14) The tale of irritating the IT guy in my office

When the IT guy in my office starts his "explanation" on what's wrong with my PC using words I don't understand, when all I want him to do is tell me my baby is gonna be ok... I also prattle on a little about MacGyver, the 80s series I used to enjoy as a kid... Not really sure why my computer problem made me suddenly reminisce about the 80s and think of MacGyver... I realize I'm a very strange woman. 

A Note to the IT guy in my Office

Look, I don't mean to be the type of person you wish you could erase with a click of your mouse... but could you please tell me what's wrong with my PC and what I need to do... in a language I can understand... 

and not all that ancient alien stuff you're spewing... Cause I'm listening to you talk and all I hear is "Ancient Astronaut Theorists suggest..." 

Think of me as a 4-year-old learning my ABCs... Cause I didn't get a word you were saying just now... or what I'm supposed to do to solve my PC problem.

Are you speaking Kryptonese? Cause it certainly sounded like that to me. 

I know these are just common, everyday words to you. 

They're NOT for me.

Yes. This is exactly what you look like to me right now with that fast way you were saying your words, using a jargon, only you can understand. 

Hey, you can minion talk me all you want, with your "po-ka" and "la-boda" but the only thing going through my mind is... I want a banana... which would be lovely in some milk shake... that has a dash of rum... Cause that oatmeal I had for lunch didn't really satisfy my gastronomic urges.   

You can stare at me, all you want, Michael Scott, but I'm willing to bet a lot of IT people in your "office" have also filled you with the urgent need for a spiked milkshake.

Yes, Mr. IT Guy? No... my mind isn't wandering... Still paying attention... but still not getting what you're saying...

Whoaaa... So that's how the insides of a computer looks like... And that's why you brought all your gadgets... I was wondering why you needed all those mechanic tools... 

Was kinda worried you were going to use them on me... to you know... tighten those bolts in my head...  

No... I'm not giggling at you... Just randomly giggling at my own stupid joke... I do that all the time... laugh at my own jokes... They are not funny... but they seem to amuse me...

What's that you said? No!!! I don't really have bolts in my head... It was a joke...

I know... I know... The joke wasn't very good... I didn't say I was Wanda Sykes... 

What, Mr. IT Guy? Wanda Sykes??? Oh... She??? She's a comedian... 

I was trying to be a comedian too... 

Why do you have the confused look on your face, Mr. IT Guy? 

The look that says, “Please don't quit your day job”.... which, to be honest, is a look I get often at my every attempt to be funny... 

So you don't watch comedies? You probably watch IT movies, eh?

Like what??? Maybe Swordfish??? I watched it during my university days... 

Haven't seen it? It's an IT film... It was about hacking and stuff... Hugh Jackman was in it... Yeahhh the Wolverine guy...    

He can do such diverse roles, don't you agree? Comedy... Drama... brooding... Did you know he once played a Duke... I love the Victorian era... Especially the big hoop skirts.... One of my favorite authors is Georgette Heyer and her Regency books... 

Man. Hugh Jackman is such a cool actor, isn't he? 

Wait... Hang on... I didn't catch what you were saying, Mr. IT Guy? 

No... Nothing is wrong with me... Why do you keep asking me that...

No... I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret... Why do all men only think of models? Like couldn't men just stick to thinking of sports...

Yeah I do like to talk a lot... 

You don't really consider hacking as IT? 

Well... Ok... I hear you...

What did you say, Mr. IT Guy? 

That you were probably not even born yet when I was doing my degree? 

Wait... How old do you think I am...  

No... I'm not showing you the finger... 

That's my Wolverine impersonation...

12) Benefits of Not Having Anyone to Celebrate Valentine's Day With

#BetterThingsToDoThanFallingInLove  

When it's Valentine's Day and everyone is talking about love and romance... but you're like the Valentine Scrooge... so the only thing on your mind is the box of chocolates in the fridge... that you bought for yourself, although they were expensive, cause you're romantic like that... but you're trying to lose weight, so you can't eat them but you can't stop thinking about them either... so to take your mind of those dang chocolate truffles... and also so you won't be considered a loser, which is easier said than done... you write a tale of how much you dig being single.

 

So Valentine's Day has always been the busiest day for me, because of the endless string of dead dates.

(actually "dead" is more suitable... cause it'll be the night of the living dead if I were to date... mostly cause I would rather look at dead flies than date... and also my date would probably wish he was dead after one date with me)

Then, there are all the bouquet of flowers from guys asking me to be their Valentine. 

 

Yes, Derek Hale, I'm kidding!

Gee... When even a gif doesn't believe you.

So maybe the only flowers I've received are from people I share almost similar DNA with and could maybe receive a kidney from; my family, the people who are forced genetically inclined to like me.

But hey, flowers are still flowers, no matter who sends them. 

And the only males visiting me on Valentine's day are the stray cats in my neighborhood. And even then, they're not looking for me; their thoughts and eyes, are on the sexy female cat living next-door. #WhenYouCantEvenWinAgainstAcat.

And no... "cat" is not a euphemism for something else. When I say cat, I really mean cat. Of the genus Felis. The Felis Catus... Nope... Not a bad word.... It's the scientific name for cat.

Wait... Are you making fun of me, Damon Salvatore? 

 

Hey, I know stuff... Smart people stuff... I watch documentaries... and the History channel... Do their explanations take a moment to process... and sometimes believe? Perhaps... 

Like I'm smart.

But I could be smarter. 

The kind of smart, where I need to use Google to excitedly and correctly answer all the riddles shared in my family and extended family's group chat... 

Hey... It's not cheating... It's called being innovative...

Wait... Is that a skeptical look, Tyler???  

The “I don't think so but if you say so” look...  

Hey... Sure... I can take that look... 

Better than the “I wish you would stop talking” look...

 

And perhaps watching Columbo* makes me a little miserable... cause as much as I try, I'm never able to guess how Columbo is going to prove the crime and nail the killer.

*It's a 60s series that my mom made me watch because she said it's really good... and I grumbled and complained but gave in to watching it... because saying "no" to my mom is something I can never do... Then much to my chagrin, found the show to be really good... I even cheer when he gives his “Just One More Thing” as he delivers the final parting shot to the killer... Man... I guess there's some truth in the saying, “Your mom is always right.”

Also some of the jokes on Young Sheldon may need repeated listening for me to fully understand them...    

Then there are all the x-rated jokes on series like How I Met Your Mother, where I don't get the jokes at all. Like I have to Google it and still don't get the joke.... 

So maybe I'm a bit of a prude... and sometimes my brain falls asleep... It has low stamina. 

 

Why Hermione? I'm not being a bore, am I?

 

Et tu, Tyler Hoechlin?

Not the reaction you would hope for, as you begin your blog post... but anyway... back to the strays... 

The strays going for the cat that lives next door. Doesn't that always happen. The hot guy falling for the girl who lives next-door to you, or your room-mate, because she's way hotter than you. 

Wait... When I say “hot guy”, I meant men. Homo sapiens. Not cats. I don't think cats are hot... Look... I'm weird but not that weird... 

A random thought : If Tyler Hoechlin met me, he would probably think there's something wrong with me, wouldn't he? Gawd... I must stop this thing I do of thinking of him and mentioning his name each time I write a blog post. 

So anyway, the hot guy you like, falling for your next-door neighbor or your room-mate. That happens, doesn't it?  

Hey... I heard it from Ted when he told us how he met our mother... 

Yeahhh That came out wrong...  I meant, when he told his kids, how he met their mother... A series that would have been more aptly titled, "How I dated a bunch of women"...

Imagine how horrible it must be listening to your dad's crazy dating shenanigans...

Which to me , would probably be like eating bean sprouts, which I hate. They look like worms. Taste like one too?

Am I weird that I don't want to hear courtship tales of my parents...  My mom talks a little about her and my dad, and their “courtship”, and I'm like, "Somebody. PLEASE. COME AND TAKE ME AWAYYYY from here... right now... PLEASE!!"

Or I run to my room the moment she starts. 

Yes. Yes. I know. I'm like a 5-year-old. Sorry.

But I don't want to hear intimate romance stuff from my family members or friends. I still can't bring myself to watch the uncensored version of Game of Thrones... I watch the censored version of the show, where there are dragons, icy creatures, wolves and Jon Snow but no scenes that involves people doing stuff without their clothes on that makes me hug my pillow in terror.     

Haven't really experienced the guy falling for my room-mate thing though. Mostly cause I don't date... or have crushes on guys... 

Also, I live with my mom. And not in that, I-can't-afford-my-own-place, kind of way, but more of a, I-Love-My-Mom-And-She-Doesn't-Like-Living-Alone, kind of way. 

But then again, the hot guy falling for my mom could actually happen, mostly cause people generally assume she's my sister... And she's also way more popular than me... 

Pretty sure my friends and colleagues like my mom more than they like me... 

One colleague even calls my mom her best friend... My mom... Not me... My mom... And we've worked together for more than 10 years...  

And do I mind??? Not at all... I like my mom too...

Yeahhhh... I'm like the mold on a stale bread when compared to any member of my family... 

 

When even your celebrity crush agrees...

 

My parents are loved by many... So are my siblings... They're like the “Raymond”.... My brother and sister.... Everybody likes them... Smart, funny, the life of the party... 

I'm like the older brother in Everybody Likes Raymond... who tries his best... but it doesn't seem to be enough...  

With my siblings is full-on laughter... But with me is just awkward, polite giggles... It's like they laugh cause they feel sorry for me...

 

My thoughts exactly, Robert... My thoughts exactly...

 

Oh well... I'm not jealous though... I'm proud to be related to them... and excitedly share all their achievements with my friends and colleagues... 

I told my young cousin that I would never introduce her to Tyler Hoechlin because my cousin's so pretty, sweet and kind... What if he ends up liking her... 

It would kill me each time I see them together, and I can't even wish bad things on them cause I love my cousin... 

But it will hurt... Like I would cry myself to sleep every night... I'm actually already depressed just writing about it.

 

Sorry, Joey Lawrence. Got a little lost in this imaginary nightmare of mine...  

The nightmare of seeing Tyler Hoechlin with another woman, cause the cells in my heart dies a little each time that happens...

Better to stop thinking of that and think of the chocolate truffles, waiting for me in the fridge... 

That I bought for myself... for Valentine's Day... 

It was expensive... 

I'm romantic like that... 

3) I'm not Single, I’m just Romantically Challenged

Sharing my thoughts on the movie, Never Been Kissed, and the TV series Alias... in my usual rambling, I-wish-she-would-stick-to-the-point, what-is-wrong-with-her, way... 

I go on and on about those two movies and other movies I've watched, from Little House on the Prairie, to Life is Beautiful, to Columbo, and 12 Angry Men, to Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, in a strictly you-call-that-a-review-it's-all-over-the-place way.... 

There's also some embarrassing prose about my celebrity crush, Tyler Hoechlin... And my nobody-asked-her-or cares-but-she-wants-to-share-anyway TMI confession... about being romantically challenged...

Hey, if Josie Geller can make a confession like that. So can I... 

Of course, she gets a kiss from a gorgeous guy at the end of her confession... Me??? All the action my mouth wants is sinking my teeth into a delicious chocolate truffle... preferably spiked with rum...

Probably not a smart move talking about chocolates spiked with rum in front of Mr. Goody Two Shoes, Clark Kent... 

I wish there were more men like Clark Kent.... Or John-Boy Walton...

I like goody two shoes men... but most men nowadays seem to be goody half shoe... sometimes no shoes at all...

Cause I'm into the Clark Kent kind of guys - the ones who gush, are sweet, dorky... and shy... 

Not the Bruce Wayne types, who changes women like I change toothbrushes... which is usually every few weeks... because I wear out the bristles pretty quickly... My teeth are Wolverine wanabees... 

 

What it feels like for my toothbrush bristles... when my teeth get to them...  

Anyway... When you're someone like me, who can resist many things... but not when it's covered in chocolate... 

And you discover alcoholic chocolates for the first time... that your siblings were nice enough to buy for you... it's when you realize why Forrest Gump said life was like a box of chocolates... delicious and sinful!

Oh yes, Elsa and Anna... I hear you...

You know you're of a different kind of... let's just call it... the “limited edition” species... when you wish you can high 5 characters from an animated movie, for their love of chocolates... 

Actually when you wish you could eat their chocolates... Those chocolate eclairs in the movie, although in drawing form, sure did look good...  

Tummy approved...

 

 So sexy...

I do have a tendency to watch animated movies... and since I don't have any children to use as an excuse for watching them.... I have to watch these animated movies in the privacy of my home... 

Because after all, why else would you have kids? You need the kids as a buffer... Other than using them for your own viral video... 

Like it doesn't matter if they are dying.. or in pain... A parent's first thought used to be “I NEED TO SAVE MY KIDS... OH POOR BABY... STOP CRYING”... 

Nowadays, it's just “Where's my phone!”....

Sorry kids... I guess it's tough being a kid in the 21st century.... 

They already have to suffer through 21st-century parents putting fancy names for them.... 

It used to be simple ones like Tyler... Now the names are just plain weird, hard to pronounce or remember.... 

Like naming kids Cabinet... Cabinet Smith...

Sorry, Cabi... I feel you, bud.

Anyway, animated movies... Love their cute, funny characters... especially the kids...

If I could I would so adopt Agnes.... 

I don't care if she's animated... 

I don't discriminate...

Hmmmm... Now that I think of it... 

Maybe "adopt" is too strong a word... 

 

I do have a tendency to get overly attached to the films I watch... 

I screamed at my tv, “yes pick her pick her” when Meredith Grey gave her “pick me, choose me, love me” speech... Maybe I even cried a little... 

My heart melted (the fact that it was Tyler Hoechlin saying those words made it even more melting-worthy) when Clark Kent said the lines, “There was no going back after the first time I saw her”... which was how I felt the first time I ate a creamy potato salad. 

Like I wish I had one of those thingamajig... what do you call them... yeah... boyfriends... so I could give romantic tv character speeches to... 

But then again, I'm not really the type of woman who would beg a guy to love her so... yeah... maybe not the Meredith Grey speech...

But I did once tell the bowl of ice-cream I was eating, “Nothing truly ever made sense until you came into my life”...  It was a rough day, I was feeling mushy...  

Another time, I came home from work... and saw my mom had cooked spinach curry, my favorite,  with green peas, also my favorite.... in that special way she does it... 

And it had been months since she cooked it last... and I almost lost it... I hugged the pot of curry and cried...

I think I said, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of you spinach, asking you to love me... or at least to taste as good as I remember you"...

 

Luckily my mom didn't say this to me... or maybe she did... internally... but hey... as long as it wasn't said out loud...... I guess she's used to the crazy things I do... 

I mean she has caught me saying, “You complete me” as I gazed lovingly at the slice of pizza I was eating... 

Slowly and softly to make it sound more sexy... like you see all those seductive women doing on tv...

I didn't look sexy... 

I looked like "Donkey" from Shrek...  

I did make the mistake of doing the sexy voice thing to my food... in front of my mom, who asked me, “why are you talking in that voice.... are you sick?”... 

Glad to know that my sexy romantic voice is the same as someone being sick...

Maybe I should date an animal too... like say a werewolf... the Derek Hale version...     

 

Not liking the idea, eh Derek?

 

This is also my mom's general reaction around me... 

I guess when you have a "unique" daughter like me... the Derek Hale exasperated expression tends to come naturally...

But I'm not a total loser... I don't always say words of endearment to food... 

I occasionally say it to my dumbbells... Which is not weird at all... It's not like I call them my honey iron bunny... That could be considered weird... I'm not the cooing honey bunny kind of person anyway...

Although when I go on holiday or if my family visits, and I can't do my workouts for a while... when I'm able to come back to my workouts again, I say “I've missed you” to my dumbbells... Wait, is that weird?

 

Looking at those biceps, Tyler, you probably understand loving your dumbbells too, don't you?

 

So I guess nothing surprises my mom anymore when it comes to me... Why do you think she's trying to sell me on eBay... 

I mean... she would if she knew how to use eBay... 

Cause I'm the one who usually does all her online things... like updating stuff to her social media accounts...

I mean she can ask me, "Can you upload the photos of these cute kids and their Catechism work to Facebook"... which she usually does... but she can't exactly say, "Can you find me a new daughter online... a higher grade one... and see if it could be exchanged with you"... 

Cause that would be tacky...

Really nobody cares? I thought my life is a constant source of entertainment... 

Who am I kidding... Even I get bored when I start talking...

I'm rambling, aren't I? I'm sorry... 

Those rum chocolate bars sure did taste good...

 Which is how I feel right now...

Oh man... when you start a blog post with the resemblance of a drunken babble...  

So anyway... Back to my review of the movie, Never Been Kissed...

 

 

I watched the movie "Never Been Kissed" the other day... 

And you realize nothing makes you feel old than finding out a movie you watched... which had seemed like just a while ago... is now 20-years-old... which also makes you 20 years older...

Gasp... 😬

I kid...  I'm actually fine being older... Grey hair... Wrinkles... Looking old ... People saying my mom is my sister.... Calling me aunty... 

It's all FINE! 

Ok maybe not the calling me aunty part... 

 

I get the "look older than my age" a lot too... but hey, I'm fine! 

 

So anyway other than my total aversion to people calling me “aunty” (I've boycotted shops and refused to go back when they do that)... I actually have no issues with getting older and all the trappings that come with it... I don't do botox or lifts... Or wear cream... 

I dye my hair cause my sister and sister-in-law ask me to.... And I say yes because I'm scared of I love them...

So anyway, was feeling nostalgic... so I watched the movie...

 

I also craved pie watching the movie... 

 

You know how when you're in school... and your much older cousins, who were like in their 20s, tell you,  

“You say you hate school now... but just you wait... once you finish school and start working like us... you're gonna miss your school days”....

Hmmmm I'm sorry to disappoint them... but NOPE... I don't miss school at all...

I love working... I don't ever want to go back to school... 

Which is why I would never tell a kid that they will miss their school days... I'm all like, "You hate school? I feel you... Hang in there, my school-ies"...

I see young kids, going to school with such a miserable, forlorn look on their face... and I get it... 

Like seriously... Sitting in the hot, stuffy classroom... listening to teachers droning on about medulla oblongata... while you think of oblong burgers....

Yeah... School... Sorry... No hard feelings... But honestly.. I don't miss you at all...

But then again... forget my school days... the present isn't so good either 😩 but that's just venting for another day. No energy for the weary contemplation of my life today. 

Ok... I kid... My life isn't that awful... I just like to act like I'm some brooding gal... Probably due to recently discovering my old collection of Simple Plan songs... so I'm on full angsty why-does-everything-happen-to-me mode... 

Anyway, I came to the realization that I'm Josie Geller, but not in a cute, "I can have the gorgeous Michael Vartan falling in love with me" kind of way, but more in a 'scare-the-children' kind of way.

I'm dead serious. I scare kids... They literally stare at me like they've just seen a sexy (I wish)... scary troll... Their eyes following my every move as they stare at me in complete, and utter fear. 

Some take the 'Harry Potter and Troll' route and run away screaming as if I had just said "me hungry, we wanna eat you". 

Sigh... Why, kids, why?? No. Don't run away. 

Aunty good. Aunty looks like Shrek but Aunty won't eat you. 

Unless you are a potato, which Aunty likes... very much.  

Yeah kid... I know I know... I'm a little weird... I even scare myself sometimes.