This is the tale of my weight issues and my sudden realization that I need to do something about it.
So like a member of the Night's Watch, I
pledge my life and honor to my weight loss goals... for this day and
all the days to come because "fat
night gathers"... and now my weight loss journey begins and it
"shall not end until my death".... because writing cheesy
blog posts is apparently becoming my thing... Also I really hope I
don't die now... 'cause there are so many people out there I haven't
annoyed yet...
I share my workout struggles... getting injured while working out... the torture of resisting the temptation of my guilty pleasures; sexy, sinful food, and Tyler Hoechlin... but mostly it's just food, especially those with cheese... I'm like Bruce Wayne about to begin his journey to becoming Batman... or so I would like to imagine.... I really enjoyed Batman Begins...
So if I'm like Batman now.... am I also rich like Bruce Wayne?
Bummer!
or I should say - Bale-er....
Get it? 😀
Editor : If this cheesy start to the blog post is any indication, it's not going to get any better, is it?...
Me : Gee thanks, Editor... Why do you like to pick on me?
Or just plain weird... The crazy girl who lets the theme song to The Office play instead of clicking the "Skip intro" button that has been generously provided for you...
Like I can just imagine my neighbours going, "what the Dunder" hearing that same music every 30 minutes... for like a few hours (especially if it's a Friday night and I'm back home from work... and ready to relax into the weekend by binge-watching shows)...
Editor : Loser category - Social Life: Zero, Nobody’s Hero, Netflix and Chips, Solo Weirdo.
Hey... At least I'm not weird... let's just say special... like Zoey, where I can hear people's innermost thoughts through song like in the Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist series...
Like I would love to have her mutant powers... Not because I want to hear people's thoughts...
Because it's me... Nobody is going to be singing about how they are a sucker for me... or would walk 500 miles for me...
No sexy songs... or happy songs... or I love you songs...
For me, it would be dreary songs about how much they hate me... Like the "wish she would go back to her planet... She's so weird... The "You are so vain, you probably think this song is abou you" kind of songs...
So thank you very much... I don't want to hear your thoughts about me...
What I would have liked though... if I did inherit Zoey's X-Chord mutant powers... is to watch all those people randomly breaking out in song and dance...
And yes, this is my "I maybe am not totally averse to musicals" confession...
See... so much fun...
Anyway.... Back to my rambling tale of my weight loss exploits.
So the other day, I read about my current guilty pleasure's adventurous life...
Like going hiking, surfing, JetSurfing, dirt-bike riding, and doing all these badass stuff.
Man.. How can he look so sexy doing everyday stuff, without make-up, tv lighting and effects.
Wait... Is JetSurfing a word???? I know Jetsurf is like a noun or something... But not really sure if I can add the gerund (-ing) to it...
Who knows... Grammar isn't really my thing... Come to think of it.. Talking isn't either.. or writing.. or anything..
Nothing is my thing.. unless you count eating.. now that I can do... If there was a test in eating.. I would probably ace it!
But.. hey... words get added into the Lexicon everyday.. so it could become a word, one day... I went jetsurfing.. Doesn't that sound so impressive?
Like I'm James Bond.... I went James Bonding....
Also... I feel really cool using the word Lexicon.
And yes. I Googled Lexicon... and gerund.... and pretty sure James Bonding will mean doing something salacious and improper...
So anyway... With my guilty pleasure, Tyler Hoechlin, as my inspiration, I thought to myself, gee, I want to be adventurous too. To be all Batman and stuff.
To be the type of person who is constantly living on the edge....
Who can throw people across the room while whispering, in a tone meant to be menacing but was sexy instead, "So am I"... and telling kids to go back to school...
Nope... Not Batman... Like Derek Hale.
Isn't Tyler Hoechlin so cool and sexy... Sigh...
So yes... Me too want to Hale...
So I set out to do something I'm not comfortable with and makes me quake with fear.
Literally shivers down my spine. And not the good kind of shivers, which are the naughty kind. Like the ones you get from licking chocolate off your fingers.
Nope. This is the bad kind of shivers. The scary kind.
I decided to calculate my BMI.
Cause nothing says terror than calculating your BMI.
Whaaattt!!! Why the disgusted sigh, Tyler?
Hey.... It's scary for me... Me weighing myself... usually when I'm forced to, during medical tests... worst when it's in public... surrounded by people I know... is as scary as whitewalkers...
Because I'm quite sure I would pass out even if I see them from afar... They in all their pale-ness...
Me... Bam!
I mean scary as before Season 8.... Cause from Season 8 onwards, their “scary” attributes somewhat diminished... Like when that wall came down at the end of season 7 of Game of Thrones, I feared for my life...
I mean the life of those on Middle Earth... Wait... What earth was theirs? Westeros! Sorry forgot.. Had to Google..
So anyway... that was scary.. I was like, "oh no... oh no... what are we going to do"...
My mom did watch my reaction... nonchalantly... but hey, a girl's got to react... what a girl's got to react... Yeah, I don't know what this means... I love to come up with weird wordplay...
So anyway... that was scary... I watched in horror... but at the end, it turned out to be not so scary...
They came in all their whitewalker-ness... Growled...
Ok maybe they didn't growl... I was thinking of Derek Hale again...
Anyway... The whitewalkers came...
They watched... They stared...
Then they got stabbed... End of story...
That was fun, noh?
Anyway... Tyler probably gets excited to weigh himself everyday...
His BMI probably sends him love letters... makes googly-eyes at him... and says it wants to make babies with him...
That seems to be kinda Tyler's thing... Getting women pregnant without doing anything himself... Without even meeting them...
Can't begin to tell you the many comments on his fan accounts I have read about fans getting pregnant from looking at him.
Seriously! I see so many comments of “Boom! I'm pregnant!” on anything they post on him, whether it's his photos or his videos.
While I'm at a loss to understand how that's even possible?
I know he's shirtless and all... but how can it be possible... from just a photo or a gif...
I know I'm not smart or anything... But I studied Biology in school... and I remember that's not how it works...
Like I know I'm no expert in this, seriously zero knowledge in this whole baby-making thing people do... but have things really changed in the past 20 years from when I first studied Biology?
Or did I get my Biology lesson wrong?
Ok sorry, Mam... Too much information...
Anyway, who knows how it works... I can't remember much of what I studied in school anyway cause it was like so long ago...
Pretty sure I spent most of my time in school, in a daze... A haze of perpetual boredom.. Waiting to go back home after school so I could get back to my story books...
Actually I'm surprised I got out of school with my life intact... without my parents killing me.... for failing.
But for me. The person who has a fear of parties, and approach any social gatherings, like I'm about to be operated on.. while fully conscious...
Which, trust me, going through surgery with local anesthesia (which means you'll be fully conscious but unable to feel pain.. or actually any sensation), is the definition of scary...
For me. It has to be General Anesthesia. Always.
I don't care if it's dangerous and I could die, if you're going to cut me open and stick things into me, I don't want to be awake. I want to be unconscious.
Probably the reason why I've never wanted a boyfriend. Rule of thumb for me. Sticking things into me. Unconscious.
Sorry, Barney Stinson? TMI is my middle name.
So yes. Checking my BMI is the scariest and most thrilling thing I've done.
If you're categorized under the "normal weight" category, then it's all "I'm walking on sunshine" and you feel like skipping around the house, jumping on your bed, and screaming with joy.
I guess it would be like that. I wouldn't know.
Cause mine didn't say "normal weight". It didn't even say "overweight", which I would have been ok with.
Mine was like a slap me in the face and "you better do something about your weight, b**ch!" kind of diagnosis.
Actually even getting on the scales was a scary prospect. Cause I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I was under the, "don't see it, it doesn't exist" philosophy. Also I didn't want to scare myself to death seeing my weight. Which could happen.
But to calculate my BMI, I needed to check my weight.
So I got all geared up and got on the scales.
Yes. I literally did this.
If my life was a TV show, the X-Files theme music would have probably been playing in the background as I stepped onto the scales.
And Mulder and Scully w0uld probably have come and whisked me off to the Men in Black camp. Where they would have probed me or worse, tortured me by dangling potato chips, chocolates and pizza in front of me and not letting me eat them.
Anyway, nothing like that happened. Which sucks.
Because I would have loved to meet Will Smith.
He makes wearing glasses look good.
Sorry, Simon... I'm irritating and weird, right? I know.. I know..
Fun Fact! Did you know there's a 60s song called Simon Says?
The lyrics were weird though; Simple Simon says this and that... But the melody was catchy.
Imagine if Simon did that on American Idol or America's Got Talent.
Simple Simon Says you're going to Hollywood.. Simple Simon Says you're going home...
Sorry I like the oldies... I have an eclectic taste in music. Some may call it weird... I just ignore them.
The golden oldies... with lyrics that sometimes doesn't make sense... and people get away from singing songs that are sometimes a little creepy like saying “She was 17... you know what I mean”...
Hey excuse me... You're in your late 20s... Don't go looking at 17-year-old girls... A lot of young girl references in these oldies, is slightly disgusting now that I'm old enough to realize...
So anyway... I guess it was that era... when people used to dig songs that sometimes made no sense but the melody was so good... I remember one that consisted mostly of the word lollipop... Someone must have a sweet tooth...
Hmmmm Where was I... The Oldies...
And cake...
Man... That cake Tyler Hoechlin was munching on sure did look delicious...
Editor : Crystal! Focus... No cakes... Weight Loss Journey, remember...
Oh yeah... So the Oldies...
There's one I love... the one with Rosemary, that people say is crazy... who has no money.... clothes are funny... and whose hair is wild and free... but she sure sounds like me....
Although I don't have any magical spell that's gonna make anyone love me endlessly... I'm just crazy... and everybody just wants to get away from me...
Or the song with the tale of romance that began at a bus stop... Just hearing the words, "Bus stop, bus goes, she stays, love grows" or "Someday my name and hers are going to be the same" felt so romantic to me...
The entire song was so beautifully written... So much poetry in the lyrics... Watching their love story unfold... through those carefully crafted lines... it was like watching a rom-com play out in words...
Love under an umbrella, at the bus stop.... So simple yet so sweet...
Then there are the sad ones like Ebony Eyes by the Everly Brothers.
Fun Fact : I had been listening to this song for years... without realizing its meaning... Just enjoying the melody and their crooning voice...
Until recently when my mom asked me to pay attention to the lyrics and I realized what a sad song it was... I just thought it was a guy singing about his girlfriend's eyes...
Again... Sorry...
I guess the "Fun" Fact wasn't so fun...
Although... Not to brag… but I did introduce you to some pretty cool songs and series... You're welcome....
Editor : No one cares.....
Me : (Pout)
Anyway... Back to my BMI tale of horror.
So, I got on the scales.
Took my weight.
Calculated my BMI.
Then choked.
Maybe I was also eating a cheesecake when I was calculating my BMI, hence the choking.
Moral of the Story : Don't eat while calculating your BMI. You could eat afterwards, if your BMI is good. You could also eat if your BMI is bad. Ain't nobody stopping you...
So after looking at my really high BMI, I contemplated getting marooned on a deserted island so I could lose weight.. and come back with this ...
Nooo.. not come back with Oliver Queen... come back with abs...
What do you take me for... I'm not the kind of girl who cheats on her celebrity crush. One at a time for me.
I have many guilty pleasures. Mostly food, occasionally gorgeous men... But only one celebrity crush at a time.
Ok. Sorry, Dean Winchester. I thought it was mind-blowing, life-changing stuff I was saying.
Although Oliver Queen does get props for making being marooned look so good.
Why the grumpy face, Oliver?
You get marooned when your yacht sinks.... and you come back with abs... and martial art skills... although I don't get the affinity for green hoodies.
I get marooned and I would probably annoy the fish... The local inhabitants may want to eat me just to shut me up....
So I really hope they're on a diet and staying away from fatty food with high cholesterol.
Sorry... I ramble on a lot when I'm sad...
Like when contemplating my really high BMI.
Then I realized I put my height wrong... like way way less than my actual height... Yes... I'm that stupidly klutzy.
Don't sneer...
It's hard getting these numbers when my job is mainly a desk job... Staring at the PC the whole day...
Recalculated..
Still high.. Obese still.. but not totally hopeless..
So I thought to myself. Continue to whine about my weight or actually do something about it.
Decided to do something about it... I'm like Rocky now... Cue Rocky music...
Of course I had no one cheering for me.
Unless you count my mother, my unofficial spokesperson, telling everyone that I'm now working out and eating less, trying to lose weight..
And they take a look at me and give me the, "what.. really???" and "what is she exercising; her mouth?" look.
I wish I could eat them. Those people who make fun of me. Would probably learn the true meaning of leaving a bad taste in your mouth.
So anyway, I can't run like that or up those stairs, like Rocky did...
I could try... but pretty sure I would die...
First things first.
So I start my weight loss journey by getting ready my gym and gym equipment.
So by gym, I mean my brother's room, which I hijack since he's married, and working and living in another state.
And by gym equipment, I mean a really old stationary bike.
So I called my brother and the conversation went something like this.
"Bro, can I use your room as my gym?"
He goes... “hmmm.. ok??”
I can already picture the look on his face and thoughts along the lines of, what is my crazy big sister up to now.
Wait.. That was easy. I was sure there would have been at least a little hesitation.. or grumbling.. And I would have had to list out the reasons why I needed his room.
When things are easy, you wonder if there's a catch.... Maybe he's scared of me.. Yeahhhh He's 6 foot tall and looks like a football player, and I'm like 5 feet something..
Yeah.. I don't really know my exact height so I could have calculated my BMI wrong...
Ok... Now I'm depressed again.
Or maybe he's busy at work, and just wanted me to end the call so he didn't have to listen to my annoying chatter... Probably so...
Probably how everyone feels when I talk...
I could get a gym membership but I'm the type of person who gets a party invite and feel like I've just been handed a life sentence...
Literally my reaction when I get invited to a party.
Yes... Yes... I know... I'm like the Grinch...
So working out.. in public.. where people can see me...
I also stole his dumbbells... But stole with his knowledge...
Did the same, “Bro, can I have your dumbbells”... I was feeling like Rocky and the dumbbells looked monstrous.... and I got the same “errr ok” response...
If I did the same “I stole” gambit for food, especially if it's what my mom cooked, I would probably get the Liam Neeson, “I will find you” response...
Anyway...
My weight loss journey is officially on...
I'm taking baby steps... baby steps to reach my weight loss goals.
I said baby steps... not Bigfoot steps....
Wait.. Are you making fun of me?
My workout regime is simple.
I exercise before getting ready for work and after I come home from work.
Nothing too elaborate.
Just me and my stationary bike going on a ride together...
But not the romantic kind of ride where we sigh and make googly eyes at each other as we ride cause I'm a romance-phobe and don't know the makings of being googly.
Or even the kind of ride where we wear clothes made out of curtains and sing Do-Re-Mi.
Nope... Just a normal ride on my stationary bike as I contemplate my existence, and the unfairness of life that it's easier putting on the weight than losing it.
A colleague suggested planking as an easy way to lose weight.
She said it's also a good cardio workout and great for your body.
So I looked it up and saw this.
Like what the dumb-bell.
Who comes up with workout things like this.
Let's put our arms on the floor, hold it steady, let it hurt like bells and call it an exercise. Like Whyy???
I struggle just to get my massive body on the floor and sit... I struggle to get up... To actually do this??
My arms are aching just thinking of it.
And things could happen doing this workout. Arms breaking. Floor cracking. Earthquakes. Heart falling out of your chest.
Nice. Just what I needed to get my mind off that scary torture workout called planking.
When Derek Hale does his workout, it's like rippling muscles... gorgeously brooding... sweaty... sultry...
Like the song, "Shape Of You" should constantly be playing in the background for him...
When you're on full workout mode while listening to songs, a lot of insane things pop into your head.
One is to wonder if Tyler Hoechlin's girlfriends sing “Shape of You” to him. I mean if they don't, they should, don't you think?
Maybe I should find something better to do with my workout time like listening to some motivational TED Talks? I totally agree...
Will I do so? Probably not...
Whattt!!! It's way more fun day-dreaming.... Day-dreaming about you, Tyler...
My colleague asked me the other day at work, “Have you heard of Ted Talks?”
I said, “Yeahhhh my celebrity crush mentioned it in an interview; says he likes listening to it.”
She went, “What do you listen to?”
My reply, "I don't listen to any Ted Talks... I said my celebrity crush likes it... I listen to my celebrity crush... His Ted Talks... Tyler Talks.. I watch his interviews and stuff"...
I think she thinks I'm weird.. Wait am I?
Some people do their workout and they sizzle.
I do my workout, and it's like murder being committed.
It's not just the murder of my muscles and tendons. It actually sounds like there's a massacre going on in my house. Like cats are being strangled. Thanks to the really old stationary bike that I exercise on at home.
It's about 13-years-old so it's like an angsty teen; staying out late, piercing its ears, wearing black all the time, getting the boyfriend the parents hate.
And no, I'm not talking from experience.
I was the goody two shoes, who always stayed at home, never went out to parties, that my parents actually cheered when out of the blue, like once every few years, I said I was going out with friends.
I may be the only teenage girl, whose parents were like, "you're going out... that's wonderful, dear.... have fun.. stay out as long as you want... you need money... no it's ok... take this money... no take it... take it... let us know if you need more".
Yes... I get paid to go out with friends... I only hope that people are not being paid to be my friends.
My stationary bike is my angsty teenage daughter, who constantly tells me "I hate you. You're ruining my life!"
It groans and wheezes more than I do when I work out on it.
Like bones creaking... Probably the sound my bones and muscles are making inside me... kreeuhhhh kreeeukkkk... That's the sound my bike makes... I tell you. Cats being strangled.
It shouts curses at me. And swears at me. It cries and weeps. It makes this funny clunking sound like the wheels are about to fall off. Some of the strings on the wheel have already frayed. It's basically falling apart. The sound it makes can be heard throughout my street.
I'm afraid my neighbors might come with pitchfork and torches and banish me. It's so cool that I'm like the Addams Family now.
I don't get how some actors and actresses can lose weight so easily. For movie roles. Lose weight as they wish. When they want. Like Tyler Hoechlin.
Although I hope his losing weight thing is intentional and it's for a movie.
Yes. Yes. I know. I'm a worrier. I constantly worry for my family. But you know you have it bad when you also worry for your celebrity crush.
And I haven't lost a pound.. But do I give up? Of course not!
I have Tyler
Hoechlin and his sweaty, shirtless torso inspiring me.
One gorgeous guy reading fan mail to another gorgeous guy. What could be better than this.
I eat healthy and maybe not look at my meal, and think this looks like what my brother used to feed his hamster when he was a kid.
When the potato chips call me, and yes they do speak to me. They mostly try to seduce me with their come-hither look. I'm not kidding! Potato chips have a thing for me. They constantly try to put the moves on me. But I'm able to resist them.
The hours spent in the gym. The pain. The sweat. The aches. Just to maintain his amazing physique. While we fans enjoy the fruits of his hard labor.
Every ab and every bicep.
So if he can do it, so can I.
Do I need to mention Tyler Hoechlin in every post?
Apparently I do.. Who would have thought..
Please, don't judge me! I'm already missing my other guilty pleasures...
For the cheesy taste of... of anything actually... anything cheesy.. anything oozing with cheese...
I'm longing for a bite of chocolate...
Man.. Chocolates.. Ohhhh how I miss thee... “Parting is such sweet sorrow”...
Great! I'm now spouting Shakespeare to food..
There really is something wrong with me!
So please let me enjoy my guilty pleasure that is not food...
Great!! Now I'm hungry...
Who knew losing weight could be so hard.
I wish it was easy as gaining weight. With the intense workout I'm doing, there's aches and there's pain. My legs ache. My back aches. There's pain at the side of my thighs.
I think I pulled a muscle...
Gawd.. I don't know what I pulled..
but it hurts like heck..
I walk like the Hunchback of Notre Dame cause it's hard to lift my leg.
I'm dehydrated thanks to the loss of water due to excessive sweating. There are calluses under my feet. My toe is bruised from hitting the edge of the pedal as my feet doesn't fit in the pedal properly.
Also maybe day-dreaming while cycling isn't a good idea because I lose concentration and my feet slips, and I hit the pedal, and it's so painful...
Other people get injuries while doing badass things.
I get workout injuries....
Workout
injuries... Cooking injuries... Being clumsy is a gift that keeps on
giving...
My trainer is Google. So I asked him, “WHAT IS A PROPER WORKOUT!” and got a bunch of gibberish.
Google basically showed me the finger.
But I'm really good at research... I've been given task at work that I had no background or experience in... but I researched the dumbbells out of it and killed it...
Killed the task I mean.... No I'm not a spy or an assassin... I work with words...
So like Merida and her success with arrows... I'm going to kill this losing weight thing too... and make sure I do it without errors...
Even if my writing says otherwise, I'm not that stupid.. clumsy yes... stupid no...
I'm going to research this whole losing weight thing.. and make sure I do it right..
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