This is the tale of my mom and the things she says... She's wonderful and I love her, and would do anything for her... be there for her... take care of her... donate my kidneys to her (my kidneys would be grateful, cause it keeps complaining that it wants to move and find a better home since the current one is cramping its style)... fight off ghouls and monsters, which is just another word for pesky people who think they have a right to judge us, know what's good for us, and tell us how to live our lives... Man... Never realized I needed to get that pesky people thing off my chest...
1) My Mom; My Unofficial and Unasked For Publicist
My mom, and most people probably feel the same way about their own moms, is the nicest person in the world...
The type of person, who says to me, as we get ready to have our meal, “Have you written a thank you message to the person who delivered this food to us?”
And I go, “No Ma. I don't write thank you to Food Panda for delivering my order to me”.
Which apparently is the wrong answer because I get the frowning Derek Hale, I'm-so-disappointed-in-you-daughter-of-mine look in return...
So to cover, and which is also the truth, I tell her that I said “Thank You” to the delivery person and tipped them... which usually meets with her approval...
Actually my mom didn't really have the above Derek Hale look. Her frowning, angry face isn't really very menacing.... It's like cute bunnies...
I just wanted to look at Tyler's face... Cause I love his brooding Derek Hale look... That is meant to be scary... but you just find it sexy...
What can I say, I have a thing for brooding men... Comes from reading a lot of Georgette Heyer growing up, and enjoying all her sneering Lords, Dukes and Earls... with their witty one-liners... and sarcastic retorts... Come to think of it, every time I see Derek Hale, I think this guy belongs in a Georgette Heyer book...
Anyway... My mom, the poetry writing, bible studies teacher... other than being really sweet... is also seriously badass...
She's like The Rock before he became Dwayne Johnson and started doing comedies and wearing a tutu.
Hey... "Tutu" all you want, Dwayne Johnson... Not judging your fashion style... I still think you rock... Get it... "rock"... It's a pun... on your name.
P.S. Dear Readers of my Blog (which could amount to 0, but hopefully there's at least 1) : Sometimes I write some crazy things in my attempt to write a humorous blog... Please ignore me... I'm a little bit loopy...
Anyway... Dwayne Johnson... You're still one of my favorite brawny guy that I don't have a crush on. And my favorite Fast & Furious franchise person. Ok. Maybe not the most favorite. I also like Paul Walker. And Jason Statham. I watched Hobbs & Shaw 5 times because I like you both.
If it had Tyler Hoechlin in it too, I probably would have hugged my TV.
I mean, I hug my TV now too when a new episode of Superman & Lois airs and I see Clark Kent on the screen.
Yes, you Tyler Hoechlin, of the many million wondrous smiles...
But seeing Dwayne Johnson, Statham and Hoechlin (in his Derek Hale mode) in one movie... Where they fight people, insult each other, and not smile... Man... I would not only hug my TV, I would... Ok... not really sure where I was going with that...
Anyway... I would be excited... The kind of excited that would keep me up for days... The kind of excitement you get when you discover curly fries on the menu.
I would be like drunk... but without booze.... which, if I think about it, is how I am on most days...
Come to think of it, this is exactly my face and reaction when I see Tyler Hoechlin on TV.... or when I see photos and gifs of him on social media... or just generally when I think of him...
So doing that face... suddenly... without reason... or context... can I really blame people for thinking I'm drunk...
hmmmmm... I
wonder what it would be like if I was fully drunk..... It's not like I don't
drink... But I drink two shots of whisky and I get tired and go to bed.
Yeah... I'm doing it again, aren't I?
Rambling on like a fool...
Where was I? Ohhhh my mom...
She sacrificed so much to give us a good life, and it doesn't matter how old we are, or that my younger siblings are married, she still continues to look out for us and worry about us.
She is also a slayer of many jobs... handling any job and any role.
She was and still is a good teacher. She's our handyman. Our plumber. She once painted an entire room all by herself, while I was at work. Moving around the big heavy cupboards, desks, cabinets, and bed, while doing the painting... And you may think. That ain't too bad... Yeah... This painting thing happened last year, when she was 68.
She taught us that it's never too late and that we're never too old to want to achieve things. That as long as we have the willpower, we will have the strength to do anything.
My mom probably got her Xena, Warrior Princess-like ways from her mom, my grandmother... another badass, who has done the real-life "Home Alone" thing by fighting off robbers, trying to break into her house, with hot water and aerosol spray, has wrestled with snakes... even cobras...
“Supergran” was actually the nickname we gave our grandmother once upon a time... Which was a quirky 80s show, that my sister and I used to watch as kids...
My grandmother loved that nickname, happy to live up to it, whenever she could.
hmmmm maybe one day I will write the tale of my grandmother's badass exploits.
Anyway, just like Supergran, my mom, if given the chance, and even without the powers, and we weren't there to nag her to rest more, she would probably renovate our entire house...
My mom's motto is, "rest is for the weak"...
When people tell her, "Have a good rest"... She's like, what is that word you're speaking... R.E.S.T? How do you do this thing called “REST”... Computer can't compute...
She gets annoyed when my siblings and I nag her to rest more... not do anything heavy... climb ladders when we're not around... saying that she would be ok...
Casually forgetting that once, as she was doing some of her usual renovation work around the house, accidentally super-glued her two fingers together...
The other day, my mom had to undergo a slight procedure... A biopsy... We come home from the hospital, and next thing I know, she's getting ready to cook...
I told her, “No, Ma. Go and rest, I can do the cooking today” and she gave me the look that said, “Not only do I have to go through the pain of this procedure, now I have to endure your cooking too?”...
So at the look of horror on her face at the mention of me cooking, I said “I'll order in”...
Then she said, “The doctor didn't say, I can't cook”...
I tell her as kindly as I could, "Ma, she said, 'Rest for a few days' which encompasses all work including cooking"...
I tell you, my mom seriously doesn't know the meaning of REST...
Like if a Terminator was hunting us down, my mom would so be Sarah Connor...
My mom actually is Sarah Connor sometimes at home... Like when I go to the bathroom to take a shower... and see a lizard, bee or cockroach...
I run out screaming... clutching my towel for dear life... and my mom goes to rescue me from that pesky bug... armed with an aerosol can and a pot of hot water... while I barricade myself in my room to protect myself... from the “bug-y” intruder... and leave my almost 70 mom to do the rescuing...
So yeah I'm not some badass woman, who burns the guy who just sold her an army... Cause I don't have any dragons... And if I did, I would probably say the word, “dracarys” and my dragons would just glare at me...
I could not control the 15-year-old kids I used to teach, who sometimes did remind me of dragons, pretty sure I would not be able to control dragons...
The only badass thing I do is play Christmas songs in July...
I know right! But sometimes you have the mood to listen to Hark the Herald in July... So I know the rules say Christmas tunes in December... But I like to break the rules sometimes... It's called being a badass...
Yeah... Ok... I'm not badass... I'm also a terrible daughter... I'm like the worst daughter a person could have...
If your daughter is giving you problems right now... and you feel like throwing something... at her... but you can't do that cause you know... social services... just remember one thing... the one thing to make you feel better... to calm you down... that things could be worse... you could have had ME for a daughter...
My mom is also our traffic police, zealously ensuring not only she, but we too, follow the traffic rules without compromise... Like staying within the speed limit and wearing our seat-belts.
We, her, trying to be cute and funny kids, but she probably calls us bad words in her mind, bad words like "ungrateful", always joke, that she would probably tell on us to the cops if we were ever caught. Probably even dutifully list out all our offenses. “Officer. My son didn't wear his seat-belt just now.”
Yeah. She's the 'more-your-friend-than-mom' cool mom like Lorelai Gilmore, with the jokes and fun, but without the being ok about us doing messed-up things and getting into trouble. The one who tells us when we're wrong but only because she wants us to be the best that we can be.
But the one job I wish she could give up on is being my unasked for PR agent.
Cause everyone knows about my eating patterns, my workout regimen, how I sleep, the celebrity I'm crushing on, my lack of social life... you get the picture...
Like the other day. Family friends were visiting. And their kids; a 13-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy were talking to me.
I guess they felt sorry for me, seeing me being so awkward and out of my element in the company of adults, and decided to keep me company....
Could also be because I was standing next to the table of food, and they wanted the chicken nuggets...
Like I get it... Nuggets are delicious...
Also I'm not exactly the best company in the world... I boringly admit yeah, I'm a boring person...
Even dogs gets bored and walk away...
So anyway, as my young friends munched on their nuggets, they asked me what time I normally sleep...
Wait... Do I look like... I don't know... a zombie or something...
Were they wondering, does this woman ever sleep...
Is that the look that says, "Jeez Crys... It's just a question... Stay cool"...
Anyway, I said, "On weekends, I sometimes sleep at 5 in the morning."
The boy went, "What... Why so late?"
Probably thinking I was doing some cool stuff like saving the world... like Batman.
Or inventing some cool gadget that would change the world.
Ok yeah probably not what they were thinking...
But I could have lied and said I was doing something badass. But I didn't. Cause I'm honest.
And also they wouldn't believe me anyway if I said I was doing something cool.
So I told them the truth... Said I watch movies.
And they asked me what kind of movies I like to watch.
I was trying to come up with a cool answer.
Cause yes. That is my life now; trying to impress a bunch of kids.
And
my mom from across the room, says, “She
watches Superman.”
Hmmmm... Yeahhhh Kara...
Your cousin, Superman Hoechlin is cool and all...
But have you met cousin Miguel? He's kinda hot too...
Hmmm... Sorry... This happens when you have Tyler Hoechlin on the brain all the time.
So where was I? Oh Yeah... Superman...
And the kids go, “Superman? Why???”
Seriously mom! Did they ask you... If I wasn't already that weird woman they were talking to... who looked like she doesn't sleep... Why did you have to go answer for me.
Perhaps, they were thinking it's a kids show. Like I don't know. Barney Plaything or something.
This is what they probably imagined.
This is what I actually watch.
I watch it a lot. A LOT. Like repeatedly. Like I replay all the Clark Kent and Superman scenes. Like all the time. Like I've memorized scenes and dialogues. Like I probably need help at this point.
Also I really like to use the word "like" a lot. Gee. All the things I need help fixing about myself.
Anyway. I can't very well tell those kids that I was watching Superman for Tyler Hoechlin.
Like imagine telling kids, no... it's not Superman
that I'm crazy about, but the actor who plays Superman... Or that the reason I'm now into all things Superman... is because and only because of Tyler Hoechlin.
Cause if I wasn't already that embarrassing aunty, who has a celebrity crush for the first time ever... on a guy, almost 10-years younger than her, at the age when she should be thinking about menopause and retirement...
you know... the age when you need to decide if you need to pee again before you leave the house in case you get the urge when
you're out having dinner with friends... or on your drive there...
My next goal is of course trying to get them interested in the Superman & Lois series...
Yes... I know my priorities, and have serious life-changing goals all the time...
Man... I should stop this insane, non-stop rambling I do every time I write a blog post....
I don't want to think of him...
But I like to think of him....
No! No more... No more thinking of him...
But he's so cute...
Stop it, Crys! Stick to the point! What is wrong with you!
But I have all these thoughts and I think of him all the time...
Doesn't mean you have to bore everyone by blabbering on and on...
I'm sorry... I'm trying to change... Trying to write a blog post without mentioning him...
Well.. Not working!... Try harder...
Ok... I will... Sorry...
Anyway... Back to my mom...
It's not like my mom was doing this on purpose or out of spite. She just likes to talk and entertain people, and loves to share information. I guess it's the teacher in her. Dispensing information without being asked.
When I asked her why why.. why did you have to tell them that... She gives me the look that is perfected by every Indian mother.
The look that says, “Is this what I get for suffering through labor pains and childbirth. Is this how you repay me. Now wipe that pout off your face before your face gets stuck like that”.
Which is also what I was told by my grandmother. That if I pouted, my face would get stuck like that. That's how muscles and tendons work.
And I believed my grandmother cause she was a former nurse and used big words that as a kid I thought were medical terms... Words like dysentery...
Yeahhhh I was a kid who believed everything people told me... Actually... That hasn't changed... even now...
I get punked by my family regularly.... And I fall for it... Every single time....
I'm usually like, "Really?"...
They go, "No! We're kidding. How could you believe that. It's not even physically possible for that to be true."
And I go, "Oh yeah... Didn't think of that."
For Christmas recently, I bought a Manchester United related present for my brother-in-law because he supports the team...
And excitedly showed it to my brother, who said, “Why did you get this... Why didn't you ask me first... That's the old logo”...
And me being me... Fell for that... Luckily my brother took pity on me, and laughingly said, “That's their logo... It has never changed”... And I was like ohhhhh... That red devil!
Anyway... I don't do sports... How would I know their logo history... I just saw the name and ordered it for my brother in law...
But the worst thing... the worst thing ever... was when my brother repeated the same prank to my 18-year-old cousin... Saying, “Look she bought the one with the old logo”.... My cousin laughed... Realizing it was a joke... Gee I feel so much better knowing that an 18-year-old is more knowledgeable than me...
So anyway... I got to thinking. Imagine if I was famous...
Not like I had any ability that would make me famous... I sing and people scream in horror, and dogs howl... I dance and people think I'm having stomach problems.... I cook and people go straight to the doctor after one bite of the food... I smile and people choke.... I say Hi to kids and they run in terror...
Yeah... I know... I'm such a badass...
Wait... Unless you count the ability to
eat 5 thosai in one sitting... Yeah... That I can do... Eating is my talent...
Yes... This is thosai/dosa... It's an Indian Thing... Love my mom's thosai.
Wait... Where was I? Man... Now I'm hungry...
So anyway... Say I was famous... The tabloids would have a field day... Just one interview, and my mom would happily share all my secrets...
Not because she hates me and wants to take revenge on me, for I don't know, maybe telling her, "not everything you get in Whatsapp from your friends is true", "the soup is too watery", "the rice is too soft"... hmmm... I guess she does have a lot of reasons to be irritated with me...
Anyway... Although she has cause to, it's not revenge... It's because she's just happy talking about her children.
The tabloids would probably get a photo of me in my underwear...
Cause my mother would happily give them that photo, telling me, "cause you look so cute in that photo"...
Actually that underwear photo of me is in a frame in our living room with my name next to it so people will know that it's me...
Jeez.... No... Not now!
There are no photos of me topless or in my underwear now as an adult...
And not only because I have a body that could sink the Titanic and I might not only crack the lens of my camera with a naked selfie.... my camera might actually stick out his arms and slap me, for spoiling its eyes with my body.
It's also because I don't take photos in my underwear... I don't even look in the mirror without clothes on... Like no one has seen me naked... Not even my mirror...
My mirror and camera's feelings too, Dean.
I meant naked photo of me as a toddler of course... It's also another Indian thing... Photos of us kids in our diaper... Almost every Indian kid that I know of has a photo of them in their diapers.... proudly displayed on the wall of the living room...
Like couldn't they at least put a shirt on us?
Nope... Diapers and nothing else...
I wonder if this happens in other cultures too?
Wait... Do you think there are naked photos of Tyler Hoechlin in his diaper as a kid?
I just made it weird, didn't I, Tyler?
Sorry...
Ok... Moving on...
2) My Mom; the comedian
My mom also thinks she's a comedian... Like that Carol Burnett lady she likes so much... and keeps telling me you have to watch her... she's so funny... you will fall off your chair laughing.
No thanks mom, I fall out of the chair, all the time...
I could do with less
falling and stumbling... especially when I walk...
Like I'm ready for the catwalk.... NEVER...
Also sometimes chairs break when I sit on it.
Yeahhhh my life is a constant revolving door of embarrassing moments.
So anyway, I was watching OutDaughtered the other day, and saw the workout they were doing on their spin cycle sessions... And I told my mom that I got ideas for my bike workout.
And my mom being the comedian that she thinks she is... turned to me coolly and said, “be careful, with all that twisting and turning, you gonna get stuck and walk crooked”.
Then laughed... At her own joke...
Nice mom... Nice... Hilarious!
The other day, I come out of my room pouting....
Which is generally my expression...
What can I say, I have a pouty face...
Yeahhhh... Tyler Hoechlin pouts... and his fans screencap his face... and write sonnets to him... while dreaming of marrying him...
Ok... Fine... I do it too...
I also perhaps stare at that screencap... hoping you will come to me... in my dreams...
I pout... and people say, wipe that look off your face...
You look like a cat about to give birth...
So anyway. Me coming out of my room... Pouting...
And my mom goes, “Just weighed yourself?”
Wait does my mom think every time I weigh myself, that it'll be a cause for disappointment???
Doesn't really help with my confidence about this weight loss adventure I'm on... Just calling it an “adventure” cause I like to think I'm badass... I'm just big ass, not badass... But still a girl can dream...
Me : Not all the time, Ma... Sometimes I see my weight... and I smile... I even sing and dance... When the weight is really down, like down a lot... I even do a little tap-dance... and skip off the weighing scale...
My mom : Which explains the limping...
This is exactly the.... “attempting Derek Hale's angry menacing stare that Tyler Hoechlin does to perfection”... look I gave my mom.
She laughed.
Recently my mom told me... that since I like doing wall push-ups...
She said put a photo of Tyler Hoechlin on the wall and each time you
bend... you can kiss that photo... it will be like an added incentive to do each push-up...
My reaction exactly, Tyler...
The thought of being kissed by me would even give ME nightmares... let alone another person... Even an enchanted frog that hopes to be human, would say, "no thank you... I would rather remain a frog... call me maybe... never"...
Gee thanks mom... Thanks for your incredible pep talk and pearls of wisdom...
Other people tell their kids, “Life is like a box of chocolates”...
My mom tells me, “Kiss the photo of Tyler Hoechlin on the wall”.
But seriously mom... I'm not that desperate for a kiss... or for Tyler Hoechlin...
Like I won't even pay for a kissing booth even if Tyler is behind that booth...
I don't
even pay to attend any of for a comic-con appearance because:
i) I'm not that cruel and won't have him go through the experience of meeting me cause clumsy old me could seriously injure him or give him indigestion... That's the kind of sacrifice I'm willing to make...
ii) I don't have that kind of money... I mean the money thing is the biggest hindrance.. I ain't selling no kidney to meet him...
Also I have a problem with men, I'm not related to or close with... hug me... even if they are a celebrity... of the crush variety...
So I won't subject my poster to any kiss... cause even if it's a poster... it might still have feelings... and it's still his face...
I don't do kissing... Even if it's an inanimate object.... Like no hugging or kissing... ever...
Which is the rambling I gave my mom...
She had the “Do I need to get this girl some help” look on her face...
3)
My
Mom and her TMIs
So I'm the literal TMI queen... This blog is littered with TMIs that you probably wish you could unread... and that I would keep to myself...
I'm the “OVER” type... I get over-excited over stuff... then over-share... Like I should have this tattooed on my forehead...
Cause I'm like Hagrid but without the beard and cool flying bike... ok.. maybe I have the beard too...
Which is what I say all the time... Together with the, "did I say that out loud".
But I guess I inherited the TMI gene from my mom because my mom and her TMIs put my TMIs to shame...
Like my TMI bows down to her TMI greatness...
Her TMI would Mark Dacascos' Capoeira the heck out of my TMI.
Too much? Ok... Ok... Back to my tale...
Remember when you were young, and your mother censored all the films you watched... And
worst when your mom is an avid book reader like you, she knows what
goes on in books that she deems “adult” books and won't let you read any
of them till you turn 21...
It didn't happen to you?
Well... It certainly happened to me...
And remember the time, when your mom didn't let you join in any adult conversation and refrained from mentioning any x-rated stuff or even saying the S word in front of you... and you wished you were considered adult enough to be a part of those conversations...
Now I WISH I COULD GO BACK to those times.... Cause she now drops the S word like nobody's business... and me being the awkward prude... AKA.. weird girl I am... I wish she would be more reticent... had more restraint... cause I don't want to hear those words from her mouth.. ever...
The reason I'm saying all this is because the other day, my mom was talking to me, and I wasn't really paying attention until I realized what she was saying.
She said, that perhaps since my brother is now married and will probably start a family soon, perhaps she should tell him this.
I'm like... wait... whatttt...
Then she goes on to talk about how her friend told her, before she had my brother, that since she has two daughters, my sister and I, if she wants a son, there are certain steps you can take to ensure you get a son... certain months... and things that you can do... such as...
I went :
Mom.. I'm going to stop you TALKING.... RIGHT.... NOW!
Why would you tell me this.
I know I'm in my 40s. But I don't want to hear horror stuff like this.
I fast-forward all the intimate scenes in movies.
I don't even want to see Tyler Hoechlin, my only celebrity
crush, my only crush like ever, naked... no matter how awesome his
abs are... or how sexy he is...
Up there... his abs... is as far as I want to see...
I studied Biology in school so I know how babies are made but I don't want to think about that right now.
So mom... please... please let me continue to believe that a stork delivered me to you.
Not even a stork... You don't even have to say you bought me from Toys “R” Us... I don't mind you saying, that you picked me up from a drain somewhere... anything.. other than the truth...
Which was exactly my mom's reaction to my drivel.
That's it for Part 1...
I may have complained... pouted... sulked... refused to come out of my room... gave the silent treatment... with some of the things my mom may have said and done, but now as I look back at it, I can laugh... Hence the sharing here in my blog...
(if you're thinking that you're grateful... that I'm not your daughter... you're probably right)... Now go hug your daughter....
Also I realized that when I was young, I may have embarrased her too with the things I have said... Being a kid... and repeating things in front of people... that would be a cause of embarrassment for her.... So I guess I should be more understanding?
Also pretty sure I may be still a cause of embarrassment for her now... with the things I say and do...
I know it may not seem that way by some of the things I write about her... but I do love my mom... And so proud of the person she is... and grateful that God gave her as a mother to my siblings and I...
So anyway... Why Part 1? Cause knowing my mom, there are probably more so I'm keeping it for another day.
Hey, Tony Stark... I've gotten the hang of controlling my word count...
Ok Ok... I get it... It's still pretty long...
What can I say, I'm a wordy person..
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