5) The Tale of Wishing I was a Better Person

The best thing I did of late, is not just taking stock of my faults but coming to the realization that as humans, we're all flawed and that aiming for perfection should never be the goal. So this is the tale of me finally accepting the person I am, to realize that it's ok to be me, and although I should not change the person I am to please others, I could at least try to live a good life through the words of wisdom and example shown by the people who inspire me. 

 This post is in a more serious tone... or as serious as I could be, I guess... It was one of my pensive mood days, that made me contemplate life... and if I'm doing enough for those around me especially my loved ones, and being the best that I could be around them, and not hurt them by my words and action.

Many of us will never know what it's like to go hungry. To look at a piece of bread and hope that it will last. But there are many out there who know what it's like. And it made me ashamed for the trivial things I worry about while there are people struggling just to have a decent meal.

I know what it's like to struggle. And saying this, I'm in no means making light of the real struggle people are going through now especially those suffering from the effects of the pandemic... 

There's nothing I can do to make things better for them... Although I wish I had the means and resources to do so... All I can do is pray every day that things will get better for them... and try to help as much as I'm able to... with the little I can do... 

I didn't come from a rich family. My parents worked hard to provide for us, my siblings and I, and although it wasn't easy, my parents always made sure we had enough, even if my mother, I now realized as an adult, sacrificed, by skipping her meals... 

She wore shoes that were worn out and almost falling apart and clothes that were frayed... yet never thought of buying something new.... because money was scarce and she wanted to keep what she had for us. 

I cannot imagine the love it takes to do that. To say you're full and not hungry, so that the people you love, your children, can eat... To not buy things for yourself, to not see to your comfort and pleasure, because you're thinking of your children.

And my mom has never changed. Even now, she will still willingly give up her meal if she sees there's enough food for only one person...

My parents struggled, worked extra hours and extra jobs, to make sure we had a good education and the best life they could provide for us... They filled our home with books and good meals...  

It could be just a simple dish, nothing too elaborate, but boy were they delicious... 

I never realized, until now, how lucky we were as kids, to have a mom, who could take the little things she had left in the fridge, which sometimes wasn't much, and with her love, creativity and passion, turn them into delicious, hearty meals.   

Many childhood memories such as this...

 

So maybe we never went on trips or had expensive gadgets, which as children, we were perhaps not as understanding.  

I remember all the times as a kid, when I got a little jealous, for not having the things my friends had, without seeing my parents' sacrifice and struggle...

Most importantly, not seeing how others have it worse... To be grateful for the little we have and find joy in the simple pleasures of life... 

I wish I had been a bit more kind and understanding. 

To realize that sometimes it's not just the expensive trips to exotic places that's needed. 

That my mom could make even a trip to the Mall or a meal out, at what was famous at that time, White Castle, fun and exciting. 

She entertained us with stories, and introduced us to the Oldies... Songs, books and shows she grew up with...

I remember her tales of disguise and chivalry as she got us to watch The Scarlet Pimpernel, and introduced us to Elvis, Cliff Richard, Johnny Tillotson, the Everly Brothers, and so many others. 

She got me to love books by introducing me to Georgette Heyer, describing the scenes... as I was young and Regency English was a bit too difficult for the 12-year-old kid that I was back then.... 

But over the years, as my reading comprehension improved, I grew to love those books... appreciating Heyer's unique, witty, humorous play with words...  

So I may have stayed indoors reading all the time and missed out on being active out in the sun.... but being a shy kid due to my obesity and lack of communication skills... the life I had with my books was all I needed to give me a great childhood.  

 

This gif speaks to me on so many levels...

My siblings and I didn't need trips or items of luxury to keep us entertained...

It was sometimes something just as simple as putting our mattresses in the living room to sleep, while we watched late night movies. Our own version of camping... 

A good reminder to me to never forget that it's not the big things that matter... 

The little pleasures in life, that my mom provided for us, like good meals and her tales of adventures, are what matters. 

It may have been hard on my parents to pay the bills and put food on the table, but they gave us a happy childhood with many memories that we will always treasure... We were truly blessed. 

My parents taught us from a young age, through their example, to always do good, be a charitable person, and treat others with respect and kindness. 

From my father, who was involved in charitable work, and committing all his time and effort in improving the lives of those he had pledged to help. Who was willing to go hungry and give the last cent in his wallet just to help someone in need. 

During his funeral, we met countless people who talked about all the things my father had done for them, and my only wish is that my father could have known of all the love and respect people had for him, and the many lives he had touched and changed for the better.  

I wish I could have told him how proud I was of him... and what an inspiration he had been to me... 

 From my mother, who was a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt, teacher and friend to those around her. 

Who has always put others before herself, and whose students still remember and come looking for her, 20 years after she had taught them, just to say hi or to invite her to their children's wedding dinner. 

Like how many people actually think of inviting their former teachers to their wedding or their children's wedding.  

I barely remember my teachers except for those exceptional ones who cared, so for my mother's students to always remember and think of her, is a testament of the type of teacher she was.   

The only way I can repay my parents for all that they have done for us is to try to live by these values that they tried to impart to my siblings and I, and hope I never give them a reason to be disappointed in me. 

When you are gone from this world, the legacy you leave behind is all the good deeds you have done. 

Other than my parents, there are many people who have inspired me to be better. 

One of them is Mother Teresa, who was canonized as Saint Teresa of Calcutta on 4th September 2016, showing us what it's like to lead a life for others by her tireless dedication to helping those who are in most need of our help.

I have unshakeable faith in my Christian belief and try to follow Christ's teaching in all that I do... but to put others before myself, give up the chase of career, and forgo everyday comforts... for a life fully dedicated to God, is not something that is easy to do.

I cannot imagine the courage and the strong faith in God and humanity, it must have taken, for Mother Teresa to leave behind all that she has ever known for a life of service to others.

 

I sometimes get emotional singing “Here I am, Lord”... 

Maybe cause of the guilt I feel pursuing my career... and unlike so many people devoted to the betterment of the human race and their quality of life... I can't proudly say “Here I am, Lord.... I have heard You calling in the night” when He asks, “Whom shall I send?”.... 

Unlike Mother Teresa, and so many others... of various religious backgrounds and beliefs... who have answered the call.... Dedicating their life in service of others.

I know I'm not worthy enough to emulate Mother Teresa's way of life but the least I can do is to try to live by her inspiring words of wisdom. 

 

I have many faults and not really sure if I'm a good daughter, sister or friend. I do want to be... To be the type of person who puts the needs of others first.

I'm not an outgoing person. I'm shy... and social situations, in which I need to make small talk with the people around me (worse if they're strangers), are the things that keep me up at night. 

I admire those who can start or join charitable foundations, that are focused on helping the less fortunate.... To be the type of person, who can go out, hug a person and give them the help they need... 

Even if I can't be, I hope that when there's a need for it, I can help in any small way I can... Cause I realize we don't need big gestures to make a difference, sometimes a small act of kindness is all it takes...  

 

We live in a judgemental world, where our every action, the words we speak, and the way we look and act, even the movies we watch, and songs we listen to, are judged. 

I'm ashamed to admit that I too am guilty of this sometimes.... When I judge a person just because of the things they have said, or the way they have acted... 

"Love others as much as you love yourself" is what I have been taught... To treat others with the same respect, love and kindness as I would like to be treated... To even love those who have been unkind to me...

So I guess, even if I don't agree with their views or their behavior, I should never condemn them... Hard to do when we all have opinions, but I have to realize getting angry is not going to do me any good as everyone is entitled to their own views and action.

Although sometimes people behave in such a way, that it takes everything in you not to judge them... 

This quote has always struck a chord with me... 

I remember an incident that happened recently... A company was organizing a buffet lunch for some visitors... They arrived in 3 buses and were entertained by the event organizers with bountiful food... 

Then the bus drivers came to eat, and were rudely told to leave by the Event Manager, who said the food was not meant for them... That it was not in the event budget to feed the drivers...

It broke me watching that... How could anyone be so cruel as to turn a hungry person away from food... 

They had been driving for 6 hours... hungry and tired... Couldn't the organizers have found an allocation within their budget to feed 3 extra people? Would it have made that much of a huge dent in their profits?

If you really can't feed them, at least turn them away respectfully, apologetically and politely... Not just chase them away as if they were worth less than the others... 

At the end, after all had left, there were so much of leftovers... Food that could have fed those three extra people... 

Yes I know I'm not supposed to judge a person... but I guess the quote above is right... You can learn more about the type of person someone is by the way they treat those whom they consider their inferiors...

I would have respected her more if she had taken the trouble to invite the drivers to join the buffet dinner or at least packing them a meal...

That quote has always taught me to always be respectful to everyone and to treat everyone the same because when you think of it, who are we to say who is our equal and who is inferior... In God's Kingdom, whether here on Earth, or otherwise, we're all equal.   

 

 

Social situations give me nightmares. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover how I feel, about meeting people, being surrounded by them as I struggle in making small talk. 

I respect celebrities who handle themselves well during interviews or Q&A with fans during conventions. To be able to come up with something witty and funny on the spot, without preparation, that itself is a talent.   

So talking may be my weakness, but what I can offer people is a smile.

My teeth may need work, and I don't exactly have the best smile, it's more of a combination of a wince, a twitch and a spasm, but I still smile...

They say, "smile and the world smiles with you".   

I do hope so... Because I sometimes encounter people at work, who act as if smiles are some deadly, life-threatening contagious disease. And that once infected, they may turn into a zombie... that smiles a lot.... like me.  

So they try to avoid contracting this fatal disease called a smile, and avoid it like the plague. 

So I smile at them, they look at me like I'm Jeepers Creepers.... 

Maybe my smile scares them?  

I don't mean to judge them but why don't they want to smile back at me? 

Do I smell? Hey I drench myself with perfume every morning... It's the perfume, isn't it?  

Do they fear me cause they think I'm the Joker in disguise, and going to ask them, "Why so serious?"  

Anyway. No judging. Maybe they don't like me. Maybe they think I'm this insane person, who is always smiling. Maybe they're having a bad day, and don't want to smile. Or their shower didn't work. Or their dog ate their breakfast. Or their cat ate their mouse and now they can't use their PC.   

It could be anything. So I have to remember - no judging. If the least I could do is offer a smile, then that is what I should do... And just hope that the smile helped make their day a little better... 

But most of all to be sincere with that smile... To not smile in front of them and praise them... but tear them down behind their back...

I don't always have a way with words. I sometimes say the wrong things. It may be an attempt at a joke that sadly falls flat, and people may want to slap me... But it's never with any intention to hurt their feelings. I was just trying to be funny... So maybe wit is not one of my strengths.... Perhaps talking is also not one of my strengths.

Another fault of mine that I pray to shake off is that I can be moody at times and get annoyed easily.... There are times when I have said things that were unkind.

When I should have been understanding, but wasn't. When I hurt people especially the people closest to me and those that I care about, like my family. When I never meant to... Cause I know how hurting it is when someone says something mean so I want so badly to NOT be that person. 

For me... I sometimes feel Purgatory could be seeing how your words or action hurt the person you love... The effects my negativity and cruel words or action had on that person... Cause seeing the pain and hurt I caused... would be unbearable for me...

I sometimes wish I could press Rewind. Or Delete and Reset...

To make better what I did... But I can't.... I do feel profound guilt and think about it for days, wishing I could take it back... Wishing I was kinder and more patient. The only thing I can do is try to do better next time.

 

"I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative". 

So some of the things I have written in this blog, may be construed as negative. I can't change the way I am but I can take Mother Teresa's words to heart, and pray that I will always do good, to judge no one, to be kind and always have words of encouragement for all those around me. 

And that I will never unintentionally hurt anyone, either by the things I say and do, or the things I write. 

If I have ever caused offense with the things I have written in this blog, I do apologize.... It was never my intention to cause hurt.

  

I have come to find that great pleasure can be gained from complimenting someone. Whether it's a family member, a friend, or a colleague at work, even celebrities.  

It could be because I noticed they've lost weight (and I know the struggle that it takes to even lose a pound), or wore something nice, got a new haircut, cooked a delicious meal that they were kind enough to share with me, or achieved something and accomplished a goal, or shared with me a painting they have done. 

All it takes is just a few short words. To say "well done" or "you look good", that I hope will make their day a little brighter. A little sweeter. I love the smile I get in return or the way their face lights up with joy when I give them a compliment. 

For me, there's no greater joy than making someone else happy.

I know we're told to be kind, without expecting anything in return... But the thing I expect and hope is that the person is made to feel better... That the act of kindness helps them in some way... 

We will never know the impact our words may have. There's nothing wrong in saying something nice to another person. When there's so much negativity and hate in the world, a kind word goes a long way.  

I've had days that were tough, but a kind word someone said to me, or a praise I received out of the blue, usually brightened my gloomy day. So my hope is that I get to do the same for others.... Brighten their day and make them happy.  

Nothing reveals hate and negativity more than going through the hashtag of a celebrity... whether it's their songs or their acting, or the people they dated... or the things they did or said.

Celebrities may live in a world beyond our reach, but we don't know what's going on in their lives... but we do know that they feel like we feel, and harsh words will surely hurt them, as it hurts us.... 

So they make mistakes, we all do, and being public figures, their mistakes are more apparent... maybe hate isn't the way to deal with their mistakes.   

I once saw my celebrity crush get words of hate tweeted at him, for no apparent reason but just for existing... Just random tweets of hate... 

And I hurt for my celebrity crush... It pained me to see people being mean just for the fun of it... and worried about how these words were affecting him... 

Like how I would feel when someone was mean to the people I care about... like my family... And hoping that the strong support system of family and friends he has in his life... will make the hate a little easier to bear...    

 

This inspiring message, which can be found on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta, was long believed to have been written by Mother Teresa, but it's actually a slightly altered version of the poem written by Dr. Kent M. Keith in 1968 as part of a booklet for student leaders. 

These words resonated with me, and made me realize that there are two choices when faced with criticism and negativity; to let it pull us down or to choose to rise above it. 

There will be people in our life, who may not agree with the way we're living our life, and may try to destroy us and our dreams and aspirations, to break our spirit, put us down, belittle us, treat us unkindly, cheat or hurt us...

Life is tough.. and people can be.... difficult... 

 

A huge part of my life was letting these words get to me.. I still do... a little... But I'm trying to change and not allow people to dictate my life, and tell me what I can or can't do, or that I'm not good enough or beautiful enough... or thin enough...   

"I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not".

I admit I may be a little weird, and may be judged negatively by others, but I can't change who I am... I have to constantly remind myself to remain true to myself and not change the person I am to please others. 

Even this weight loss journey that I've begun, is not to please anyone. I just felt that it's time I got healthy, and to take action instead of whining about my weight all the time. 

As long as we're not harming anyone, we all have the right to live our life the way we want... It doesn't matter if no one believes in us, as long as we believe in ourselves; if we think we're good enough, and have faith in our abilities, we can achieve anything and be anything we want to be. 

Even this blog is just my way of sharing the thoughts in my head and feelings I have... It doesn't matter if no one reads my blog or likes my writing... I'm still going to continue... 

But if the impossible happens, and I was able to reach at least one person and made a difference in their life... made them find something in my writing that they could relate to.... or even just made them smile... all the effort I put into this blog will be worth it.. 

So let us continue giving the best of ourselves to the world, to do good for others and meet the world with kindness and love because at the end of the day, it's between us and our conscious and not what others think of us.