... In real life, it would be “no touching no touching”...
There may be something wrong with me... feeling this way... but I can't change how I feel... It could be self-esteem issues or just plain weirdness... but it is what it is...
Wait... Did
I say all this out loud... You probably think I'm so weird... (shrug)
Update : Anyway... This is why this scene from Season 3 of Superman and Lois made an impression on me...
Clark and Lois being intimate again after her double mastectomy not only made me cry... but I thought it was very well done...
For many women who have gone through this or maybe even feel what Lois has felt during the season... may relate... And their struggles and feelings are certainly more significant...
But there are also people like me... who are insecure about our body especially an aging one... and suffer from low self-esteem when it comes to our looks...
So having the man you love not only NOT make you feel inadequate... but instead make you feel beautiful and desirable.... is a dream and hope many women have...
Or so I would think... I do know it would be my dream if I ever have the urge to be in a relationship...
The only trouble with me is that I don't think men like that exist in the real world... which is just sad... I always have this thought that anyone who sees me naked may throw up... have indigestion... or worse laugh...
For those who are in such a relationship... and have found life partners.... significant others like this... Supportive... Loving... Adoring you for the person you are... I'm happy for you...
It's not like I'm fully against love and romance... I enjoy watching declarations of love by others to each other...
Happy to see my friends and family in a relationship... I like seeing cute kids experiencing bouts of their first crush...
It's nice seeing others in love... I don't feel jealous at all... I'm happy for them..
At the moment, I just don't want it...
I like hugging my pillow... He
It is so warm and cuddly... And has hard abs... It's a contour
pillow...
Cause if I ever do fall in love... it would be the Hallmark kind of love... The type of love, where I would eat anything he cooked for me... Even if it tasted horrible.... Or if it was burnt...
My pledge to a significant other... which at the moment is my TV...
Or was too spicy (which would never be a problem, cause I'm of Indian heritage and in my family... “spicy” is our family's middle name...
And no... when I say spicy it is nothing sexy... unless you count eating food that is so spicy, it can burn your esophagus, sexy)...
Or too sweet... or he used salt instead of sugar, or vinegar instead of lemon... I would still eat it happily.... cause he made it for me...
Then say lovingly, “let's just order in next time, baby, cause I don't want you slaving away in the kitchen”.
So yeah... like the Forest Blakk's song, “If You Love Her” kind of love...
And a man or woman, who feels all the words of the song for that special someone they are in love with...
Who takes all your quirks and peculiarities, the things you hate most about yourself... and turn them into something they love most about you; turning your perceived weaknesses into strengths....
Cause anyone who feels that way about you and treats you in a way that makes you feel special... is a person worth having...
P.S. Although the song was meant to be romantic, but I love that the music video for the Forest Blakk's If You Love Her song, showed a father and his daughter...
Like a father telling the person marrying his daughter to feel and love his daughter in that way... If the song didn't already make me emotional... the music video made me sob so hard I couldn't finish watching the entire video... Nothing affects me more than the love of family...
So yeah... That kind of love, which so far hasn't happened to me yet... and maybe it never will... and that's perfectly ok...
I don't need to be made to feel that there's something wrong with me just because I've never had a boyfriend.... and have never been in love...
I actually like my life as it is... single and all...
Something I've never ever said... growing up... and probably never ever will... and there's nothing wrong with that...
So maybe my life isn't a One Republic song (the song that gets me all choked up when I listen to it... and cry halfway through the video)... where I can say happily... that I did all these great things... that I did it all... that I owned every second...
I mean I would like to do fun stuff... Would love to travel... Go to a beach resort somewhere... listen to the sound of the waves... enjoy the breeze from the ocean... and read my collection of books...
But I don't have the thing people need for traveling; a passport... also money...
Buy hey... so I can't afford to travel... That's ok... I'm perfectly fine just staying at home... I'm never bored... There's Netflix and booze books... Now I have this blog... I know how to fill my time...
So maybe I didn't do anything that great... No traveling around the world... No fame... No fortune... No falling in love... No saving the world from the zombie apocalypse...
but it's a pretty cool life nevertheless...
Sometimes maybe I do wish I had someone who would worry about me... make me coffee when I'm working..
be my ear when I need to do some venting... and to hug me when bad things happen or if someone was mean to me... someone to comfort me, rub my back, and say, “them nasty hobbitses, let's not care what they say”...
But I realize my pillow and bolster have been giving me good hugs and would probably continue to give me good hugs... although I wish they could give me a good foot massage too...
Anyway I guess most guys would just prefer to watch sports, play video games or look at beautiful model's photos on Instagram, and not care about you... while you cry in the corner with your huggy pillow... Or so my friends say....
So far, in all their “significant other” sharing at work, none of them have ever talked about how wonderful their significant other is... so I realize I'm actually not missing out on anything...
Judging by some of their tales, most of the time, I'm actually just grateful I DON'T HAVE a significant other...
Ok back to the horrible things people have said to me...
People have actually come up to my mom at wedding dinners, and said, “When is it going to be your daughter's turn? She's way too old already”...
Excuse me, I'm sitting right here...
Then they try doing the snarky thing by saying things like, “if she eats like that, no man would want her”... “she needs to lose weight, a man wants a wife, not a buffalo”...
These are seriously things people have said to me... Sometimes I salute my palms for having the willpower to not land on someone's face...
Also...
accusing me of being a glutton is rude... I'm what I call a
connoisseur of the culinary world...
First of all, to the aunty who thinks my life is not complete, unless I'm married... did I say I wanted a man?
My life is pretty good... Thank you very much....
People always assume that just because you're single, you're lonely and that something is missing from your life.
Well... Not true in my case... I'm blessed with a great family, who are always there for me... and friends who have become like family...
I'm quite happy with my life and find enjoyment in the simple things in life... Like Netflix, HBO Max and my books...
And so now when people ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
I'm like "yeah"
What's his name...
Sam... (as in Samsung)... He couldn't make it... He's a bit of a square...
Which is actually my mom's joke... She keeps telling people that my husband is so square...
I'm like, "Stop calling my husband square... He's more rectangular"...
My mom has even said to people that when I die, she will bury me with my TV.... since I love him so much... I said yeahhh don't forget the Netflix...
My friends too are fully supportive of this relationship...
Only trouble is they call him Toshiba...
And I'm like, “His name is LG! Grrrrrr”....
I mean that's my attempt at a growl... It probably came out like a mewing of a goat...
So anyway... I don't want them saying, Toshiba... I don't want my washing machine to hear that and get any ideas... Like I'm into him or something...
Cause come on, I'm
faithful to my TV... I'm Mrs. LG.... Lucky Goldstar... Cause anyone with me, is definitely "lucky"... So says the goat...
Like the other day my mom called me to ask the Crime and Investigation Channel on our Cable TV, Astro... She likes to watch all those crime shows... especially See No Evil...
So after giving her the channel
number, I said, “Be good to my husband... He's the
silent type”... Pretty sure she rolled her eyes... cause I could feel
waves of rolling eyes coming from her through the phone... She may or
may not have facepalmed herself...
People don't get my relationship with my TV sometimes...
I like the look on the faces of those elderly aunties when I tell them, "I'm married to my TV"...
They're like... is she joking... did she really do that... marry her TV.... like is that a thing people do nowadays... then they tsk tsk about our morals...
Oh really... I'm immoral???
You going up to a girl and condemning her for the way she looks... or gossiping about a woman not being married... or marrying the wrong guy... or that married woman not having a child yet even if it has been a few years... is fine???
I wish I could do this too... not to hurt them or anything... just scare them...
I also suddenly thought of Tyler Hoechlin and needed to use a gif of his...
It's been some time since I last used a gif featuring him... has already been a few paragraphs... almost near the end of my post... so time for a Tyler gif...
Ok... I'm kidding... I'm no way near the end of my post...
Anyway... Where was I? Ohhh... elderly women and their slashing with words...
I remember one elderly lady coming up to someone very dear to me... and telling her during her father's funeral... “I'm so sad your father died without you giving him grandchildren... He never got to hold a grandchild before he died”...
Yes someone actually said this... during a funeral....
And that person not having kids... wasn't by choice... she had a Gynecology issue and couldn't have children... She was already grieving the loss of her father... and that's what you want to leave her with...
I tell you honestly... If it wasn't for the fact that it's wrong hitting someone... or that I was taught to turn the other cheek... forgive and forget... I would have punched that elderly lady...
Anyway being married to your TV is fun... I never have to worry about him cheating on me... Or if I'm annoying him; because if my blog is any indication, annoying the person I'm with, is probably a given...
Also I kinda like guys who have values that are considered old-fashioned and traditional... A square...
But not too much of a square... who could still watch Game of Thrones and not clutch his cuff-links when he realizes those people on the screen doing the crekunkle... are actually siblings... twins... and frown at me because I made him watch the show... then lecture me about my morals...
That was the worry though when I watched Game of Thrones with my mom... She did get confuse for a moment and say, “Aren't they siblings?” and I worried about being punished by my mom, whose bedtime stories were stories from the Bible and goal in life is to present Jesus' ministry in graphic form for the easy understanding of the kids in Catechism class...
It didn't matter that I'm in my 40s, I still worried about
getting the “No TV for a week and go to bed without supper” punishment like the kids in the nursery rhyme... who lived in a shoe... a punishment I didn't really get when I was young....
Hey I was a good kid... It's only now I've become the grunting, annoying mess that I am...
But luckily my mom just accepted it...
Granted it was the censored version we were watching (other people may complain but I like that my country censors most of the shows we watch... although the uncensored, without clothes version, is available if we want to watch it... which I don't)...
So yeah... I like square guys... but not too much of
one... Like a nice in-between... Not the type who likes to party with
hot women and watch corn...
(I used C instead of P because I'm worried my mom might walk past my PC and see the word with the P and get the wrong impression of me... I prefer her to remain thinking I'm weird... instead of naughty... I don't want coal for Christmas)...
So anyway... Yeah... The type of guy who wouldn't mind watching Little House on the Prairie... instead of watching "corn"...
Like Clark Kent... who is wholesome and a dork, and badass... all rolled into one... who happily plants corn... I don't care if I have to go to a faraway planet to find one...
Which is why I like the way Clark Kent is portrayed on Superman and Lois... especially when he has the face of my celebrity crush.
Cause I'm a little like that myself... Actually I'm worse...
Like I belong in a regency novel, the Georgette Heyer kind that I like to read... I'm boring... Strait-laced... and have very outdated views... It's like I was dropped in the wrong century.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days... A time when being a prude wasn't considered lame... That you're not a loser for having those values...
Another plus would be their fashion... especially as I'm the person, who sees any slits on her clothes and sews them up... with ugly thread and ugly sewing...
Skirts with slits... Sewn
up... A little opening at the top of my blouse to give a glimpse
of.... well... a glimpse of you know what... Nope! Sewn tight... Nothing is going to be seen... No cleavage... No thighs...
So their fully-covered clothes... just my thing... Also I totally dig long dresses that have a little whirl when you twirl...
If I had a time-machine, would probably love to visit that period of time...
I may get a shock or even a fright... and wish to come back to our time... but it sure would be fun...
The shock would probably be due to the lack of indoor plumbing...
Like you read in all those Georgette Heyer's Regency novels that call “indoor plumbing the newfangled thing that's all the rage” which only the rich could afford...
Wait.. Or did I hear that phrase on the Little House on the Prairie series?
Say what you want... but I want that newfangled thing called a bathroom.... A pail of water is not going to be enough for me to bathe...
I need running water... that comes from the top... like the rain shower that has the waterfall effect.... that I recently installed in my house... and now think I'm posh... practically royal... a luxury in my bathroom...
And when my siblings and cousins come for a visit, I excitedly take them to my bathroom to show them the rain shower... Yes... I'm that cheesy... I may or may not have said, "Oh boy Oh boy... Bet you can't wait to shower later!"....
Sometimes I wish I had an internal sensor that could automatically detect when I'm about to act or say something stupid, cheesy or corny... and give me a quick warning to stop me from proceeding...
Another problem with those days of old is their outdated thinking that women belong in the kitchen and should be seen not heard...
Which is why I like Georgette Heyer's Regency books as the women in the books, go against the norm and are not afraid to speak their mind...
Never let a man dictate the way they live their life... and happy to remain single no matter how much society those days may frown upon them...
The way of thinking some women nowadays can learn from...
"You're so old... Not married yet... You're on the shelf", says the dear old aunties...
Me : "Yes.. I'm on the shelf... Gathering dust.. Which is better than being in a marriage... withering and dying"...
Which is what I wish I could have told them... but was afraid of my mom sitting next to me...
So don't worry about single old me... hibernating on my shelf... all you aunties who love going to weddings... and asking the single ladies there... when is it going to be their turn and don't be so picky or choosy...
Like seriously... these are not advice you give young women... To just settle for a guy... because any guy is better than being single...
No... Don't teach them that...
Ask them to be picky... Teach them to choose wisely... Let them be happy building their career or chasing their dreams...
Instead of making them feel that they should be with someone no matter how they may feel about the person...
Because I certainly cannot imagine spending my life with someone I don't love... Someone who doesn't make my heart sing... or beat a little faster... or put a smile on my face when I think of him...
It's not just us women... I guess the same can be said to men too...
You don't need a life partner to be happy... If you find one that makes you happy, is faithful and devoted to you, and loves you unconditionally... then great... Remember to do the same for them...
But if you haven't, then that's ok too... Don't just settle... Don't let the "dense" views of other people keep you from your destiny...
People have told me that there are those who think I'm gay cause of my non-dating status... So I should date random guys I have no feelings for at all... or attracted to at all... so people don't call me gay??? Where's the logic in that...
And why do people react as if it's a bad thing being thought of as gay... We are all God's people and I'm quite sure we are all loved equally... no matter our sexual preference...
Granted there is no one actually waiting in line to date me... The line is pretty empty... Not even a bug crawling on it... Still even if there was, it would take a lot for me to even consider going out with a guy... Cause currently I don't even dream or imagine myself dating anyone I know... I'd rather stay home and eat cheese...
My life may not seem like much to others but I'm actually grateful for the life I have... I'm happy... I'm never bored... at work or at home... Even if I'm alone.. I enjoy my job... I have my books.... my TV... I also now have this blog...
I may need to improve on my writing skills but I realize that I like to write... It fills my time and it's fun... I find it very comforting turning the thoughts and fantasies that go on in my head... into words on this blog...
There are sometimes stuff that are going in my life... some painful.. some stressful... and this blog is my outlet... Not only for my thoughts... but to let me forget all that I'm feeling at that moment...
Everyone hopes to make a difference in the world, whether it's through the work we do or the words we speak....
I may not be an inspiring person... but I hope that my blog does make a difference... maybe to someone having my feelings... or experiencing things like I am... To let them know that they are not alone in this world...
I hope that through my simple prose, though it can be a bit rambling, I can bring a little cheer... even if not a laugh... at least a smile...
Oh well, that's my hope anyway with these blog posts...
For all those people who enjoy tormenting me about my weight...
Do you think it's that easy losing weight?
I'm not like those lucky few... The lucky few with the killer metabolism... The ones who yawn and lose a pound or two.
I exercise as much as I can, you know... and say "NOOOOOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU EVIL CHOCOLATES!" all the time... ok maybe sometimes... ok maybe chocolate is kinda my weakness...
You know what's life's biggest conundrum...
Conundrum... gee.. what am I doing.. writing a thesis for college...
What I meant to say is... life's biggest mystery.
Why can some people eat 3 cheeseburgers, fries, a milkshake and a sundae, and never gain a pound... They can remain slim without a struggle... or any effort on their part...
I, for instance, take one.. ok maybe two fries, and end up putting on 10 pounds.
Heck.. I look at food... nay smell it... and I put on weight....
Boom... 10 pounds.. Here... For you... Free of charge...
That's how great my life is...
I can put on weight by just smiling... Not kidding... Once I smiled at a bowl of meatballs and the calories entered me...
I may or may not have smiled because I was eating it... but that's beside the point...
It's like my metabolism is the Freddy Krueger of metabolism... The Chucky....
As if its mission in life is to make sure I remain fat... While it gives its evil laugh and wears make-up... and says, "why so serious!"...
While some people have the Barney and Friends metabolism, who sings, “I love you... You love me... we're a happy family”... and so they can eat what they want and never gain a pound...
I don't know why my metabolism has this vendetta against me... I've been nice to it... Treated it well... Gave it occasional cheesecakes too... Why does it hate me???
Wait... Maybe it was the cheesecake?
That's my life mostly. Constantly being reminded that I'm fat.
That's another thing about people. I don't get the need for people to constantly tell you that you're fat. I think I know my weight, thank you very much.
"Hey fatty!"
"Have you put on weight!"
"You're fat, you know!"....
I'm fat??? Gee.. Really!!! I didn't know..
Thanks for telling me. Here I was thinking that this thing round my belly was abs...
"You look like a hippo!"
Oh really. Your face looks like a monkey's butt, but I don't tell you that, do I?
Cause I would not want to hurt your feelings.
And I believe everyone is beautiful in his or her own special way.
And all the fat jokes that people love telling you... thinking somehow that being insulted is funny... and that you will find it hilarious and laugh.
Just because I smile, that doesn't mean I'm all cheerful, bright and bubbly... and will enjoy your insulting jokes... And that the insults will just bounce off my thick skin.
What do you take me for... Superman?
Bullets don't bounce off my skin... Neither does insults...
Come to think of it, insults don't bounce off Superman's skin either...
Hey. I'm like Meredith Grey.... I'm not warm and bubbly... I'm dark and twisty... and cloudy... like those dark, heavy-downpour-is-coming, clouds I like so much.
Ok I really am not... I try to act all angsty and all... but I really am not.
I'm more pumpkin pie and crisp apple strudels... which I've never tasted before... but would sure love to...
Then again... I'm not sunshine all the time too... Actually I
don't know what I am... I'm going to leave it at.... I'm...
There's always the assumption that fat people are jolly and cheerful... As commonly depicted in many movies...
What do people take us for? Santa Claus. We may not want to be jolly...
We may sometimes like to brood... and be all dark and grumpy...
Man... Tyler Hoechlin has gotten the act of brooding down to a fine art, hasn't he???
Although, in real life he seems to be all sunshine and puppies... and really cute smiles and giggles...
Note from the Editor : Please keep your ramblings on Tyler Hoechlin to a minimum...
Is this weird??? As I'm the writer and the editor....
So anyway I may not be cheerful all the time... But I do like to make people laugh... Although I would prefer them to laugh WITH me instead of AT me...
My favorite photo or video of Tyler Hoechlin will always be him... hearing something his co-stars or fans have said... then bursting into laughter...
Watching Tyler Hoechlin laugh is sometimes the highlight of my life.
No better joy than to see pure laughter... The all-open, leave it all out there laugh...
For me, the greatest gift is giving someone that uncontrollable laughter...
Whenever I say something which I think is a stupid joke... but my family members or friends laugh and says it's funny... I'm filled with such joy...
There's pleasure not only in being able to make someone laugh with pure enjoyment... but also to be able to laugh with complete abandon...
I know some fans have thirst dreams about Tyler... but mine is always the dream of being able to make him laugh with joy... just like this... if I do meet him... and if I was funny like his family and friends... Some may like his abs and ripped body, I love his goofy smile and happy laughter...
So... Anyway... To those making fun of me in the guise of a joke...
No... I don't like your insulting fat jokes... or your hurtful teasing...
Give me jokes that we can enjoy and laugh together... not jokes in which you get pleasure from laughing at me...
Cause sometimes I laugh not because it's funny... but it's because I can't let you know your words got to me... because it's better than crying...
I just wish that just for once, someone would hug me and say "you are perfect, just the way you are, never change"...
I sound like a sloppy mess, don't I??
I'm sorry....
So in retrospect, maybe I've been a little whiny.
Sometimes I watch all these motivational speeches and I wish I could be the same. Be uplifting. Inspire someone with my deeds or my words.
Some people can even motivate their plants to grow... Some by sweet talking to their plants.... Some by threatening their plants.... Like if you don't grow, I'll come and cut off your little stem... The next day, flowers sprouted... True story....
Witnessed it myself... Hey that lady giving her plants a talking to even made me scared... Imagine how the plants felt... I can't blame them for growing...
Don't glare at me like you don't believe me, Dean Winchester... This actually happened... If the plants could talk... they would tell you themselves... They probably need therapy...
Plant-growing horror aside, I see so many inspiring people, who take tragedies in their life and use it to make something of their lives... To inspire and encourage others to be courageous and strong too even when life deals you the worst.
And I look at myself... whining about things that some may find shallow... when there are others who are going through real hardships and difficulties...
Self-deprecation is my armor, protecting me from being hurt by the things people say to me.
When you've been overweight all your life, and from a very young age, have had people say mean things to you that makes you believe that you are less than what you are, low self-esteem becomes your thing...
The kind of low self-esteem... that when people write good things to me... praising me... I wonder if they are just saying it to be kind... or if they really mean every word...
I know when I write something, I mean them sincerely... That I won't praise unless I mean the words I say or type... but I wonder if others have the same policy...
But putting my feelings into words here, helped a little.
I know my weaknesses. I am a little too sensitive and let myself get hurt easily by the things people say.
I wish I had more strength of character to not let words affect me, and have the confidence to be myself and like the person in the mirror looking back at me.
It's a work in progress, to change the way I view myself, but I am getting on that train, and will see where it takes me.
But in all honesty though, thinking back, I'm not really angry with the things people have said to me....
I don't hate them for it... “Forgive and forget”, was what I was taught. It's a little hard to forget. But I can certainly forgive.
I don't mean to judge them... Perhaps they didn't mean to say those things....
Maybe they didn't mean to be hurtful...
Maybe they were just teasing... Saying those things without realizing how it would make me feel... that their words were hurting
me...
I know that I sometimes have said things, without realizing... then hours later, as I contemplate what I had just said, I realized how it would have sounded and how it could perhaps be hurting to the other person, especially if misconstrued... and I would be so filled with guilt...
And I would agonize over it for days... Cursing my lack of tact and horrible way of communicating... Wishing I could take it back... That I could go back in time and electric shock myself from saying those words... or at least apologize to the person... So who am I to judge those who do the same to me...
Maybe they didn't mean to hurt... Maybe they were doing some reverse psychology stuff, like tear me down so I can rise up, better and stronger... Perhaps they were trying to encourage me to better myself.
I can't really guess their intentions. But I can choose to not let it get to me.
I know I should be proud of who I am... I may be made to believe that I am less than what I am... But another person's opinion doesn't change who I am...
So yes, I'm not changing the world around me... I'm not powerful, or beautiful enough for a selfie on Instagram... but I have a good job, one that fills me with pride... I may not be rich but I earn enough for a comfortable life...
I live a decent life, strong in my faith and dedicated to my job... Devoted to my family and sincere in my friendships... and I've never done anything that I would be ashamed of or guilty about... or anything that undermines my core belief or principles...
I'm happy with my life... and I guess that's something I should never forget...
Sure, Devi... Sure... I don't mean to hate on Slytherin... but anything other than Slytherin... Am I right?
Although.... Although sometimes I wonder if I'm a Parselmouth...
Cause sometimes when I talk... people look at me like I'm speaking Parseltongue... cause they don't seem to understand what I'm saying... Also they stare at me in horror when I say things...
For
those who have had similar experiences as me... people putting you down, saying harsh words, or laughing at you... because of the way you are... sending hugs your
way... Please know we are better than what people think of us....
I hope you've handled things better than I have... and have not let the hurtful things people say to you... get you down... or make you feel the way I've felt.
For those who have done things like this.... teasing someone... their weight... their looks... their dressing... unintentionally or as a joke... please stop... Words are painful... Please be kinder... We are trying our best to love ourselves... Please don't make it harder for us...
For
me, the lesson I take from all of this... is to try my best to make
sure I don't do the same to others... To not make them feel the same
I have felt... To always treat them well and give them kind words... and not put
them down in any way...
Although I know that sometimes I may have said the wrong things... Hurt someone unintentionally... If I have... I can only pray for forgiveness and hope I can learn from it... and do better next time...
P.S.
I hope no one takes offense on some of the things I've written about
being overweight. I'm not hating on anyone, just sharing a little of the things I've gone through. Sorry if I offended anyone.
I discovered these cool sloth gifs by accident. The illustrations are awesome. I find them so relatable. They speak to me. Every single one of them. They're so my life.
The illustrator's story is available here : http://slothilda.com/
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