14) The tale of irritating the IT guy in my office

When the IT guy in my office starts his "explanation" on what's wrong with my PC using words I don't understand, when all I want him to do is tell me my baby is gonna be ok... I also prattle on a little about MacGyver, the 80s series I used to enjoy as a kid... Not really sure why my computer problem made me suddenly reminisce about the 80s and think of MacGyver... I realize I'm a very strange woman. 

A Note to the IT guy in my Office

Look, I don't mean to be the type of person you wish you could erase with a click of your mouse... but could you please tell me what's wrong with my PC and what I need to do... in a language I can understand... 

and not all that ancient alien stuff you're spewing... Cause I'm listening to you talk and all I hear is "Ancient Astronaut Theorists suggest..." 

Think of me as a 4-year-old learning my ABCs... Cause I didn't get a word you were saying just now... or what I'm supposed to do to solve my PC problem.

Are you speaking Kryptonese? Cause it certainly sounded like that to me. 

I know these are just common, everyday words to you. 

They're NOT for me.

Yes. This is exactly what you look like to me right now with that fast way you were saying your words, using a jargon, only you can understand. 

Hey, you can minion talk me all you want, with your "po-ka" and "la-boda" but the only thing going through my mind is... I want a banana... which would be lovely in some milk shake... that has a dash of rum... Cause that oatmeal I had for lunch didn't really satisfy my gastronomic urges.   

You can stare at me, all you want, Michael Scott, but I'm willing to bet a lot of IT people in your "office" have also filled you with the urgent need for a spiked milkshake.

Yes, Mr. IT Guy? No... my mind isn't wandering... Still paying attention... but still not getting what you're saying...

Whoaaa... So that's how the insides of a computer looks like... And that's why you brought all your gadgets... I was wondering why you needed all those mechanic tools... 

Was kinda worried you were going to use them on me... to you know... tighten those bolts in my head...  

No... I'm not giggling at you... Just randomly giggling at my own stupid joke... I do that all the time... laugh at my own jokes... They are not funny... but they seem to amuse me...

What's that you said? No!!! I don't really have bolts in my head... It was a joke...

I know... I know... The joke wasn't very good... I didn't say I was Wanda Sykes... 

What, Mr. IT Guy? Wanda Sykes??? Oh... She??? She's a comedian... 

I was trying to be a comedian too... 

Why do you have the confused look on your face, Mr. IT Guy? 

The look that says, “Please don't quit your day job”.... which, to be honest, is a look I get often at my every attempt to be funny... 

So you don't watch comedies? You probably watch IT movies, eh?

Like what??? Maybe Swordfish??? I watched it during my university days... 

Haven't seen it? It's an IT film... It was about hacking and stuff... Hugh Jackman was in it... Yeahhh the Wolverine guy...    

He can do such diverse roles, don't you agree? Comedy... Drama... brooding... Did you know he once played a Duke... I love the Victorian era... Especially the big hoop skirts.... One of my favorite authors is Georgette Heyer and her Regency books... 

Man. Hugh Jackman is such a cool actor, isn't he? 

Wait... Hang on... I didn't catch what you were saying, Mr. IT Guy? 

No... Nothing is wrong with me... Why do you keep asking me that...

No... I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret... Why do all men only think of models? Like couldn't men just stick to thinking of sports...

Yeah I do like to talk a lot... 

You don't really consider hacking as IT? 

Well... Ok... I hear you...

What did you say, Mr. IT Guy? 

That you were probably not even born yet when I was doing my degree? 

Wait... How old do you think I am...  

No... I'm not showing you the finger... 

That's my Wolverine impersonation...

6) Ghastly Greetings; My Rambling Halloween Tale

This is my rambling Halloween tale, where I prattle on about my complicated relationship with chocolates... and about kids being scared of me cause they think I'm a scary Halloween character... and maybe I am cause who knows what I look like nowadays; I have a feud with my mirror... I also ramble on quite a bit about Tyler Hoechlin, Game of Thrones, and passionately defend Derek Hale and his growling ways... Not really sure why I talk about them in a Halloween post... Something to do with wolves... werewolves... abs... yeahhhhh I don't really know... I ramble on and go off topic quite a lot in this post... Sugar high... Also, I may be a little weird... #whenUeat2muchChocolate

  

 "Every day is Halloween, isn't it? 

For some of us"

~ Tim Burton

Halloween is not really a big deal here in my Asian country... 

We don't have any Halloween parties... or "Trick or Treat"... or dressing up in costumes... I mean we do have parties where people dress up... but we call it fancy dress parties...

A few years ago, my company's annual dinner's theme was a Halloween like party... We had princes, princesses and witches... 

I wasn't trying to be anything... I just wore a long dress... Which I thought would be enough...

But apparently no... Because my sister, makes the trip back home so she could “get me ready” for the dinner which translates to "forcing me to wear make-up"... 

So being scared of my younger sister... I reluctantly sat... occasionally pouting... as my sister put all kinds of things on my face... and made me wear jewellery and stuff... 

While my younger brother also came down to support me, whistling and telling me that I looked good... 

He lied... I looked like an orc... An orc with make-up...  

And when I went to the annual dinner, 

in my sister's attempt to turn me into a princess,

and my brother's attempt to convince me that I looked like a princess,

my colleagues thought I was aiming for "clown in a dress"... 

 

 My reaction too when no one thought I looked good...

Hmmm... Maybe I should have gone as an orc instead... 

Oh well, when orcs try to play dress-up... 

I guess I don't just look like ONE scary monster... but like multiple scary monsters all rolled into one...  

I'm like an ogre on a see-the-dentist day... 

Like my entire family... Parents.. Siblings... are great.... I'm like the weed among a family of roses... The one with faulty genes... The rotten potato...

A zombie... And not the cute warm bodies kind... but the ugly Harry Potter Troll kind... especially when I'm hungry... or exhausted...

Sometimes I wonder if I had a sorting hat for life... would I even make it into Hufflepuff... I ain't no Neville, whose courage earned him a spot in Gryffindor...

When you attempt to look like Anna from Frozen... but end up being Annabelle instead... 

Ok Ok.... Sorry....  Don't mean to hate on orcs... or my looks... Or Annabelle...

I actually don't mind my looks but grateful to be blessed with a family, who have always been there for me... 

During the good times and the bad, I can always count on them...

Ok my Toretto moment over.... 

Back to Halloween...

So no Halloween parties or Trick or Treat, but we do have our fair share of spooky tales... 

Recently I read this story... of a few towns here in Malaysia, being terrorized by knocks on the door... in the dead of the night... 

Really loud knocks... yet nothing visible showing up on the CCTV.... 

Creepy much! Just typing about it here is already making my hairs stand on end... 

Sorry Casper, I don't think the thing-that-knocks wants to be your friend...

 

We don't have friendly neighbourhood ghosts like Casper... but we do have unique scary creatures like the toyol and orang minyak... 

Literal translation is oil man – naked man, covered in oil, who practices some kind of black magic and goes after virgins for strength, power or something... 

I don't really know the whys... I heard that they go after virgins and I fainted... 

Which is why when there's a case of orang minyak in the kampung (rural town), the young, unmarried women of the household won't be allowed out alone especially at night...

Sometimes I wonder if these old wives' tales were to encourage women in the days of old... a time when a woman being single was considered a crime... to get married quickly...

I'm sorry, old wives... 

Man of oil, or not... I ain't getting married... 

 

Although my colleague does insist these are not just myths... 

That she once experienced being terrorized by an orang minyak in her village town... 

That they would find footsteps of black oil appearing but no visible figure... and it took a band of 20, 30 men to finally catch the orang minyak... after weeks of hunting him down... 

 

Everyone was engrossed in her tale of the daring capture... but all I could think of was the Winchesters... For me, this is how the hunting of that orang minyak went: a punch or two... the Impala... a bit of magic from Jack and Cas... wisecracks from Dean... and an exasperated eye-roll from Sam... and the minyak man no more... gone for good... Winchester-fyed...  

 

Other than the orang minyak, we also have Pontianak (our equivalent of vampires)...

Pocongs (our equivalent of zombies)... I think... Man.. I don't know... My spooky knowledge is kinda low...

Recently I found out about the penangal... It's a nocturnal creature.... a vampire-like entity.... that takes the form of a floating disembodied woman's head...

Excuse me the Western World, you can try to sleepy hollow me with your headless horseman... But ours, is way more thrilling... 

Yours was just a man and a horse... 

Ours is not just the floating head... but its organs and entrails trailing from its neck... 

"Do your feel scared yet? Well, do ya, punk?"... 

Be afraid... Be very afraid... 

When seen from afar... (and I have seen those videos that I wish I didn’t because now I get scared by any light)... it usually twinkles... and not like the little star in the sky... that is cute and puts kids to sleep because they are wondering “who you are”, O' Twinkle Star... 

This twinkle is like a ball of flame... (and no... not great balls of fire... there's no Jerry Lewis involved)... and is similar to the will-o'-the-wisp phenomenon....

It is believed that this creature is actually a living woman by day... and with the use of black magic for various reasons, whether beauty, money or fame... detaches her head and organs from her body... and her entrails trail behind her as she flies through the air searching for blood.... 

They normally feed on rats... or for those more dubious, the blood of pregnant women and infants... 

If being beautiful means removing your head and feeding on rodents... I would happily remain ugly...

Maybe one day I'll write about the supernatural tales from our Malaysian shores... 

 

He seems excited...

Another aspect of Halloween that I would have loved are the sweet treats... Especially chocolate... 

Cause I'm like the crazy person who thinks chocolates and I are in a committed relationship... 

The "I don't care who you are... where you're from... what you did... as long as you love me" kind of love...

 

Hopefully not the Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey heartbreaking kind of love... that they thought giving us a beach scene would make up for robbing us of MerDer forever... 

Like shame on you, Grey's Anatomy... How do you expect a person to go on without the love of their life...  

P.S. Update: I guess Nick is pretty cool too... 

 

Sorry Derek... 

 

I do like the happy ending kind of love... The Rick Astley kind of love... where they live on together forever and never to part in fiction land... 

Like Roarke and Eve Dallas (from the JD Robb book series)

 Like Tristan and Yvaine.

 Like Westley and Buttercup (although I was slightly disappointed that she was about to marry someone else)... 

 Like Damon and Elena (I didn't watch the final few seasons of this series... so not sure if they ended up together... but although I thought Stefan was great... My sister and I were always Team Damon)...

 Like Superman and Lois.

 Like Clark Kent and his glasses.

Cause Tyler Hoechlin wearing glasses is like... chocolate-covered cherries... Delicious!  

Cause come on... How can anything covered in chocolate be anything but delicious. 

Not that I'm thinking of Tyler Hoechlin covered in chocolate.

It's not like I'm a freak or anything.

 

Ok Sorry, Tyler... Eating too much chocolate tends to do this to me... 

When you're drunk on too much chocolate but don't have an ex-boyfriend to drunk-dial... you tend to write a lot of embarrassing things like this... in your blog... about your celebrity crush... which should make it weird... but... but... 

Ok... I can't think of a but... 

And since I DID eat a lot of chocolate, there would probably be more of these embarrassing declarations... so hang in there?

 

Oh man... Tyler doesn't seem excited about my giddy ramblings, does he?

Oh well... A girl will try to be less rambly...

     

Man... I'm so corny...

 

Yeah... That too...  

 

So anyway, pretty sure "Trick or Treat" won't work for me, because those candy bars and chocolates are going to magically hop into my mouth

(because that's where they belong... in my mouth)... 

and take a magical ride down my throat, before the kids come tricking and treating.

Like the other day—I was looking in the fridge for the bar of Cadbury chocolate... I thought I was smart enough to hide from myself...

(I hid it under the box of grapes as subterfuge... and maybe to encourage me to choose the grapes instead of the chocolate because I also love grapes... 

Source : Jiemin Yang

Ok.. maybe my mouth is constantly lonely and needs to have things in it... 

It's like my mouth needs a workout too)... 

so that I could prevent the temptation of being enticed by those sexy mounds of pure bliss... Cause I'm serious about this losing weight thing.

But I tell you, chocolates have a thing for me, cause I could swear I heard it whispering my name seductively from the fridge. Something along the lines of, "Come my lady, come-come my lady / You're my butterfly, sugar baby". 

I tried telling the chocolates, that I don't find that song sexy or seductive... cause pretty sure that song has some impolite innuendos.... that I maybe may not understand because I'm like a prude... 

But anyway, song aside, the chocolate bar smiled at me. And winked. And showed me its abs.   

So I caved... My attempt at subterfuge unsuccessful...

Like... It's chocolates... and abs... And I'm weak... 

Also weird...

3) I'm not Single, I’m just Romantically Challenged

Sharing my thoughts on the movie, Never Been Kissed, and the TV series Alias... in my usual rambling, I-wish-she-would-stick-to-the-point, what-is-wrong-with-her, way... 

I go on and on about those two movies and other movies I've watched, from Little House on the Prairie, to Life is Beautiful, to Columbo, and 12 Angry Men, to Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, in a strictly you-call-that-a-review-it's-all-over-the-place way.... 

There's also some embarrassing prose about my celebrity crush, Tyler Hoechlin... And my nobody-asked-her-or cares-but-she-wants-to-share-anyway TMI confession... about being romantically challenged...

Hey, if Josie Geller can make a confession like that. So can I... 

Of course, she gets a kiss from a gorgeous guy at the end of her confession... Me??? All the action my mouth wants is sinking my teeth into a delicious chocolate truffle... preferably spiked with rum...

Probably not a smart move talking about chocolates spiked with rum in front of Mr. Goody Two Shoes, Clark Kent... 

I wish there were more men like Clark Kent.... Or John-Boy Walton...

I like goody two shoes men... but most men nowadays seem to be goody half shoe... sometimes no shoes at all...

Cause I'm into the Clark Kent kind of guys - the ones who gush, are sweet, dorky... and shy... 

Not the Bruce Wayne types, who changes women like I change toothbrushes... which is usually every few weeks... because I wear out the bristles pretty quickly... My teeth are Wolverine wanabees... 

 

What it feels like for my toothbrush bristles... when my teeth get to them...  

Anyway... When you're someone like me, who can resist many things... but not when it's covered in chocolate... 

And you discover alcoholic chocolates for the first time... that your siblings were nice enough to buy for you... it's when you realize why Forrest Gump said life was like a box of chocolates... delicious and sinful!

Oh yes, Elsa and Anna... I hear you...

You know you're of a different kind of... let's just call it... the “limited edition” species... when you wish you can high 5 characters from an animated movie, for their love of chocolates... 

Actually when you wish you could eat their chocolates... Those chocolate eclairs in the movie, although in drawing form, sure did look good...  

Tummy approved...

 

 So sexy...

I do have a tendency to watch animated movies... and since I don't have any children to use as an excuse for watching them.... I have to watch these animated movies in the privacy of my home... 

Because after all, why else would you have kids? You need the kids as a buffer... Other than using them for your own viral video... 

Like it doesn't matter if they are dying.. or in pain... A parent's first thought used to be “I NEED TO SAVE MY KIDS... OH POOR BABY... STOP CRYING”... 

Nowadays, it's just “Where's my phone!”....

Sorry kids... I guess it's tough being a kid in the 21st century.... 

They already have to suffer through 21st-century parents putting fancy names for them.... 

It used to be simple ones like Tyler... Now the names are just plain weird, hard to pronounce or remember.... 

Like naming kids Cabinet... Cabinet Smith...

Sorry, Cabi... I feel you, bud.

Anyway, animated movies... Love their cute, funny characters... especially the kids...

If I could I would so adopt Agnes.... 

I don't care if she's animated... 

I don't discriminate...

Hmmmm... Now that I think of it... 

Maybe "adopt" is too strong a word... 

 

I do have a tendency to get overly attached to the films I watch... 

I screamed at my tv, “yes pick her pick her” when Meredith Grey gave her “pick me, choose me, love me” speech... Maybe I even cried a little... 

My heart melted (the fact that it was Tyler Hoechlin saying those words made it even more melting-worthy) when Clark Kent said the lines, “There was no going back after the first time I saw her”... which was how I felt the first time I ate a creamy potato salad. 

Like I wish I had one of those thingamajig... what do you call them... yeah... boyfriends... so I could give romantic tv character speeches to... 

But then again, I'm not really the type of woman who would beg a guy to love her so... yeah... maybe not the Meredith Grey speech...

But I did once tell the bowl of ice-cream I was eating, “Nothing truly ever made sense until you came into my life”...  It was a rough day, I was feeling mushy...  

Another time, I came home from work... and saw my mom had cooked spinach curry, my favorite,  with green peas, also my favorite.... in that special way she does it... 

And it had been months since she cooked it last... and I almost lost it... I hugged the pot of curry and cried...

I think I said, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of you spinach, asking you to love me... or at least to taste as good as I remember you"...

 

Luckily my mom didn't say this to me... or maybe she did... internally... but hey... as long as it wasn't said out loud...... I guess she's used to the crazy things I do... 

I mean she has caught me saying, “You complete me” as I gazed lovingly at the slice of pizza I was eating... 

Slowly and softly to make it sound more sexy... like you see all those seductive women doing on tv...

I didn't look sexy... 

I looked like "Donkey" from Shrek...  

I did make the mistake of doing the sexy voice thing to my food... in front of my mom, who asked me, “why are you talking in that voice.... are you sick?”... 

Glad to know that my sexy romantic voice is the same as someone being sick...

Maybe I should date an animal too... like say a werewolf... the Derek Hale version...     

 

Not liking the idea, eh Derek?

 

This is also my mom's general reaction around me... 

I guess when you have a "unique" daughter like me... the Derek Hale exasperated expression tends to come naturally...

But I'm not a total loser... I don't always say words of endearment to food... 

I occasionally say it to my dumbbells... Which is not weird at all... It's not like I call them my honey iron bunny... That could be considered weird... I'm not the cooing honey bunny kind of person anyway...

Although when I go on holiday or if my family visits, and I can't do my workouts for a while... when I'm able to come back to my workouts again, I say “I've missed you” to my dumbbells... Wait, is that weird?

 

Looking at those biceps, Tyler, you probably understand loving your dumbbells too, don't you?

 

So I guess nothing surprises my mom anymore when it comes to me... Why do you think she's trying to sell me on eBay... 

I mean... she would if she knew how to use eBay... 

Cause I'm the one who usually does all her online things... like updating stuff to her social media accounts...

I mean she can ask me, "Can you upload the photos of these cute kids and their Catechism work to Facebook"... which she usually does... but she can't exactly say, "Can you find me a new daughter online... a higher grade one... and see if it could be exchanged with you"... 

Cause that would be tacky...

Really nobody cares? I thought my life is a constant source of entertainment... 

Who am I kidding... Even I get bored when I start talking...

I'm rambling, aren't I? I'm sorry... 

Those rum chocolate bars sure did taste good...

 Which is how I feel right now...

Oh man... when you start a blog post with the resemblance of a drunken babble...  

So anyway... Back to my review of the movie, Never Been Kissed...

 

 

I watched the movie "Never Been Kissed" the other day... 

And you realize nothing makes you feel old than finding out a movie you watched... which had seemed like just a while ago... is now 20-years-old... which also makes you 20 years older...

Gasp... 😬

I kid...  I'm actually fine being older... Grey hair... Wrinkles... Looking old ... People saying my mom is my sister.... Calling me aunty... 

It's all FINE! 

Ok maybe not the calling me aunty part... 

 

I get the "look older than my age" a lot too... but hey, I'm fine! 

 

So anyway other than my total aversion to people calling me “aunty” (I've boycotted shops and refused to go back when they do that)... I actually have no issues with getting older and all the trappings that come with it... I don't do botox or lifts... Or wear cream... 

I dye my hair cause my sister and sister-in-law ask me to.... And I say yes because I'm scared of I love them...

So anyway, was feeling nostalgic... so I watched the movie...

 

I also craved pie watching the movie... 

 

You know how when you're in school... and your much older cousins, who were like in their 20s, tell you,  

“You say you hate school now... but just you wait... once you finish school and start working like us... you're gonna miss your school days”....

Hmmmm I'm sorry to disappoint them... but NOPE... I don't miss school at all...

I love working... I don't ever want to go back to school... 

Which is why I would never tell a kid that they will miss their school days... I'm all like, "You hate school? I feel you... Hang in there, my school-ies"...

I see young kids, going to school with such a miserable, forlorn look on their face... and I get it... 

Like seriously... Sitting in the hot, stuffy classroom... listening to teachers droning on about medulla oblongata... while you think of oblong burgers....

Yeah... School... Sorry... No hard feelings... But honestly.. I don't miss you at all...

But then again... forget my school days... the present isn't so good either 😩 but that's just venting for another day. No energy for the weary contemplation of my life today. 

Ok... I kid... My life isn't that awful... I just like to act like I'm some brooding gal... Probably due to recently discovering my old collection of Simple Plan songs... so I'm on full angsty why-does-everything-happen-to-me mode... 

Anyway, I came to the realization that I'm Josie Geller, but not in a cute, "I can have the gorgeous Michael Vartan falling in love with me" kind of way, but more in a 'scare-the-children' kind of way.

I'm dead serious. I scare kids... They literally stare at me like they've just seen a sexy (I wish)... scary troll... Their eyes following my every move as they stare at me in complete, and utter fear. 

Some take the 'Harry Potter and Troll' route and run away screaming as if I had just said "me hungry, we wanna eat you". 

Sigh... Why, kids, why?? No. Don't run away. 

Aunty good. Aunty looks like Shrek but Aunty won't eat you. 

Unless you are a potato, which Aunty likes... very much.  

Yeah kid... I know I know... I'm a little weird... I even scare myself sometimes.