When the IT guy in my office starts his "explanation" on what's wrong with my PC using words I don't understand, when all I want him to do is tell me my baby is gonna be ok... I also prattle on a little about MacGyver, the 80s series I used to enjoy as a kid... Not really sure why my computer problem made me suddenly reminisce about the 80s and think of MacGyver... I realize I'm a very strange woman.
A Note to the IT guy in my Office
Look, I don't mean to be the type of person you wish you could erase with a click of your mouse... but could you please tell me what's wrong with my PC and what I need to do... in a language I can understand...
and not all that ancient alien stuff you're spewing... Cause I'm listening to you talk and all I hear is "Ancient Astronaut Theorists suggest..."
Think of me as a 4-year-old learning my ABCs... Cause I didn't get a word you were saying just now... or what I'm supposed to do to solve my PC problem.
Are you speaking Kryptonese? Cause it certainly sounded like that to me.
I know these are just common, everyday words to you.
They're NOT for me.
Yes. This is exactly what you look like to me right now with that fast way you were saying your words, using a jargon, only you can understand.
Hey, you can minion talk me all you want, with your "po-ka" and "la-boda" but the only thing going through my mind is... I want a banana... which would be lovely in some milk shake... that has a dash of rum... Cause that oatmeal I had for lunch didn't really satisfy my gastronomic urges.
You can stare at me, all you want, Michael Scott, but I'm willing to bet a lot of IT people in your "office" have also filled you with the urgent need for a spiked milkshake.
Yes, Mr. IT Guy? No... my mind isn't wandering... Still paying attention... but still not getting what you're saying...
Whoaaa... So that's how the insides of a computer looks like... And that's why you brought all your gadgets... I was wondering why you needed all those mechanic tools...
Was kinda worried you were going to use them on me... to you know... tighten those bolts in my head...
No... I'm not giggling at you... Just randomly giggling at my own stupid joke... I do that all the time... laugh at my own jokes... They are not funny... but they seem to amuse me...
What's that you said? No!!! I don't really have bolts in my head... It was a joke...
I know... I know... The joke wasn't very good... I didn't say I was Wanda Sykes...
What, Mr. IT Guy? Wanda Sykes??? Oh... She??? She's a comedian...
I was trying to be a comedian too...
Why do you have the confused look on your face, Mr. IT Guy?
The look that says, “Please don't quit your day job”.... which, to be honest, is a look I get often at my every attempt to be funny...
So you don't watch comedies? You probably watch IT movies, eh?
Like what??? Maybe Swordfish??? I watched it during my university days...
Haven't seen it? It's an IT film... It was about hacking and stuff... Hugh Jackman was in it... Yeahhh the Wolverine guy...
He can do such diverse roles, don't you agree? Comedy... Drama... brooding... Did you know he once played a Duke... I love the Victorian era... Especially the big hoop skirts.... One of my favorite authors is Georgette Heyer and her Regency books...
Man. Hugh Jackman is such a cool actor, isn't he?
Wait... Hang on... I didn't catch what you were saying, Mr. IT Guy?
No... Nothing is wrong with me... Why do you keep asking me that...
No... I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret... Why do all men only think of models? Like couldn't men just stick to thinking of sports...
Yeah I do like to talk a lot...
You don't really consider hacking as IT?
Well... Ok... I hear you...
What did you say, Mr. IT Guy?
That you were probably not even born yet when I was doing my degree?
Wait... How old do you think I am...
No... I'm not showing you the finger...
That's my Wolverine impersonation...
So yes, maybe when people call me “old”, I do maybe silently kill them with my mind... but then I also call myself “old” all the time... secretly hoping people will say, “No... You're not old... You're still young”... but when they stay silent... and like kinda agree with my “old” moniker... it's when I wish I had dragons...
Anyway, please ignore me and continue your explanation, Mr. IT Guy... Cause you're really making me depressed right now...
Yes... I'm listening...
Nope... Showing me those little square things inside the computer is not helping me understand your explanation more... it's just confusing me further...
I know I'm a bit slow... Cause I'm the gal who doesn't even know the difference between hazelnuts and almonds... They both taste the same to me when they're in a bar of chocolate... so I seriously don't know how to differentiate them...
So talk to me in terms I can understand... Like to talk to me in terms of food... Like this goes into cake... And I not only fully understand... I become a freaking genius...
Look... Knowing the power button on my computer, and finding the place to stick
things into it... what do you call them, USB drive, is already a big deal for me...
I'm the girl who uses the term "thumb drive" and my millennial generation colleague looks at me like I had just turned into the girl from the movie, Exorcist, which I was too scared to watch cause horror movies scare me, and tells me, “It's called a pen drive.”
Ohhh Sorry Ms. "use the correct term".
Anyway... I Googled... Both terms are correct...
What did you say to me, that maybe people from "my generation" are more used to the term "thumb drive"?
You used the term, "YOUR GENERATION" on me? Of all the ...... 😒
Just because I grew up at a time when our "computer class" was the fun time, where we got to play Pac-Man, and not learn freaky stuff like "cloud", which I thought was the thing in the sky.... that gets dark and puffy, the way I like it best... doesn't make me old...
So maybe I don't know how to do the Floss or that one like riding a horse... is it cowboy... the dougie?
I perhaps also don't know how to do the Macarena... but that does not make me old...
Ok maybe saying the word Macarena does...
The only thing that is making me feel better right now... is that as I'm typing this... I can hear thunder rumbling in the distance... the sky is all dark... with thick puffy clouds... heralding the coming storm... and I'm PUMPED!
Cause I'm not all bright and sunny... I'm dark and
cloudy...
The type of girl, who enjoys listening to the spooky, howling wind when a storm is brewing... and watching the heavy downpour...
Most people close the windows and doors when there's a thunderstorm, I open the windows to better enjoy the pouring rain... and the scent and breeze that comes with it...
Rainy days, unlike the song from the Carpenters, does not get me down...
Love her voice and the song, but even if Mondays do get me down as much as any of us stuck in a 9-to-5 office job would, I guess... although it's more I miss the weekend instead of hating Mondays... because I'm the weird girl who actually enjoys her job, and doesn't find going to work 5 times a week a drag... but I would never hate on rainy days...
I love rainy days as it makes me feel nostalgic, remembering the golden oldies my mom introduced me to...
Like it did right now... Sighhh... Went off topic...
It's always Yesterday Once More in my house thanks to my mom and her need to introduce her children to the Oldies.
Sorry... Where was I? Yes... Growing up in the 80s...
A time when science fiction was "Quantum Leap" and “Back To the Future”.
Yes... Back to the
Future... With a “Great Scott” professor and his perpetual
bad hair day (like does the guy even own a comb?)... and a mom saying
“He's an absolute dream” when talking about her son...
which is all kinds of creepy... the kind you would probably need
someone to wipe your memories to get over... or years of therapy...
I don't call it a
dream... I call it horror... Cause horror is having your mom call you
a dream... which is (spoiler alert) what happened to poor Marty...
Heck, horror for me is hearing my mom tell stories of her
courtship days with my dad.... Which she did the other day... while I was wishing I could apparate... cause I'm the awkward person who thinks of intimacy as being struck by lightning... yeah... painful...
I'm serious, Dean Winchester... If I had been in Marty's place, I would have cried myself to sleep... The reason why I don't do time travel.
To be honest though, when I watched Back to the Future... the whole ickiness didn't really register... since all I could think of, at that moment was how cool Marty looked riding a skateboard...
Say
what you want, but when it comes to skateboards on tv, can any other
scene ever top what Michael J. Fox did with that board of wood.... as cool as Indiana Jones and his whip...
So for someone who had to replay Doc Brown's explanation on time travel so many times; trying to make sense of what he was saying.
"Obviously, the time continuum has been disrupted creating this new temporal event sequence, resulting in this alternate reality." ~ Doc Brown
See... That's how your explanation on my computer problem is making me feel, Mr. IT Guy.
I learnt what a computer was when MacGyver used it to look up stuff at the Phoenix Foundation... and I was like that's so cool... that big square thing can do that?
Man... I wish I was as smart as MacGyver right now so I could understand your computer babble...
And when I say MacGyver, I mean the original 80s series I grew up with as a kid... and not this new series, the MacGyver reboot, that I've been hearing about... which seems to be doing well...
But which I didn't watch... cause I wanted to stay faithful to my original MacGyver...
The one I grew up with... With the best theme song ever created, that I could listen to on an endless loop... Like that song is going to be my wedding march song... Which thankfully for the groom, since I don't have one, I have no plans ever of getting married...
And in those days, we had no YouTube, where you can listen to your fav theme song on repeat. The only time you could listen to them was when they aired it during the episode...
And I remember waiting excitedly
every week just to hear the theme song... Occasionally to be
disappointed when they cut the theme song due to... actually I don't
know why they sometimes just air the short version or cut it out
entirely... Like why would you do that to the greatest theme song ever created... Just air it in full!
Thank goodness for YouTube... Now I can listen to it on repeat...
A time when a compliment is someone saying, "Wow... you're like MacGyver!".... or when someone says, "I'll try to do a MacGyver" when fixing something and everyone instantly understood what it meant.
So when the original MacGyver was such a huge part of your childhood, you could never watch another... You have to be faithful to your childhood memories.
Hey... I'm the type of girl who is faithful to her one and only celebrity crush... like I don't have a list of celebrities that I have a crush on... I only have one... No one else...
So just like that... I'm also faithful to the original 80s MacGyver series I grew up with...
Yes... I take being faithful to extreme levels... And maybe it's also because I've started watching re-runs of MacGyver on my cable tv recently and found the show still fresh and fun to watch, almost 30 years later.
Awww man... you're so cool, MacGyver... with your one-liners... but why do you hate your name so much... Angus is a cool name... If I was a man, I would totally name myself Angus...
Also, why do the villains always lock you up and say they would kill you later?
I
don't get the
"thinking" of villains... Let's lock him up in a room and kill him
later... Like why??? Shooting someone or breaking their neck takes time?
Like I get it... If people kidnapped me and locked me in a room... I wouldn't try to find a way to escape... using paper clips, my bra, and stuff.... I would sit in a corner and cry...
So yeah... smart move, villain man... just drag MacGyver, and throw him into a room... Sure he's not going to escape... It's not like the room is filled with things that he could use to escape...
That's just duct tape... Sure let him keep his gum and Swiss Army Knife. That little knife is not going to help him...
Like I know you studied Science a long time ago, before you took on the job as a villain... so how could you possibly know all those chemicals had the makings of a bomb... They didn't teach you that in villain school?
They probably only taught you to give long, boring speeches, with style and a heavy, deep voice... that summarizes your entire evil plan with details like when, where and how... They were really into the 5Ws at your villain school, huh?
Sure Murdoc... Continue your long monologue about your evil plan on world domination and how you're going to kill MacGyver...
Interesting stuff you're saying... We're all ears... Man, you should do Ted Talks...
Hey Mr. Murdoc... I don't know but just a thought... Instead of giving all those long speeches and coming up with elaborate methods of killing MacGyver, maybe just shoot him??? It's not like I approve of killing... I really don't... but just saying...
No... Don't worry... MacGyver is just going to lie there doing nothing... listening to your monologue and waiting for you to kill him... It's not like he's going to escape or thwart your evil plan...
Yeahhhh... Take that villain... You don't mess with MacGyver and his wrench.
*Wait... Wrench isn't a euphemism for something else, is it?
Cause
you never know these days. Everything is a euphemism. Which I
sometimes discover to my horror...
I watched a video on Facebook by accident the other day, while doing my workout on my stationary bike, and discovered that the eggplant or aubergine, or brinjals (as it's called here in Malaysia) emoji, is a euphemism for something else...
Man... Who knew... Why you people gotta turn every food into something dirty...
Sometimes I don't get the people who invent explicit meaning for food items... How do you live with yourself?
How do you eat? Like do you think of those x-rated things while you eat?
I'm imagining it going something like this... "Euphemism inventor" eating... Gee these eggplants sure look like... wait a minute... Idea!... let's call it that... euphemism for phone texting... man, I'm so brilliant... then continue eating...
Now of course, I'm worried
that I may have sent the emoji to someone by mistake cause sometimes I get tired of
constantly sending the smiley so to change it up a little, I send random
emojis to people... you know like food, sports emojis and stuff....
I think I once put the baseball emoji next to Tyler Hoechlin's name when I was saying something about him in my family chat group... and no that does not make me weird... wait, does it?
So I may have sent that eggplant emoji by mistake to someone... Come to think of it, the baseball emoji could be a euphemism for something else too... You never know... People have freaky inventive minds...
Man.. Life is so tough nowadays... I miss the 80s when a vegetable was that... a vegetable... not a body part...
I actually used to wonder why they had the food emoji in the chats. I thought it was for sending the shopping list to the person doing grocery shopping for you... so instead of writing the word, you can just send a picture of it. Like to prevent them calling you and asking you, “Hey, what is this you've written. How does it look like?”
Which is usually my problem when I'm buying things for my mom... She writes "celery"... and I'm like... wait... there's something called a celery?
Cause the only thing I know is broccoli, which I'm addicted to... And I always buy cans of green peas, which I also love, although my mom didn't put it in the list...
Thank goodness for the labeling at the vegetable aisle of the grocery store... I once had to go through the embarrassment of going to the day market at my town... that had no such labeling so had to ask the grocer, “Excuse me, can I know, is this coriander? Cause I Googled the name and it looked like this...”
Her reply? “That's parsley”... She may or may not have sniggered...
"Ohhhh Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme?", was my attempt at a joke to the grocer.... and also cover my blunder... The grocer stared at me...
Maybe she didn't know the song... Maybe she thought I was crazy.... Or worst, maybe she thought I wasn't funny?
Fun fact : Did you know the “ parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme” lyrics from the Simon & Garfunkel song, Scarborough Fair... which is a song about unrequited love and yearning... which made me feel so sad now listening to the song... and that parsley was supposed to signify comfort, sage was strength, rosemary was love, and thyme was courage... hmmm who knew a song could be that meaningful...
Sorry, you were saying something, Mr. IT guy?
No... I'm not pouting... I'm not high either... I'm just staring into space... pouting... cause I'm hungry... and it's also almost time to go home... The day went by so fast, didn't it?
hmmmmm I wonder what my mom cooked for dinner today... She does like eggplant... or brinjals as it's known here...
You were saying something, Mr. It guy? Sorry... I was just thinking of eggplants... I meant the vegetable... Don't give me that look... Seriously...
Now you see the problem, you euphemism creating people...
Hang on.... What did you say, Mr. IT Guy???
Wait... Why are you talking to my mom and why is she telling you she's bored with me?
What did she tell you about me... Is it because I watch a lot of TV and don't entertain her tales of the stray cats terrorizing her plants? Like the tale of those cats are fun and all, but I just wanna watch a movie.
 | |||||
| When your mom walks in while you're watching a HBO series. |
Although I don't really know why I worry... My country's Censorship Board is like Assassin's Creed (don't really know what this means... just tried writing something that I hope sounds cool)...
Everything is censored... No kissing (A quick peck is allowed... Anything that involves more than the lips is cut... Erased from existence... Only chaste kisses allowed on our tv)...
No love scenes... No stray body parts without covering...
Like sometimes I see people complaining online that the scenes were too sexually graphic.. And I'm like seriously what are they complaining about... I watched the same movie... There was nothing... He came near her... That's it...
Then I realized... Ohhh censored...
I'm not complaining though... That's the way I like it actually...
Cause who likes to see people without clothes on... It's like chicken without marinade... Or a salad without dressing...
I mean clothes were invented for reason...
I like the C-word... Whether it's Clothes... Chocolate... Cheese...
The key word here being Covered...
Also, I don't like people talking while I'm watching something... I know you have opinions on the show but can we keep it to when the show is over... I don't even like people talking to me when I'm listening to songs cause then I have to replay it from the beginning...
Cause I'm the type of person who likes to concentrate on every word... On every move... I don't even look at my phone when I'm watching something on TV...
I hate
even eating in front of the telly, cause then I can't concentrate on
what's going on... Because when I look down at my plate and take a bite of chicken, I might miss something important... Like Derek Hale coming down the stairs... in slow-motion... Yeah exactly... life-changing scene...
Call me a horrible person if you want... but I take my TV watching very seriously.
My mother's not angry with me, is she?
Yeah Yeah. I know it was a mistake telling her... “Why is it when I tell you health-related things and how something can be good for your health... you find some reason not to trust it and say eating too much of it could cause other problems... yet you get the same info through Whatsapp from your friends, and you immediately want to try it... And no, you can't believe everything you get in Whatsapp... Just because that message had some random Dr person's name, doesn't really mean he's a doctor ."
So I know telling her this was a mistake... I sometimes lose my cool... I'm weak...
She did have the above "why does everything bad happen to me" sad Derek Hale look on her face when I said those things to her.... I'm sorry Mom...
I love my mom but sometimes impatience gets the better of me.
Hey... Sorry I got a bit emotional there... I'm the girl who freaks out when I get a Déjà vu type of feeling... Thanks to the Matrix and their take on Déjà vu... So yeahhh it takes very little...
Is she still angry with me, Mr. IT Guy? What did she tell you?
Wait... How did you get my mom's number?
And why is she complaining to you about me?
Board? Not bored?
You mean “Mothers” are not just those people who make you feel happy and cook good food for you... Now you're telling me, mothers are on my board... and they're faulty?
Hey, don't go dissing mothers...
No nothing is wrong with me. Why do you keep asking me that.
Awwww... You really care for me, don't you? Cause you keep asking me if I'm ok.
Why are you looking at me like you want to ram that screwdriver in your hand into my face.
Man... I could really do with a drink right now... Perhaps a "screwdriver"?
Look you can talk about RAM and BIOS as much as you want... but all I hear is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...
Also when you say ram, I thought you were talking about a male sheep.
Hey I'm no Penelope Garcia, who can hack her way through anything and mostly solves the case for them FBI agents.
I'm no Cisco Ramon... Or Felicity Smoak...
So maybe I too tend to ramble on crazily and say things aloud that should just remain in my head...
but I don't do it in a cute way like her, where you get hot billionaires like Oliver Queen falling for you...
No... I do it... and cats throw up in front of me.
So perhaps you can stop "explaining" things to me, Mr. IT Guy, and just fix my "baby".
I need my computer working again... so I can make sure that all my precious Tyler Hoechlin gifs and videos are not lost...
Wait... did I just say that out loud?
No... Don't facepalm me and give me the “what is wrong with you” look.
I may not know the inner workings of a computer... and all that tech stuff you're uttering like you're Tony Stark...
But just so you know... I have tech skills too... I can type without looking at the keyboard... Heck, I can type on my laptop in the dark...
Yes! Take that, people who think I'm from the ice-age...
So just because I don't get this stuff, doesn't mean I'm Forrest Gump.
I didn't study Computer Science in college.
So please speak in a language I can understand. Before I make your head twirl by reciting Keats to you.
Thank you.
P.S.... Don't worry... I can't recite Keats off the cuff either...
I came up with a random poet's name just to sound smart...
Also thought his name was cool. Poets have such cool names, don't they?
If I had a cat, I would totally call it Keats. Just to annoy it.
I realize I do tend to annoy my IT colleagues a lot...
Once, one of my IT colleagues, who does the programming for our company, asked for my help to write a memo to inform the rest of the staff about system downtime due to maintenance.
So I told the IT staff to write the memo like this, “Yo. System Down. Tomorrow ok. Peace.. out.”
She was appalled. I don't think she got my joke. People at work think I'm crazy, don't they?
On another note. Talking about 4-year-olds learning their ABCs.
Parents, don't be hard on them. It's ok if they can't remember their ABCs.
ABCs are tough... I still need to say my ABCs from A to Z... to know which comes first – G or H... W or X... and where R fits in... Heck I have trouble rolling my tongue and pronouncing the R....
And look at me... I turned out ok... Right?
This from watching kids being judged for not remembering their ABCs.
So anyway. That was my venting for the day.
Did I actually tell all this to the IT guy?
What do you take me for? Crazy?
And no... Don't answer that...
He has my laptop in his hands.
Like you don't tell the surgeon, who's about to operate on your kid, that you accidentally grazed his Jag in the parking lot.
You wait till after he's done operating on your kid.
Yeahhh.... I know doctors are not going to let personal feelings interfere with them carrying out their duties...
Hey I watch Grey's Anatomy and The Good Doctor... I know how professional they are.... if you disregard the amount of time they spend misbehaving in the on-call room...
Which doesn't really happen in real-life according to the Dr. Mike guy in his "React series" videos on YouTube... Hey, he has a "Dr" to his name so he could be right...
Although I have to say I watch the show, Grey's Anatomy, for its many powerful thought provoking and touching episodes... and not their bedroom antics...
I would prefer them to just keep their clothes on and do the life saving thing they're supposed to do..
Which is what I say when I get to work every morning. I don't really do any life-saving like Dr. Derek Shepherd there... I mostly just irritate people.
Also, I've met a lot of doctors and surgeons that I personally irritated with my screwy babble... and also made them retch with my repulsive body... and they still administered to me well and didn't kill me on the operating table.
Doctors are so cool.
So are IT guys.
Mr. IT Guy did his magic... and my computer is doing great... and back to its usual wonderful self...
You're our computers' guardian angels, IT guys... We salute you...
I love you baby!
Btw, when I say baby and I love you, I was talking to my laptop.
And not the IT guy... Cause he thought I was saying it to him and almost choked to death.
Yup... Not you, Mr. IT Guy... Don't worry...
I was talking to my computer... I randomly whisper things to my computer... sometimes I stroke it when it's misbehaving to calm it down...
Sometimes I tell it, U and I look cute together.... Cause the U and I are next to each other on the keyboard...
Why are you looking at me like there's something wrong with me, Mr. IT Guy?
Sorry... I have this trouble of saying "I love you" to people but can happily and easily say it to inanimate objects like my TV, computer, bed, weighing scale (when the numbers are good)... and my cupboard containing all my fun toys...
Jeez! When I say "toys", I meant games you can play with your family like board games and stuff.
Yeah... Yeah... I know... That when some adults say “toys” they mean something quite different... Which I recently found out... much to my horror...
Cause I saw something online saying “fun toys”, that I thought were really toys or board games that I could use during my family game night... clicked on it... and almost had a seizure...
Although at first I was like... wait how are we going to play with that... why is it shaped like that.. is that like dart throwing or something... then looked up how to use it... and fainted...
Wait... Did the IT Guy just say, "She's a very strange woman", as he was walking out?
But then again, can I blame him?
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